Helpless people on subway trains Scream, bug-eyed, as he looks in on them

With Osama bin Laden's computers and extensive collection of fridge notes now in NSA custody, it is only a matter of time before p0rn sites are advertising themselves with the slogan "As surfed by ObL". Also, stories are emerging about al Qaeda schemes for the death of Western hegemony that will cement their reputation for nefarious cartoon supervillainy:

They said some evidence was found indicating the al Qaeda leader or his associates had engaged in discussions or planning for a possible attack on a train inside the United States on September 11, 2011.

[...] ¹

The information on plotting against the U.S. rail sector indicated one possible tactic for attacking a train was trying to tip it somehow off its tracks, one official said.

The official said it appeared from the information that this was an idea that bin Laden or his associates considered, but there was no indication now from the intelligence that further plans were drawn up for the scheme or that steps were taken to carry it out.

Behold Allahzilla!

Anonymous government sources have provided Riddled with further information about the details of how trains were to be tipped off their tracks. The plan was to detonate al Qaeda's stockpile of nuclear warheads² at Odo Island in the North Pacific Ocean, thereby bestowing atomic super-powers upon a reptilian survivor from the Jurassic era and at the same time arousing its wrath.³

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Anonymous sources also informed us of another cunning plot -- foiled thanks to information seized in the Abbottabad raid, in conjunction with confessions extracted at Guantánamo Bay -- to suffocate the courtiers of Emperor Elagobalus underneath several tonnes of rose petals concealed within a false ceiling.
¹ "The department and other U.S. agencies have been reviewing the treasure trove of information from bin Laden's compound in Pakistan seized by the United States during the raid this week that killed the al Qaeda leader."

Treasure trove "may broadly be defined as an amount of money or coin, gold, silver, plate, or bullion found hidden underground or in places such as cellars or attics, where the treasure seems old enough for it to be presumed that the true owner is dead and the heirs undiscoverable."

But can we be sure that the true owner is really dead??!

² People may have been wondering why al Qaeda have not used their purported nuclear capacity already. The "Holding in reserve for possible retaliation" theory fails to convince, as does the explanation that they were concerned about possible bad publicity from the resulting civilian casualties.

The alternative is that the whole "nuclear al-Qaeda" story was a load of fetid dingos' kidneys... yet another illustration of the general rule that confessions extracted under torture will contain whatever the torturers wanted to hear. But that explanation does not suit the editorial line of newspapers like the Daily Torygraph, where it is an article of faith that the existence of Guantanamo Bay "has enabled the US to collect vital intelligence from senior Al Qaeda commanders".

Further evidence from the Torygraph Gullability Archives, as their journalists pick through the poop of interrogation reports released by Wikileaks in search of corn kernels that will prove the essential inhumanity of the inmates at Guantánamo :

Al-Qaeda leader put jihad before a sex life

One of the most senior members of al-Qaeda held at Guantánamo took injections “to promote impotence” to avoid being “distracted” by women, according to evidence uncovered by investigators.

Abd al-Rahim Hussein Muhammad Abdah al-Nashiri, a Saudi Arabian, was said to have reported directly to Osama bin Laden. His interrogators reported: “Detainee is so dedicated to jihad that he reportedly received injections to promote impotence and recommended the injections to others.”

He received the injections “so more time could be spent on jihad – rather than being distracted by women”.

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³ Plan B required al Qaeda members to harness their Voltron powers and unite themselves into a single giant robot.

Lonely teardrops, we've been crying

Tuesday lunchtime, from a recently bought-out political party now operating from the boardroom of a firm of corporate lawyers who regularly act as conduit for press releases from the Business Roundtable:

[Don] Brash also confirmed that Hide would retire from Parliament at the next election, rather than seek a place on ACT's list or seek to remain in Parliament.

[...]

Brash announced the changes in a boardroom at Chapman Tripp in Wellington today saying he was unable to make the announcement at Parliament because he was "not legally allowed" to hold a press conference there, because he was not a Member of Parliament.

Hide was rolled as leader last week after Brash described him as toxic and a liability to ACT.

Brash had also made it clear that he did not want Hide to retain his ministerial portfolios. He said yesterday that he changed his mind because Hide had important legislation to get through Parliament.

[...]

But Brash could not name one of the pieces of legislation.

And here at the palatial Riddled offices it was all sad faces and red eyes and tears before bedtime because a political future without Rodney Hide's special brand of hilarity would be a sadly impoverished one. For Don Brash had declared that his old friend Hide's "brand was toxic" so he must go. It all seems to be about branding more than ideology from his perspective, though it never became clear whether Don's preferred symbol was a Lazy 8 or a Double Cross.

The only consolation is the entertainment value in watching how the electorate reacts in the coming election to the present clown-car pile-up. Will they see the Brash buy-out as an admirable show of strength, as the journalists seem to think, rather than as a display of disloyalty, untrustworthiness, back-stabbing and naked opportunism? (clowns with road-rage should not be trusted with knives and should definitely not be allowed to strip naked). Though as a friend pointed out to me at the pub last night -- he was buying a pint, so I had to listen to his opinions -- it doesn't really matter what 95% of the voting population think of the ACT party, since their sole objective is to win support from all 5% of the crazy raving sociopath demographic as opposed to the mere 2% they are currently receiving in polls.

But wait, a few hours later, Hide's promise to stand down at the election is no longer operative!

Rodney Hide hopes to be around as an MP after the election even though he told ACT's new leader Don Brash that he'd quit at the election.

Dr Brash agreed to keep him in Cabinet until then. Today, Mr Hide's ever hopeful of staying on as an MP.

"Well what I said to Don Brash was clearly I didn't have his support and that I wouldn't stand if I didn't have the leader's support but it's my intention to persuade him that I've got a lot to contribute," he says.

An outside observer might well think that Hide had been promised a well-paid job made specially for him if he would quietly go away and cease to stink the place up, but belatedly he has realised what a strong bargaining position he has -- not to mention how much money there is behind the new owners of ACT -- so he is holding out for a better offer.

So our tears are dried and it is back to the Old Entomologist with high spirits for a night of "Origins of Eusociality among the Hymenoptera" Trivia!

Bald truth

Trouble was brewing in the skies over Riddled Towers (For an Unforgettable Wedding Reception. Now with no eels) or was it? Large pink bulging clouds appeared and filled the locals with delight, horror or a feeling of inadequacy. But not all citizens were filled with nameless, faceless dread. Two stalwarts of the local Disturbance in the Heavens Squad, Messers Kiwi and Clyde, are shown here with a Stick and Attached Bladder and a Open Top Milk Churn though they freely confessed that they knew not why. They also vouchsafed that it was not their fault and giggled. Alot.
Enquiries at a local Public House, Medicant and Wooden Leg manufacturers revealed that some of the barstaff have doubts about the sanity of the men.
However it cannot be denied that somethings hang over us all. Needless to say oysters are off the menu.

Like acid and oil on a madman's face

After hearing so much about the Tleilaxu Face Dancers, the troupe's actual performance came as something of a let-down.



You know who else was a Face Dancer?

JOSEPH CLARK THE POSTURE MASTER

This man was a very extraordinary posture master who resided in Pall Mall. Though well made, and rather gross than thin, he exhibited, in a most natural manner, almost every species of deformity and dislocation. He frequently diverted himself with the tailors, by sending for one of them to take measures of him, and would so contrive it as to have a most immoderate rising in one of his shoulders: when the clothes were brought home, and tried upon him, the deformity was removed to the other shoulder; upon which the tailor asked pardon for the mistake, and altered the garment as expeditiously as possible, but, upon a third trial, he found him perfectly free of the blemish about the shoulders, though an unfortunate lump appeared upon his back. In short, this wandering tumour puzzled all the workmen about town, who found it impossible to accommodate so changeable a customer. He dislocated the vertebrae of his back, and other parts of his body, in such a manner that Molins, the famous surgeon, before whom he appeared as a patient, was shocked at the sight, and would not even attempt his cure. He often passed for a cripple among persons with whom he had been in company but a few minutes before. Upon these occasions he would not only change the position of his limbs, but entirely alter the figure of his countenance. The powers of his face were more extraordinary than the flexibility of his body. He would assume the uncouth grimaces that he saw at a Quaker's meeting, the theatre, or any other public place. He died about the beginning of King William's reign, as it appears from Evelyn's Numismata that he was not living in 1697.

A birthday present to you

Another year ticks over and I thank you all. It was not the best year but made me appreciate family and friends. Back to the basics

A veteran of a thousand psychic wars

Presumably electrophoresis gels stop bullets. I can think of no other reason why someone would stick one to the front of his uniform.

Unless it's a 2D barcode so he can be identified and returned to his home in the event of him wandering off.

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Apparently police notebooks are also bullet-resistant (like Boots' carbolic soap).* I look forward to seeing this theory tested on Mythbusters.

* 'The plastic sheets are memory aids for officers with procedures, laws and other material they may need on the job.
'As one defence lawyer wit said: "Ironically, it was the Bill of Rights that saved his life."'

Signage

It was a great disappointment to discover that in fact the Victory Gate bears very little resemblance to a monster of concrete.

The opposite of 'progress' must be 'congress'

I was taught as a young thing that if you wanted to build a quantum computer that would follow your soul through 200 trillion years and drag down every attempt at transcendence, you had to use a million miles of spider-web wire.
Evidently I was lied to. It now transpires, thanks to the research of Dr. F. Lee Aeilts, that we could have been building wireless quantum computers all along! If this is progress then I am NOT IMPRESSED.

"The root cause of evil in the world is a small wireless quantum computer in the shape of an orb that we take with us between lives. Now that we have Quantum Mechanics and digital cameras to capture the images of orbs, we have the smoking gun evidence that disembodied beings with orbs are all around us watching and manipulating us."

This is terribly disillusioning to those of us who believed in the good intentions of Teh Orbs, but the evidence does not allow any argument. Much of Aeilts' findings are identical to the claims of Scientology, and you have to admit that this independent collaboration is very convincing. Full details here:

Recent discoveries in Quantum Mechanics have proved that there is no discrete particle or solid chunk of anything in the whole Physical Universe, not even at the center of heavy atoms. It is all standing waves arising from the seething quantum field created by cosmic beings like you and me. The orb is composed of these standing waves and it's totally dedicated to ruining your life! It works like a futuristic wireless quantum computer to make people small, sick and lifeless.

But who is Dr F. Lee Aeilts?

Dr. Aeilts studied Quantum Physics at the University of Utah and discovered that our personal orbs are insidious and diabolical quantum computers that we take with us between lives. Pictures and data in the book help readers discover the world of beings flying around us that our cameras can "see" but our eyes cannot. A program to rid a person of his orb and rehabilitate his divine abilities is suggested.

Certain readers may be interested in the Physics of Ghost Orbs:

This is an illustrated book containing the physics and anatomy of paranormal ghost orbs that are showing up in digital photographs and on videos. It explains how orbs are created, what their capabilities are and how they affect humans. It contains lots of pictures, diagrams and easy math for calculating the power of an orb and its explosive energy content. 49 pages

In other news,

mind-control is the weapon of choice for psychiatrists. They can electro-shock and drug people and cut out their brains so they will never again draw a sane breath, have sex with their patients and feed at the public trough without anyone being the wiser.

That was never covered in my psych. classes.

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Close inspection of the background scenes of Orak's cave reveals that the robot's original Kruel creators chose a Delaunay theme for the decor, revealing an unexpected streak of aesthetic taste. It is not clear whether they also enjoyed Broadway musicals and Diaghilev's ballet productions.

Orak is known to have taken advantage of improved technology to transfer itself to a smaller architecture, changing its name to Orac in the process, but even the miniaturised version contained lots of wire in addition to the blinking lights.