"A hand-thrown teacup from pottery class; Smut Clyde after his third Winterstipple Snakebite; and this aggression."

"I'll take 'Things that Will Not Stand' for $200, Alex."

Problem:
The House of Substance has edged ahead of Riddled as the first hit for the search term 'Vat-grown Godmeat', despite its proprietor never using those precise words, and merely blogging about vat-grown Bodhisattva meat.

Resolved:
To do something about it. Preferably to be done by someone else. Probably involving research of dubious legality and questionable legality. Try harder to find the transformations.

Interim Conclusions:
(1) There should be no further experiments with the Evolvamat in the Godmeat tissue-culture facilities. Evolved Godmeat is too unpredictable. Also, advertise for a new lab technician.
(2) Persevere with experiments with vat-grown brains.

Right: Vat-grown brain escaping from lab
and devouring an endangered native rat

99% prion-disease-free!

Novelty telephone handpiece

So far they have ended badly but the efforts did result in a new product for the Riddled Gift Shoppe so they were not a total waste of time.


(3) A six-sigma 360° consultancy analysis indicates that the current bottleneck in the production of vat-grown godmeat lies at the stage of slicing and harvesting, which is an expensive process dependent on skilled labour.

(4) An ad-hoc subcommitte was convened consisting of Smut Clyde, Another Kiwi and two flagons of Winterstipple Scrumpy. Stakeholders were consulted. Boxes were thought outside of. Hock was added. An answer was obtained: The future lies with self-dividing god-meat, i.e. out-sourcing the work to itself.

(5) All that remains is to isolate the gene for self-slicing and implant it in the godmeat cell lines.

One can only hope that self-dividing godmeat is not as grumpy as the Magic Pudding.


UPDATE:
"It's Evangeline van Holsterin from the Old Entomologist," I said, putting down the novelty telephone handpiece. "She wants to know if the giant vat-grown brain has escaped from the laboratory again and is using its telekinetic powers to hover above the garden bar."

"Tell her it's probably a novelty blimp," said Another Kiwi.