The weasel-poo gourmet coffee-bean industry need not fear the feline competition

Do not eat the magic beans, people! Firstly, no-one wants magic farts. Second, they are likely to germinate internally and send their tendrils sprouting out through all available orifices as well as the sutures of your skull in the manner of an otherworldly orchid or a dream-apple seed.

Fortunately this did not happen to Mrs Spat when she brought us a bean or nut or something as an early $mas present, although it was firmly wedged in her duodenum, for she is not a fan of the time-wasting activity of chewing her food. The blockage resulted in a few days gone AWOL without eating or drinking, followed by a few more days of nil-by-mouth at the vet, and finally expensive surgery, and a bill running over two itemised pages.

Now I have the bean, which really should be a gold nugget for what it cost me, and Spat has a zipper of sutures along her midline and looks like a pyjama bag. STUPID CAT you are NOT A LABRADOR.