Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Gardening with Smut

Fable has it that the Phoenix Palm lives for 500 years. At the end of its half-millennium, when it is frail and tattered, it pollinates a single seed, then bursts into flame in a pyre of bird feathers. The heat germinates the seed which sprouts into a replacement palm-tree.

This painting records this event in about the year 1500. For some reason the leaves look more like tobacco leaves than those of a palm.* The guy in the painting has tied his dog to the tree, under the misapprehension that it is some sort of dog-exercising machine which is about to drag the animal for several laps around the park. The dog looks unimpressed, and no wonder.

Those are not bottles of kerosene hanging from the guy's jerkin, and if they are, there is no doubt some innocent non-arson explanation, like treating an infestation of aphids. Why are judges always so skeptical and insistent on believing the worst?**

* Probably the artist has confounded the phoenix tradition with stories about "sotweed" from the New World. Knowing that it is smoked, but lacking access to the details, he can be forgiven for thinking that the consumer stands downwind and waits for the plant to catch fire spontaneously.

** Notice the very long, very straight road, leading from the top of the hill behind the dude's hand, off to the mountains in the far distance. Turns out not to be a good escape route, because the cops are lurking in the building where it starts.

6 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

My eyes! They have been tricked.

But don't you be fooled: The cops are everywhere, not just the bldgs.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Those are not bottles of kerosene hanging from the guy's jerkin, and if they are, there is no doubt some innocent non-arson explanation, like treating an infestation of aphids.

Shirley, these bags are necessary to comply with the local 'poop and scoop' ordinance?
~

mikey said...

He certainly wears his hat at a jaunty, rakish angle even as he stands in a perfect plié position.

Jaunty Allouette!!

But the more interesting lesson provided by this most educational of images is that in earlier times, dogs peed by lifting their FRONT leg.

Clearly many generations of evolution has brought us the more modern dogstruction, with the doggyjunk mounted (heh heh) in the rear portion of the dog.

Creationists take careful note! If this isn't visual PROOF of evolution, you'll not find better...

Another Kiwi said...

Teh doggy is saying "Look the friggin' tree is on fire, you tied me to it"
Owner: "I wonder what would happen if I had these gourds filled with silicone then hung them around my neck and wore a goat suit.Hmmm"
Dog The fucking tree is on fucking fire
Owner: And I would need new trousers

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Shirley, these bags are necessary to comply with the local 'poop and scoop' ordinance?

Verily, I believe they are for ye olde "flaming bagge of POOP!" trick.

WV-trypotgo: Tarzan is having prostate problems.

Smut Clyde said...

Those are not bottles of kerosene hanging from the guy's jerkin,

Come to think of it, they're probably matulae of urine samples.