Monday, April 11, 2011

Public Service Advisory

Police are alerting medical professions to the activities of an unidentified youth [pictured], who has repeatedly glued himself to various objects and then presented himself to doctors or hospital emergency clinics, requesting treatment. On each occasion he has provided contact details which prove to be bogus. So far he has been found adhered to two dogs, one oak tree, and the Memorial to the Unknown Gardener in Central Park.

The glues are becoing progressively stronger, each time requiring more work to separate the youth. Authorities believe that he is suffering from a psychological condition, possibly Munchausen Syndrome by Epoxy.

Police are maintaining a watch over all school headmasters and headmistresses in Wellington, in case the youth is working up to a joke about "Always sticking to his principals".

17 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I think his unsavory habit is due to his peen being... uh... all messed up like a football bat.

Another Kiwi said...

He will be dogged by misfortune

vacuumslayer said...

Still less awkward than attending to those patients who "accidentally" fall on that grapefruit in the shower.

tigris said...

I was going to suggest a "Smut's going to Hell" tag, but really, how useful as a limiter would a classification which applies to every possible post (and quite a few impossible ones) be?

El Snacktator said...

Who's that knockin' at my backdoor.

fish said...

This is an ambiguous diagnosis, could also be Elmer's Syndrome.

Substance McGravitas said...

I blame today's permissive media for cementing the attachment to bondage.

Another Kiwi said...

In those days a sticky note meant something, Gnome sayin,?

mikey said...

I was in the Pueblo County Jail for a couple of weeks waiting for extradition to Nevada for an assault case, and there was a big fight at breakfast over the limited supply of french toast, with copious spilling of blood, and when they got us all locked down we were told we would be reporting to the doc by cell number for stitches.

Well, I was fine, so I took an old, stale piece of popcorn and inserted it under my foreskin, telling the doc I thought I needed to go to the Mayonnaise Clinic.

The doc went in with forceps with a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, then a couple of sub-human screws beat me with truncheons and told me I needed to read the bible.

Altogether? Yeah. It was worth it.

W/V accuses me of being a spolsort

tigris said...

Note to self: movie night at mikey's, bring own popcorn.

vacuumslayer said...

I SUSPECT that part of mikey's story may not be true. But I'm just gonna call it: he is a BADASS.

Substance McGravitas said...

The foreskin part. There was a HOLOCAUST.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I see S.C. continues with the furry promotion.

Purrrrrrrrrhaps it is time to notify the proper authorities.
~

ckc (not kc) said...

...the fingers and toes, people! look at the fingers and toes! (the penis is neither here nor there, obviously)

Smut Clyde said...

cementing the attachment to bondage.

I am beginning to suspect that fastening in its various forms is a staple of Canadian humour.

fish said...

They're a real stitch all right.

guitarist manqué said...

Ain't no way to kill it
That cyanoacrylate

It really makes a bond

I could stick to the bitches
I would really need some stitches

If I only had a bond