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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Another green world

Loth though we are to ridicule 'leafies' and their disgusting yet essentially harmless vegetable-costume paraphilia, they continue to turn up at the Riddled Research Laboratory -- during work hours when we are debating serious questions such as who ate the last milk-chocolate Hob-Nob in the tea room -- pestering us with their fulsomely eager offers to be guinea-pigs for the Riddled Evolvamat in any experiments we might conduct on photosynthesis in higher vertebrates. As if we would ever experiment on human subjects without the proper clearance from the Ethics Committee, which I think is tigris this month.

Unsolicited, it emerges that leafies feel they are somehow spiritually plants at heart, like cross-kingdom otherkin. It is worse than species dysphoria syndrome.

I blame Duncan Lunan for a lot of this. Lunan has a theory that the Green Children of Woolpit had been created by genetic-engineering aliens on a tidal-locked planet in some distant solar system, only to be teleported to Earth "due to malfunction in a matter transmitter" WHICH CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. He has also traced their descendents. So inevitably our visitors turn out to be carrying a copy of Lunan's genealogy but you can't say "family tree" because TRIGGER.

This all sounds to me like age-inappropriate leafy porn and I AM DISGUSTED.


Bonus Leafy Porn!

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Human photosynthesis, floricranial implants, or leafy viffing cosplay? Really we don't want to know.
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20 comments:

  1. zombie rotten mcdonaldMarch 8, 2012 at 8:39 PM

    "due to malfunction in a matter transmitter"

    I can't believe that matters.

    ReplyDelete
  2. zombie rotten mcdonaldMarch 8, 2012 at 8:40 PM

    Margaret Atwood totally rocks though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wileyMarch 8, 2012 at 9:47 PM

    ... beside one of the wolf pits that gave the village its name.

    And the village was named "Woolpit".

    Dysphoria. It's everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hamish MackMarch 8, 2012 at 10:27 PM

    Why, and I ask this knowing little of the rural heartland bless their cotton socks, would a village have two wolf pits?
    "Oh" people might say "We need two wolf pits in our village, what with the prevalence of tax collectors and mendicant salespersons".
    Later they would wonder "Why are there no young people in this village? We have two wolf pits and the wolves are fat as butter and sleek as silk, but no toddlers. It is a mystery". They would furrow their honest brows and go off to the hum'rous vegetable display.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hamish MackMarch 8, 2012 at 11:24 PM

    "due to malfunction in a matter transmitter" WHICH CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

    Anyone that dries their socks on the interstitial molecular matrix, not looking at anyone in particular.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©March 9, 2012 at 4:18 AM

    Did somebody say TRIGGER?
    ~

    ReplyDelete
  7. fishMarch 9, 2012 at 6:05 AM

    who ate the last milk-chocolate Hob-Nob in the tea room

    Yeah, that was me.

    I have no remorse.

    ReplyDelete
  8. mikeyMarch 9, 2012 at 7:53 AM

    Their events call for formal attire.

    I shall don my Ghillie Suit...

    ReplyDelete
  9. BDRMarch 9, 2012 at 8:03 AM

    Since no one else will.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Pupienus MaximusMarch 9, 2012 at 9:15 AM

    Send them all to Bas Lag where they belong.

    ReplyDelete
  11. tigrisMarch 9, 2012 at 9:52 AM

    when I hear the word "Agriculture"

    Only if nobody's paying.

    ReplyDelete
  12. RachelMarch 9, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    Fantastico articolo.
    One Q.: oh, what is that lady of the tomato headdress (picture #5) wearing on her upper arm?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Substance McGravitasMarch 9, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Harrogate grinned uneasily. They tried to get me for beast, beast…
    - Bestiality?
    - Yeah. But my lawyer told them a watermelon wasnt no beast. He was a smart son of a bitch.
    - Oh boy, said Suttree.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Smut ClydeMarch 9, 2012 at 1:13 PM

    I have no remorse.

    fish misspelled 'remoras'.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Substance McGravitasMarch 9, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    Gone are the days when he'd receive a good battering for that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Smut ClydeMarch 9, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    I hope Substance is not trying to set VS going again with these watermelon references.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Big Bad Bald BastardMarch 9, 2012 at 5:46 PM

    On 6 February 1995, a document titled the "Elven Nation Manifesto" was posted to Usenet, including the groups alt.pagan and alt.magick. On Usenet itself, the document was universally panned and considered to be either a troll or an attempt to frame an innocent party.

    You know how those elfses and trolls get along.

    beside one of the wolf pits that gave the village its name.

    And the village was named "Woolpit".

    A sheep in wolf's pit.

    ReplyDelete
  18. wileyMarch 9, 2012 at 11:29 PM

    Oh. So there is a sheep in the pit and the wolf is stupid enough to jump in the pit to get the sheep? Yet a wolf can change into grandma's clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  19. A wolfMarch 10, 2012 at 12:41 AM

    That was just for comfort.

    ReplyDelete
  20. RachelMarch 10, 2012 at 8:44 AM

    This little green man sounds surprisingly like Tom Waits:

    http://youtu.be/v5CAlE9nxn0

    ReplyDelete