Wednesday, October 9, 2013

While my great silver slugs are eager to feed

It's here! It's new! It's the very last word in cosmetic dermatology and a breakthrough in applied invertebrate biology, and it's available only from Riddled!
When you enter our discreet anonymous "Gastropodes Clinic", our trained pulmonate gastropods will glide over your body, exposing every square inch to their moisturising, emollient secretions.

Insert vague promise here about dissolving keratin, rejuvenating collagen and smoothing out wrinkles. Creating new ones somewhere else but trade-offs are unavoidable.

We need a constant supply of fresh snails, and the Library Pixies have enthusiastically embraced the task of collecting them. They seem to enjoy the opportunity to show off their SCA costumes.

Not to mention the monkey suits.

Sometimes what they think is a snail turns out to be a Hermit Moose, and there is trampling and tossing and goring. Yet the pixies appear to relish the excitement. Life is cheap for them.

Even so, the margins of books in the Riddled library can only provide so many snails -- not enough to keep up with demand, what with so many hipsters flocking to our facilities. Book your appointment now, we are turning customers away!

More specifically, Ermintrude van Holsterin (Grannie-at-Law) is turning away customers. We sub-contracted her for this duty as she hates everyone and "Shouting at people until they go someplace else" is a service she happily provides without remuneration.

Note that our therapy is totally wholesome and natural so there is absolutely no chance of untoward side-effects from over-exposure to the secretions of our 99.5% genetically-unmodified snails.

If only we could say the same for certain other research institutes, quick to ride the coat-tails of our success. We will avoid invidious comparisons and merely point out that rival services use giant banana slugs, lack proper clinics so that customers are forced to stand, and are only available for body-painted Mickey Mouse cos-players.


Substance McGravitas said...

I would here note that the use of corpses in the demonstration of beauty products is contrary to all sorts of laws in your jurisdiction. And none at all in mine.

tigris said...

Now doing architectural restorations as well!

Just Alison said...

Words fail me, Smut. My gob is well and truly smacked.

Smut Clyde said...

I thought you'd enjoy the image from Uzumaki, Just Alison.

M. Bouffant said...

No idea what snails are like on the top of the world, but I once bred quite a few, albeit accidentally. I put two adult snails in a mayonnaise jar (glass, holes poked in metal lid) & w/in wks. there were scores of translucent snail eggs attached to the jar. Shouldn't be that hard. Start saving your jars!

M. Bouffant said...

Iceberg lettuce, since you wondered.

Substance McGravitas said...

Those jars are for PEE ONLY.

Smut Clyde said...

Someone has been meddling with Substance's jars.