Tuesday, November 25, 2014

"Sir Chengine" is my Steampunk name

We get mail!
My name is J****** and I'm an independent web strategist. While doing research I came across your business website and found several issues. Specifically, it is not fully Penguin 3.0 & Panda compliant with Google's new search engine rules and I see there are toxic links pointing to your site. You have the potential to do much better!

Whenever I find good companies with online issues I tend to reach out and let them know, In 20 minutes I can show you how you could fuel your brand and generate more revenue from search engines and social networks. These are tactics we've used to help over 300 clients grow their business and we are currently "The Leading Internet marketing Company in New Zealand"!

All I'd like to do is follow up about this with a quick phone call.... Can I call you this week to discuss some proven strategies that can help your business grow? Looking forward to your positive response.

Kind Regards,

J******* E*****
Grow Business Rankings
21 Paraite Road
New Plymouth

Hi Scuzzy Internet Grifter! You seem to have left the 's' out of your street name, inviting confusion with with the actual business based on Paraite Road, which sells animal fodder.
Engine, summing not searching
But J******* is right that our website is clearly not optimised for search injuns. I checked the logs and it appears that we are attracting searches for the following term combinations:

  • crucified women
  • st leonards church shoreditch old magazine advertising sketches
  • vowel trapezium
  • aircraft floaters
  • bobbit worm gif
  • egg drop cage with straws
  • eunicid worm
  • i remember lemuria
  • is there such thing as a 2 legged amphibian
  • "oppositional defiant disorder" rudolf steiner
  • muscle wrestling chloroform submission
[which according to the Riddled research team is probably cheating].

Conversely, there is no sign of incoming traffic from searchers for terms corresponding to the Riddled core activities of "My Little Pony" apotemnophila; vat-grown godmeat; Minotaur hentai; and of course Smut Clyde feet banana. This is very discouraging and speaks of a weakness in the website design, such as must be addressed before we invest further effort in on-going projects. What a tragedy it would be if we finished our Renaissance-woodcut animated adaptation of Return of the Sorceror and no-one came to it!

Yes, J*******, please call us this week to discuss some proven strategies that can help our business grow! Though you should probably call the palatial Riddled offices rather than trying to contact me through the university e-address. Don't be deterred if you find yourself speaking to Another Kiwi, he's quite harmless.

In the meantime, here's a little møøse trying to escape from commenter ITTDGY. Or maybe it's trying to catch up with #22, but the numbers keep resetting.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Extraordinary Meeting of the Time Machine Authorisation Committee.

Spacetime Eddie announced that a special request had been made for extensive use of the Time Machine.

Mr. Another Kiwi vouchsafed that if it was about the Pope swapping thing, no one noticed once they worked out that an Orang was a vegetarian. He said that even then people had said it was quite funny and actually progressive.

Spacetime Eddy said it was not the Vatican. He said that the arrangement they had come to with the Vatican and a planet made of diamonds had resulted in a good relationship with them.

Mr Smut Clyde opined that the instantly aged Riddled Dry White wine project had been a success and if it was people moaning about excessive Terpene content they should realise that phylloxera free wines tasted like that and too bad.

Spacetime Eddie said no it bleeding well was not the Remuera Wine Club who would be first against the wall when the revolution came. He said it was the government.

Evangeline van Holsterin enquired about was it the Internal Revenue, because she thought she had arranged things in that silly old episode which was a simple oversight.

Spacetime Eddie said could people shut up, it was always like this, people wittering on. 

Mr Another Kiwi said that if he didn’t like democracy he could bugger off back to the 1930’s.

Spacetime Eddie said no. The request was from the Prime Minister’s Office because the Prime Minister needed to “fix up history” a bit.

tigris said ho ho ho. He’s a bloody fool.

Mr Another Kiwi opined that time travel was for science and not politics and we couldn’t be mucking about with timelines if there wasn’t compensation.

Smut Clyde observed that the compensation would have to be bloody enormous for the amount of jiggery pokery needed to cover up the Prime Minsters blundering around.

Spacetime Eddie said that the statement in question was the PM saying that in his view the settlement ofNZ was peaceful 

tigris said oh just a quick job, then.

Smut Clyde opined that getting rid of 1860-1880 might cause a few problems.

Mr Another Kiwi said would Mr. Key like unicorns and rainbows as the original inhabitants of NZ

 Space Time Eddie said that he was getting a negative vibe from this meeting and wondered if anyone had thought of the political kudos. 

Another Kiwi said the PM could bog off.

 This was greeted unanimously favourably around the table.

Evangeline van Holsterin said that it was time for the Apple brandy blending day and Throgmorton was delivering the apples because Old Williamsons apples had matured sufficiently. 

The meeting was adjourned to prepare barrels.

Welcome back Another Kiwi

Imagine his surprise when Evangline van Holsterin (head barmaid at the Old Entomologist) awarded him the first prize in last night's Grumpy-Cat Lookalike Competition, which he had not heard of or prepared for due to his long absence and being "out of a loop" as the kids like to say.

He will have to give back the coveted keys to the Old Entomologist gents' toilet once his name has been engraved thereon, but he gets to keep the Observer's Guide to Strepsiptera.

Second prize was the Yellow Book -- the 2010 edition which doesn't have the appendix on Triungulin larvae, only blank pages for pressing specimens. I also get to wield the Poky Stick of Lamentation. Yay me!

Note our shoelessness. Skyclad feet is part of the Paleo lifestyle -- the gnarly toes are a side-effect from walking into concrete medlars left lying on the ground. No-one would be foolish enough to buy cheap shoes from the vile Throgmorton which he allegedly procured from "A load of old cobblers", only to have them fall apart on the first drop of spilled Spiced Parsnip Scrumpy, so it certainly didn't happen to us.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The die is cat

Mrs Spat's cunning disguise would perhaps have been more effective if more sides of the cube had been non-Cyclopean.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Honest, she just walked straight into my outstretched fingers and hit the ground like an Italian soccer player. No way was I practicing my Vulcan nerve pinch

Let's get outa here, lads. These ladies look dangerously inbred; the trees are melting; I can hear banjo music in the distance; and there's a bunch of library pixies down in the lower right corner, which always means trouble.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

A Play With Words.

The Riddled Amateur Dramatic Societies Christmas Special this year is "Any Fule Knows or Ye Merry Adventures of Fule Not Luking Bak in Angre" by John Osborne
Here we the see The Fule (Smut Clyde in an award winning hat) talking to Mr Sausage Maker (myself ) and pulling a groat out of his ear. This sets up the first major joke of the evening when Mr Sausage Maker says "Do not nanny me sir, it's my groat and not yours, groper!" There will be an intermission to allow the laughter to subside. Yes, they are nice rocks on the ground. Evangeline van Holsterin's vile cousin Throgmorton got them from a man he knows. 

 Then in a largely allegorical episode the Fule takes up Nordic skiing and getting one leg stuck in a warp in the fabric of space and time. He escapes from the grip of space time whatsit by shouting "Hawk Nax" which becomes an audience interaction thing for when The Fule is in trouble.

Moving on to the sing-along section of the play The Fule wanders the streets playing his bagpipes trying to earn money but people just throw more musical instruments at him in a post-modern sort of thing than John Osborne is full of it about  has as a theme in many works. The second big laugh of the night happens here when someone yells "You can't play that, try this!"

After he has sold the instruments The Fule tries to set up a hairdressing salon where the clients are not impressed by having to be blindfolded. See Miss Dainty (Evangeline van Holsterin) saying "Not a short back and sides or I'll have your gizzards and weigh them out ". "Ooer missus" says The Fule in his trademark saying. Evangeline enjoys the sword aspect a little too much for my liking.

Then in a hallucinatory episode The Fule sets up a fashion advisory business which seems to consist of persuading people to carry dead rabbits. Ms Upright (tigris) is complaining that the rabbit is a bit elderly. "It's a bit of a hairy hare" she says. Ha ha ha we all say.  

But then it all gets a bit odd and The Fule ends up sailing off to Fule land because as he says "This place is too foolish for the likes of me". He shouts "Hawk Nax" and is rescued by the Fule Navy who are out sailing in circles for no reason that is ever given (Plothole Spoiler). This is an artists impression since we only have one stage rowboat and it will just be manned by Greenish Hugh and Space Time Eddie who may or may not arrive at all.

I remain unconvinced about the flooding of the stage but Smut says it will be fine. I think we should give umbrellas to the front row people but this did cause trouble when we did "Moby Dick." The play's the thing, though eh?