Sunday, February 26, 2017

What we learned today

1. God is totally unsportsmanlike. I mean, like, three feckin arrows? Is that giving the little popes a sporting chance? And it's not even pope season! Fuck you God.

2. You can't walk anywhere in Heaven without stepping on disembodied baby heads. They are the Lego blocks of the Empyrean.

3. Beefcake boy would like to shelter some little popes too but he doesn't have a cloak so he is playing an invisible theremin instead.

4. It was probably a mistake to send Another Kiwi back to 1518 in the Time Machine with the idea of buying cheap political cartoons from Lucas Cranach d. Ä., because quite frankly we have no idea what the cartoon is about. Something about Sea Shepherd? Next time, Cranach, is it so difficult to write little identificatory labels on the figures?

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Gnumismatics

Bitcoin have been replaced by gnomes in the Flaxmere criminal economy.

That vanished garden gnome, all those photographs you received showing it in front of famous European landmarks, you thought it was a globetrotting Gnomad when all along it was stashed in a power-bill-delinquent Flaxmere meth lab.

When I write my novel about suburban desperation, in the style of early Philip K. Dick, it will totally be set in Flaxmere.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Agrocybe parasitica, also known as "Poplar mushroom"

Also known as "breakfast".


Parasitises living or dead hardwood trees, with a special fondness for the native Tawa and the introduced poplar and elm, until it GETS IN MAH BELLY.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Read the scene where gravity is pulling me around

Join the Science! Travel the world, meet exotic people, ask them to rate schematic drawings of lady-lumps according to attractiveness and apparent age!
There cannot be many cultures left in the world where evo-psych researchers have not descended with their schematic drawings of breast ptosis, in their search for fertility-driven cross-cultural universals, asking questions of the local males like "How attractive do you rate this schematic outline?" and "What is the age of this schematic outline?" Part of their motivation is the chance to use the word "perky" in scholastic writing -- an opportunity which otherwise too seldom arises.*


It is very confusing for those of us who laboured under the impression that Ptosis was a minor pharaoh of the 28th Dynasty. Anyway, it transpires that there are not one but two schematic-outline scales of breast non-perk -- both modified from Regnault's 1976 classification -- because "Bristol Scale" was already taken.
FIGURE 1 The six stages of breast ptosis
based on Kirwan’s classification (2002)

But here at Riddled Research Institute and Sheep-drench Emporium we do not condemn or criticise this evo-psych line of study, for it increases demand for the Riddled Antigravity Ptosis-Reversing Rotary Rejuvenator.
We must warn readers away from the McGravitas Gravity-reversing Magnet -- in a purely disinterested fashion -- for it is untested speculative technology, with side-effects that are known to range from Coxcombitude to Pert Foolishness.
Oddly enough, if you travel the world and meet exotic people and ask them to rate schematic drawings of increasingly pendulous scrotums according to attractiveness and age, they look at you like you're a perverted freak, is this justice? IS IT BOG-ROLL.
* 'Perky' peaked in about 2006. Before that was a prevous Perky peak in 1948, with 'perky' drooping and sagging through the 1960s and 1970s, no-one knows why.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Mallory Ortberg homage blogging

You'll only feel a little prick.
Yeah, well, you'd shrink too if it was your upper inner thigh under the needle.* You sure you've tattooed before?
Lots of times. I practice on myself.
You're not tattooed.
Invisible ink. It'll show up in the crematorium.
You didn't just learn from a 'Tattooing-for-Dummies" book?
No no no, I'm a professional, it was a Youtube video.

Remember my design. With the salted pineapple. Not one of those fake tribal patterns.
Gonna draw a moon first, so there's enough light to keep working. And a boat. And pies, coz I'm hungry.
That only works with magic purple crayons. Not tattoo irons.
Whatever. I have purple ink. Tastes good too.
Why am I so calm and sleepy?
That's the anaesthetic kicking in.

* Joke © Tom Sharpe 1971.

Friday, February 17, 2017

"Why did this manuscript come back all soaked in cat urine"?
"We thought you asked for pee-er review"

Hey monkey-boy! Why aren't we scientific authors yet? Other cats get physics-paper co-authorship! Even eedjit dogs!
OK, you two write the text. Then I'll de-LOLcat the spelling and submit it to the journal.

We provided lots of experimental data on 'The Properties of a Body at Rest'. You write the paper, then we'll tell you what sections in it are wrong and what you need to do again
I get this all the time from some of my human collaborators too.