The Persecution and Assassination of 240 Laboratory Rats as performed by CRIIGEN staff under the direction of Dr Joël Spiroux de Vendomois

Here at the Riddled Amateur Dramatic Society we are not entirely unfamiliar with hostile reviews, so we could sympathise with Séralini et al. upon hearing that their 2012 paper -- "Long term toxicity of a Roundup herbicide and a Roundup-tolerant genetically modified maize" -- had been depublished by Food and Chemical Toxicology. Evidently the paper was more of a theatrical performance than a scientific study, so we take this opportunity to invite Gilles-Eric Séralini and his colleagues to present it under RADS auspices, next open-mike night in the Wigglesworth Lounge at the Old Entomologist.

Séralini et al. are French persons who believe that GM corn is carcinogenic and mutagenic. Their experiment was designed to demonstrate its dangers, by feeding rats on a bewildering array of dietary combinations with a statistically-inadequate number of rats in each group, to ensure that at least one group would display a random but dramatic difference from the control group. They also used Brown-Jenkin rats, an inbred laboratory strain which spontaneously exhibit a high rate of blasphemous mutations -- developing loathsome titters, dextrous paws and sharp-toothed, bearded humanoid features.

The researchers were criticised at the time for ethical violations, in particular for keeping the rats alive after they had transformed (the Brown-Jenkin strain is known for attacking lab assistants and burrowing into their chests, and for kidnapping babies for blood sacrifices to the Elder Things).

The last author of the paper and source of its funding was Joël Spiroux de Vendômois, in his role as President of the anti-GM and pro-whackyness lobby group CRIIGEN. Let's look at his personal website:

I do not know what a Diploma in "Reparation of Legal Bodily Damage and Medical Expertise" involves, because Google could not recognise that phrase in any other context. One can only surmise that it involves lawyering and chasing ambulances.

You will be pleased to know, however, that his Commission's activities include

Implementation of an original and free collection system of the sharp and prickly objects both for private individuals and health professionals with a private practise financed by the General Council.

Dr Vendômois' concern is understandable (given his involvement in acupuncture) and commendable. Sharp and prickly objects (Curls up, but can’t swim — Sharp and Prickly, that’s him!) contribute to a great number of painted-jaguar-related accidents every year.

Appropriate protective clothing should be worn when collecting sharp and prickly objects. The person below right is DOIN IT RONG.


Invisible sharp-&-prickly objects are particularly dangerous.

Here a trio of disembodied flying hands demonstrate the proper way to deal with one, by weaving a protective network of energy filaments around it in the manner of the Tholian Web.

Close inspection of the disembodied flying hands reveals that they are plagued with parasitical digits and letters. It is perfectly normal for this particular strain of hands to develop such an infestation as they age; rest assured that it is not a result of inhumane experiments at the Riddled Research Laboratory, and that they will be painlessly euthanased as soon as it becomes burdensome for them

We are at war with Christmas (and Podia). We have always been at war with Christmas (and Podia)

Here in Antipodia the time approaches to celebrate Paraphernalia, ancient Roman festival of whimsical gadgetry and tools too specific to be used more than once.

Now available from the Riddled Gift Shoppe: The Gripping Hand. The perfect addition to any construction bench. Grips like a vice, although which vice is probably best left unspecified.

Ethical issues about consuming clownmeat? Now your squalms and cruples can be a thing of the past, when you have your own cellular-assembly 3D tissue printer!* Can be programmed for any meat!  
[warranty does not cover production of svið]

Tired of a personification of commercialised festivity manifesting down your chimney every year? Folkloric entities drawing their power from centuries of psychic accretion can be dangerous and unpredictable. Summon and disperse it in total safety, shielded behind an Electric Pentacle!

Of course some people like ZRM and Thundra reject the modern technology and insist on being all old-school about it.

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* As noted over at LGM:

Clowns are like oysters: you have to open the hard outer shell and then you can eat the inside.

In another point of similarity, both are liable to squirt water in your eye in an attempt at self-defense.

You can't spell Pantomime without Ptomaine

The script for "A Very Riddled Christmas" -- this year's end-of-year production from the Riddled Amateur Dramatic Society -- emerged from a marathon Script Workshop and Velcro Barfly Night at the Old Entomologist. Everyone wanted a part, which is why there are three Krampusse, and three Santa Clauses at centre left arguing which of them is the real Personification of Generosity. We couldn't keep the library pixies out of it even though they had been at the green ginger liniment and went all giggly and topless. Evangeline van Holsterin's vile nephew Throgmorton did not officially get a role but he comes flying in through the window anyway; serves him right for twerking on the trebuchet.

Another Kiwi and tigris are whispering by the Xmas tree, which has a fairy on top but is otherwise bare and symbolic in the modern style.

As it happens, the footage above is not from the actual production, which has been postponed, with rehearsals currently suspended for health reasons. Instead it comes from tuning the Riddled Dream Machine to record "Santa Claus' Worst Nightmare". Cast members are all expected to make a full recovery, owing to prompt administration of the Galactic-Imperial Christmas Ale and Universal Antidote* to the appropriate orifices. Throgmorton remains tight-lipped as to the source of the 'special mince pies' he provided for the RADS AGM. Most of the cast remain tight-lipped as well, though that appears to be an effect of the botulinum toxin.

It is fortunate that Santa's dream follows the script of our pantomime so closely. Evidently what makes it so nightmarish for him is the Doppelganger / Trippelganger aspect.

Santa is not the only one to be frightened of meeting his own image walking in the garden:

Some people are more badly affected by the experience than others.

* Also known as GIXA, but only if you don't mind sounding like you have hiccups.

Remakes of Zardoz

Worst idea?

Or worst idea EVAH?

Full on this casement shone the wintry moon,And threw warm gules on Madeline's fair breast

People these days do not appreciate a Keats hommage. When I do that, the Frau Doktorin is not well pleased, and there is discouraging talk about the advantages of the spare room as an alternative place to sleep.
OK, so those weren't really gules. My bad.

UPDATE: R. H. Thouless is a downer:

The Royal Society refused to publish Keats' paper on "Gules and Scotopic Vision", in which he argued that despite the usual rod dominance and absence of colour vision for moonlight illumination, a percept of 'red' can still be achieved under certain boobie-related conditions.