Sunday, December 27, 2009

Maniacal Laughter

The predatory technique of spiders consists of injecting their prey with venom and turning them into tin cans full of soup to be sucked out at leisure. Thus I used to think that spiders were limited in their dietary habits to exoskeletal animals. It turns out, however, that some species have evolved that somehow subsist on a more abstract diet. They live on numbers. Here are some arachnids about to capture and devour the numbers 4, 8, 13 and 5.

Of course spiders are sneaky things and they are not limited to the frontal approach. They are perfectly capable of sneaking up on their prey, pretending to be unaware of its existence until the very last minute. Here we see some using this oblique, side-on approach to stalk the numbers 7 and 16.

A spider about to seize a word, enmesh it in silk and carry it home to feed to its spiderlings.

I believe that this recent discovery explains most of the discrepancies and financial under-reporting that you have noted in my Inland Revenue returns. The figures for income were certainly complete and accurate when I filled in the IR12 form, and I can only conclude that digits were removed by arachnid depredations at some stage within your offices. I trust that you will find this explanation adequate and see fit to waive the usual penalties. Yours, Smut.

24 comments:

J— said...

were limited in their dietary habits to exoskeletal animals

Goliath Bird Eater says, "Tastes like chicken!"

merc said...

It is 5.00am and my cat is eating spiders loudly on our stairway thus balancing the household budget.
Cat smack biscuits for number spider noms, the pamphlet is availbale from,
Smut Publications (written with a gratitude grant from the IRD).

beadr, but I don't wanna be a Dr.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I see no mention of maniacal laughter.

An oversight? Or perhaps, an earwig?
~

Smut Clyde said...

Despite its name, the Goliath Birdeater does not normally eat birds. As with other species of spider, (specifically tarantulas), their diet consists primarily of insects and other invertebrates.
In other news, despite the usual descriptions of his smile, William Kristol does not normally eat shit.

I see no mention of maniacal laughter.

Perhaps that should be a tag. Or I could change the post's title to "Maniacal Laughter" and use "Helping Jennifer" as the tag. Please advise.

Substance McGravitas said...

I can only conclude that digits were removed by arachnid depredations at some stage within your offices.

May the 4s be with you.

Mentis Fugit said...

Just give us teh fucking moneys already. Rodney needs a new suit; the bastard's dropped another size.

On the brighter side, current projections have him vanishing completely some time around June 2019.

Love and kisses,
Teh IRD

mikey said...

Dood, you're suffering from arachnid deprivations within your orofices?

Can I just take a moment to say EEEWWWWW? Thanks.

Perhaps the best solution might be the insertion of a small predator to curb the arachnid population. I understand gerbils are effective....

Smut Clyde said...

At least the digits have been removed.

Jennifer said...

You're sick, twisted puppies... I leave for a few days and what do I find when I get back?? A "Hey! We're glad to see you!"??? Nooooooo... I get speedras... e-ville speedras... and I hear the maniacal laughter, even without my speakers turned on...

The one about to eat Maximus gives me hope though... I see the peace sign on its back. Perhaps he's thinking, can't we all just get along?

Yes... as long as you leave me alone!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Makes the old days, when all you had to worry about was zombies, look good, eh?

Teh Spiders said...

I see no mention of maniacal laughter.

Bwah hah hah hah haaaaah.
That's the cunningest part of the plan.
mwah hah hah haaaaah

Another Kiwi said...

Not wanting to be pedantic, Smut, but you have a long history of things eating important documents. So far you tax returns have been eaten by wolves, ostriches, enraged kiwifruit and, most exotically, marmosets.
I'm just sayin'

Smut Clyde said...

It's all because of this course I'm doing through the university, in genetic engineering. Just trying to retrain myself to rejoin the workforce with some useful contemporary skills.

There was the time my homework ate the dog. A few discouraging words were said that night.

ckc (not kc) said...

...please advise on nutritional values of numbers (real, imaginary, complex, etc.) ...any trans fats?

fish said...

It is useful to have a "Helping Jennifer" tag. It provides a handy catchbasin for a seemingly disparate collection of topics such as: cheese smells, shakespearian cross-dressing humor, arachnid arcana, and jokes about lost breasts.

Smut Clyde said...

Post now re-named & tagged.
The animated, drag-&-drop spiders are a project for the new year.

Another Kiwi said...

Shakespearian cross-dressing humor of which there is far too little in this blog

Jennifer said...

Grief... coming from both hemispheres...

Cheese smells?!? When did you ever help me, or did I need help, with cheese smells??

And I believe my breasts were not lost, only their firmness... fortunately all of fish's comments have been lost. :)

fish said...

Yes, the complete lack of historical record is quite fortunate for me.

Jennifer said...

damn you fish... also a nice tag.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Grief... coming from both hemispheres...

The amygdala is also thought to play a role in grief.

Jennifer said...

LOL

Another Kiwi said...

The amygdala is also thought to play a role in grief. Have you tried those with black pudding and deep fried? Grievous!

Smut Clyde said...

No, no, the amygdala is involved in the perception of fearful expressions.
BBBB is of course thinking of the Hippocampus.