Thursday, December 24, 2009

Under the tree

The best thing under the Xmas tree this morning was of course YOUR MUM the Government Health Warning from the Granny State. We have been urged to take care and do better than last year, when "Festive decorations went awry for 46 people injured during the holiday break. Christmas trees were to blame for 21 accidents, while 11 people were hurt in incidents with lights."

Setting aside for the moment our concern about the culpable malevolence of the trees (or perhaps they were seeking an understandable revenge), inquiring minds would like more details about the 14 festive-decoration-related injuries that are left unexplained in this reckoning. Perhaps people were unclear on the concept and somehow contrived to nail themselves to a cross.

The Accident Compensation Commission further advises us that "Hams brought 35 claims to ACC from December 24 to January 5. Thirty people were injured in chicken incidents during the same period." I really don't care to speculate on how you can injure yourself sufficiently in a chicken incident to require medical assistance. Defrost properly, is the moral. "You're frostbitten where?!"

7 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The female violent trees are gonna kick yur ass.

Mark my words!
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

"Festive decorations went awry for 46 people injured during the holiday break. Christmas trees were to blame for 21 accidents, while 11 people were hurt in incidents with lights."

How many involved alcohol? Would it be churlish to ask?

mikey said...

Certainly some of the remaining non-specific decoration-related injuries indirectly involved mistletoe, and that hot secretary who works in procurement.

Frankly, I am much more intrigued by the aggrieved hams seeking restitution for some injury, other, one might be forced to assume, than baking. Which is not to say that anyone here recommends getting baked. Or even half-baked.

It seems very likely that many of the chicken - related injuries were the result of long-simmering family disputes, where the chicken was unfortunately for the other diners near to hand when the issue became untenable and aggressive action needed to be taken...

merc said...

Many fowl deeds of family retribution are enacted at Christmas time. I just was the recipient of some inexplicable family logic just now.

probbett, don't grabbett.

Smut Clyde said...

the chicken was unfortunately for the other diners near to hand when the issue became untenable

Very good, ma'am. I think we are making progress. Very nice sandwiches, by the way. Now your story so far is that you only left the kitchen for a few minutes. When you came back, the argument had stopped, and the deceased was lying on the floor with his skull crushed, and the half-thawed turkey beside him. But you didn't see who struck the blow.

No.

Now this is very important. We may be able to take some DNA from the turkey. Where is it now?

You've just eaten the last slice. It wouldn't be safe to re-freeze it.
-------------------------------
Many fowl deeds of family retribution are enacted at Christmas time.

Excessive vengeance for what were only poultry offenses. Indeed.

Another Kiwi said...

-Holmes, how can have deduced that the murderer was an itinerant Uruguayan cattle herd tester with Klizensteins's Syndrome of the left buttock?
-Eggamentary my dear Watson.

M. Bouffant said...

One must use a large chicken when indulging in the fowl/small animal & drawer games, or parts of one may be caught in the drawer at an inopportune moment.