Friday, January 15, 2010

Mediæval Protection Rackets

What you need to remember, Ketil Flat-Nose, is that Big Ragnar Hairy-Breeks, he doesn't like crap perspective. He's sensitive, you know. Just one look at that cubist multiple-points-of-view art and the red mist just comes down like that. So if I were you, I'd get the mismatched vanishing-points in your floor tiles sorted out by next week, or we'll have to come back again with the big arrows.
Police surveillance cameras have captured a number of scenes in which Big Ragnar the herpetologist and his two goons maintain their reign of terror and enforce their regime of strict single-point perspective, as shown here, here, here, here, here, here, and most notably here. So far, however, their inquiries have been stymied by the unwillingness of the victims to cooperate with a prosecution. Since the only witness protection scheme currently available consists of jumping on the next boat to Greenland, who can blame them?


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Poor Ketil.

Sitting on pins and needles!

fish said...

The breaks in the floor are easily explained by the non-euclidean geometry phenomenon that was often observed when one was holding a teleconference through astral projection. This problem was not alleviated until several hundred years later when iChat was invented.

mikey said...

Damn! Lit that guy ALL the way up!

I'm personally fascinated by what appears to indicate the existence of a fully automatic crossbow.

It's pretty hard to come up with another explanation for the 'spray and pray' effect, which we are all too familiar with in close-range attacks with light autos and submachine guns.

In addition to the fatal headshot, dood took rounds to both arms and the leg that we can see from here.

What next? Crossbow grenade launchers? Falconers with bombs?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

just a model rocketry mishap, mikey.

Another Kiwi (just going on vacation) said...

Second Wise Man: Ooooh squire, that looks nasty. As luck would have it I know of a medical centre nearby that can fix that.

Smut Clyde said...

the existence of a fully automatic crossbow.

Zhuge Liang improved the design of the repeating crossbow, and made a version which shot two to three bolts at once and was used in massed formations, and for this reason, it was named after him. The repeating crossbow saw its last serious action in the China-Japan war of 1894-1895, where photographs show repeating crossbows as common weapons among Manchurian troops.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

In addition to the fatal headshot, dood took rounds to both arms and the leg that we can see from here.

An arrow in the head is a mere annoyance to a thick-skulled Myra man.

Smut Clyde said...

I've belatedly realised that the weird perspective of the windows and shelves in the right-hand half of the frame is consistent with Lorentz geometry, which suggests that the artist was travelling at relativistic speeds while he was making the woodcuts.