Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sink Letters

My litteralibral colleague Daedalus informs me that the scientific question currently concerning the boffins at DREADCO Bimler Research Laboratories is the relative weights of the letters of the alphabet. A series of delicately-poised precision apparati have been constructed to compare various letter combinations.

So far it has emerged that 'R', although heavy, is by no means the heaviest member of the alphabet, since an 'S' will balance it with a shorter distance to the fulcrum (exp. 15). One should not leap to the conclusion that weight is correlated with position in the alphabet; 'T' is comparatively easy to lift (exps. 10, 11, 12).

'U' is in fact one of the lighter letters, and Daedalus hopes to use this fact to generate electricity.

This should be enough to convince the Frau Doktorin that the only reason I have been putting on weight lately is because of the 'SUFFERIN' SASSAFRAS' slogan on my currently-favourite t-shirt.


Substance McGravitas said...

Simple hand tests are not revealing as the P just runs through your fingers.

tigris said...

You really need to pay your employees better, that one's practically skin and bones.

mikey said...

I think it's oddly self-referential that they label the tv "TV". I mean, can't you tell by watching it?

Fig. 1: The status Quo. Doin it the hard way.

Fig. 2: Early escalator concept. Not ready for deployment.

Fig. 3: Illustration for theory that if you take the V out of R, R would then be light enough to, dammit, this won't work.

Fig. 4: What? Sorry, I was playing with the kitten.

Fig. 5: "Then, when you release the cleated line, T will HOLY CRAP RUN!!

Fig. 6: I've GOT it! We'll rent a crane!

Fig. 7: Can you help me? I seem to be all tangled up in this mechanism.

Fig. 8: Nope. Making it bigger didn't help. Still all tangled up.

Fig. 9: I can't HELP it. The kitten is SO cute!!

Fig. 10: I hereby award you the T medal. What? It's better than the T Virus.

Fig. 11: Where's the kitten buggered off to?

Fig. 12: I dunno either, but Ikea wants to license it.

Fig. 13: Nah, fuck that gram shit, I got paid this afternoon, cut me out an eightball.

Fig. 14: THAT'S more like it.

Fig. 15: I'm beginning to wonder about your scale, pal....

Smut Clyde said...

The workshop does look strangely abandoned. One minute everyone's hard at work, assembling the statue in Fig. 1, heaving at ropes, adjusting the balance; the next minute they're all "OMFG it's time for Dancing With The Stars", and they're all off to the tea room where the TV is.

Another Kiwi said...

We are Artistes, Herr Doktor and won't be wage slaves

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Does the NZ government give you tax credits for hiring fachans?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

perhaps it is a Workshop of Telescopes.