Saturday, March 27, 2010

Today in Alternate History -- Parisian Edition

March 27 1865 was the date of the last large-scale incursion from the demon dimensions of Lovecraftian horror into the mundane world, with an assault on Le Ministère de la Marine. The attackers were numerous but after a half-hour battle they were repelled by Zouaves of the Imperial Guard, who had more flamboyant uniforms. It is still not known what provoked the attack, since the last remaining border disputes between the Second Empire and the Realms of Unspeakable Abomination had been resolved by the Treaty of Chorazin in 1862.

Fortunately the well-known war correspondent Charles Méryon was able to record the episode, being at the time on release from Charenton Asylum.

It is not clear what a classic Polynesian two-sailed canoe was doing as part of the attacking forces. At any rate, Méryon was able to depict it accurately due to the time he had spent in the Pacific in 1841-45, helping defend the French settlement on New Zealand by making sketches of strategic tree-ferns.

When Méryon returned to the asylum, he attracted the scorn of other artists and writers since his mental symptoms were not those of neurosyphilis, the only fashionable disease to have. "Sacre Bleu!" wrote Jules de Goncourt in the Journal des Goncourt, after visiting him at Charenton in 1867. "Quel poseur! Quel parvenu!" * Méryon died there of starvation in 1868.

We would like to emphasise that there is no proof that Méryon took advantage of the opportunities for nomming on branes during his time in New Zealand. It is true that his symptoms match those of a neural-tissue-contracted-type prion disease, but there is probably some perfectly innocent explanation for this coincidence.

Diplomatic relations between the Realms of Unspeakable Abomination and France have not yet been fully restored, but unofficial back-channels exist through the Grays and the Reptiloids, along with some limited trade in stanky cheeses and necromantic incantations.

* Being the expression of an egalitarian culture, the French language lacks words for these concepts, but if need be they will borrow the English equivalents.

15 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Diplomatic relations between the Realms of Unspeakable Abomination and France have not yet been fully restored, but unofficial back-channels exist through the Grays and the Reptiloids...

How do the orbs fit into the picture?
~

tigris said...

Paul Verlaine mentioned the orbs in his treatise on the subject:
Une aube affaiblie
Verse par les champs
La mélancolie
Des soleils couchants.

which roughly translated is "a weakened orb pours out its life force on the battlefield, the other injured orbs are sad."

Another Kiwi said...

Emo orbs haz sads too.
Perhaps a less headached person, than myself, could provide pictorial evidence of Van Gogh's role in the RUA assault on 19th century Europe. His own experience of th "White meat that is not Chicken" may have been the ksy to his perceptive pictures of what was really there.
(Goes of to swoon in darkened room) Swoon, I tells ye.

mikey said...

Man, that picture is fuzzy, unclear even. It's really hard to tell who's what and when's where.

But check out the top of the building. I'm pretty sure that's a Giant member of the New York Jets with a goose sitting on his helmet preparing to engage the legions of the underworld and their flying boats and aerial livestock with a shotgun.

I'd say your addled historian would do well to explain the existence of a very large, heavily armed american football player who is friendly with aquatic birds. I await the treatise...

Smut Clyde said...

It is not clear what a classic Polynesian two-sailed canoe was doing as part of the attacking forces

Thinking about it, it was probably a planoforming Drunkboat.

ckc (not kc) said...

...you know, at least a few of those appear to be whales - you might want to rethink your whaling posts (disregard if adequate supply of natty zouaves on hand)

Smut Clyde said...

Bonus Meryon -- "Teh Ghost Ship.

His own experience of th "White meat that is not Chicken"
The less said about Gaugain's time in Tahiti, the better. Suffice to say that the locals were all "What are you on about, you sick palagi boy?"

ckc (not kc) said...

...possibly tuna

ckc (not kc) said...

...aka chicken of the sea

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Man, that picture is fuzzy, unclear even.

Heavens to Murgatroid, sounds like a cartoon lion, Snagglepuss even.

merc said...

It's always about the uniforms, the Polynesians were present making a strong statement about animal fur, thusly naked, see?

plearmia, I am making a request in Italian.

Substance McGravitas said...

unofficial back-channels exist through the Grays and the Reptiloids

GROSS.

Smut Clyde said...

Perhaps a less headached person, than myself

TELL US IF WE'RE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE.

Another Kiwi said...

Haha too late noisy persons! I have been to the place with the good coffee and the French lady who says "Au voir" when one goes, so head is not achey no more.

merc said...

AK we're losing you to the French I can feel it.

eitylf, a very pert, hawt, elf.