Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Goldrush Almighty¹

Historical reasons have given the Gold Rush mentality a special place in New Zealand. There is always a nagging suspicion that an untapped resource is waiting somewhere just around the corner, and if only we knew where to dig then we'd all be rolling in hookers and blow.

This way of thinking comes to the fore when we see other people have a bright idea and make money from it, and rather than think "We should have bright ideas too!", the collective response is usually "If we do the same as them, we'll make money too!" Also, if someone has just picked up a $100 note, then our own best plan for prosperity is to start picking up $100 notes ourselves.
Sometimes the result is embarrassing. The Wellington mayor's current hookers-&-blow scheme is that the city should re-brand itself as a tag-along imitator of Hollywood, as a way of promoting the local film industry.²

So the #2 sign that a NZ politician is bullshitting is that they are describing something as a "gold mine". There was going to be unfunny stuff here about dairy farming and the politics of irrigation schemes, but tl;dw.

Anyway, I am confidently waiting for seed money from the gubblement to subsidise kick-start my scheme for making lots of money for myself the economy from battery-farmed kiwis.
Though I may need to rebrand the kiwi eggs as '24-carat nuggets' in order to get the attention of the Trade Minister (which is currently fixated on damming more rivers and providing farmers with free water that otherwise goes to waste on fish, birds and townspeople).

¹ Fatima Mansions lyrics today as a change from BÖC.
² More suggestions here.

9 comments:

ckc (not kc) said...

Kiwi (2,1) has sprung a leak... kiwis (3,1) and (3,5) have already been provided with leak recovery systems.

...the theory that is mine

Substance McGravitas said...

I'll have you know that Vancouver is Hollywood North! We'll fight you for the title, although we won't fight anybody else. Of course, you may want to be Hollywood South in which case I'm sure you're battling Austria or something.

ckc (not kc) said...

...and Toronto is Hollywood Limbo (you want nondescript? you've got it!)

Another Kiwi said...

A friend would like to know if there are any copies of "The Cowpuncher's Glove and The Ship's Husband" around? It sounds like a good movie.

mikey said...

Here's the scene. A mama sheep, in a field, about to give birth. The music is orchestral, like star wars or handles messiah or something, with a lot of horns n crap. Anyway, I think we've dwelled on the the freakin music enough at this point. Can we get back to the goddam sheep?

So under a dark, starlit sky, with lots of establishing shots and filters and shit, the sheep gives birth.

To a sheep who's SMARTER than humans. Who knows algebra, and economics, and small unit tactics.

This little lamb has one shortcoming - he can't talk. Not english, not mandarin, not portugese. Dammit.

But let's face it. He's a proliferation risk. Because instinctive to any ruminant that develops intelligence is the instinctive desire to build nuclear weapons. The lamb goes on the lam.

Meanwhile, sitting on the curb on the street in the outskirts of memphis, kentucky is a washed up ex-SEAL homocide cop named Ralph. His wife left him, his dog peed in his shoes and his captain told him he'd have to come to work sober from now on. Fuckers.

The little lamb stumbles up the gutter, starving, and offers a simple deal. He'd show Ralph how to make money if Ralph would only help him find some sagebrush and knapweed to eat. Ralph is skeptical, but the little lamb quickly demonstrates by getting a passerby to purchase a sub prime CDO and turn over his nuclear weapons. Ralph is impressed, and throws the little lamb in his trunk and drives to Paso Robles to provide the little wooly fuck with something good to eat.

Ralph works his way back to the car and takes off with the warhead. The little lamb is crushed, but lacks options. Just then, a SEAL team lands by helicopter with the intention of torturing the little lamb to find out where Ralph took the nukes. The little lamb turns the tables on the SEALs (see, he's SMARTER) and with one hood delicately balanced on a claymore detonator, he interrogates the SEALs and finds out Ralphs plan.

Nope. At that point, you're gonna have to invest...

M. Bouffant said...

Now there's one of those bright ideas y'all should be looking for.

Hard to follow it w/ trivia, but the mayor may be able to get the actual letters soon, cheap.

fish said...

You guys think that just because we are right-side-up you can pull one over on us. Those so-called "kiwis" are clearly something else entirely. I had a kiwi for lunch and it was green and sweet. Admittedly it wasn't much for conversation, but at least it wasn't a funny looking bird and it was quite polite.
I think I will have Another Kiwi for lunch tomorrow. I hope he has time to catch the flight (because he is not a bird).

Another Kiwi said...

That's a mighty fine storyline, there Mikey. I think it will play and play and play in Peoria.
Now as to the authenticity of teh kiwis.
They are so kiwis!!
The things that fish had for lunch (it that is it's real name) are Chinese Gooseberries.

Smut Clyde said...

Don't start me on tree tomatoes.