Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dear Marsden Grants Committee,

My research proposal is that you should give me money to travel around European art galleries and trace the history of orgasmic flushes as represented in art.

Here's the first depiction I know of a post-orgasmic flush, painted about 4 centuries before Masters & Johnson got around to describing the phenomenon. The reproduction is crap but the pink flush spreading down Venus' breastal area is quite striking when you actually see it in the Gemäldegalerie.

Yours ingratiatingly
Smut

Memo to self: clear cache after Googling for "sexual flush history" as the timeline results reveal unexpected and distasteful aspects of the sewerage industry.

29 comments:

J— said...

Memo to self: clear cache after Googling for "sexual flush history" as the timeline results reveal unexpected and distasteful aspects of the sewerage industry.

Not to mention the cookies.

merc said...

That violence dude is wearin' Speedo's, typical.

setch, only saying you'll fetch it.

mikey said...

Why are the big bad motherfuckers in classic art always cowering? Dood, you got guns abs n pecs for freakin days, so get up and hit that asshat a few times, fer fucks sake.

Ahh, I dunno. It's pretty clear SOMEBODY'S wrong here...

merc said...

True strength seems as weakness. And besides those bad boys can change into cows and stuff to get what they want you know.

prowingr, a moaner, as in, lookout mama there's a white boat comin' up the river.

Smut Clyde said...

Both dudes seem to be of a strangely knobbly construction, as if their arms and legs consist of lots of goldfish stuffed inside balloons rather than the usual muscles in the usual places.

merc said...

Politician's minds are made like that.

glytines, secret ingredient nutrition for politician mind building.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Another take

W.V. jugge. No I don't subscribe, what ever are you talking about?
~

M. Bouffant said...

Coney Island Whitefish?

Another Kiwi said...

Why, and I realise that this may involve some medical explanation that will not be in the slightest bit humorous or a mythological explanation that will cause pulmonary problems what with the laughing and all, has the flush spread onto the shirt that the bloke is wearing? Or cloak.
I think violence dude is actually demonstrating the googly to the falling over dude. You can tell because a cricket pitch is 22 yards long which in anciuant tymes was called a chain and so he is carrying a chain. As the artist said "I'm not going to put a bleedin' cricket pitch inna piccha. It'll be too bleedin' wide woodnit?"

Smut Clyde said...

Srs answer is that Bordone was a student and imitator of Titian, and Titian had a technique of selecting a pigment and using it to tie the whole room together -- as in most obviously his painting of "Masturbating Danae" where the magenta pigment* in the drapery at the left runs like a thread throughout the whole surface, not just in the drapery but also in the flesh-tones and even in the satin of the bed-sheet if you're looking for it.

In the "Venus and Mars" Bordone has done the same thing with the pink pigment which is rose madder IIRC. Hence Mars' sleeve having the same pinkness as Venus's inter-booby region. He wasn't trying to show Venus' skin tones re-reflecting the pink light reflected from the sleve, or vice versa, because artists didn't really start noticing that sort of scene interaction until a century later with Velázquez.

* Not actually magenta which was not synthesised until 1859.

mikey said...

That babe is HOT!

Funny story. When a company I worked at back in the '90s bought its first commercial print equipment, it of course fell to me to set up and configure the RIP (Raster Image Processor, the 'brains' of the printer). So me and my sysadmin were there at night, fucking around with settings and drivers and ppds and all sorts of shit. Of course, we needed a test image, so we selected a particularly explicit bit of porn to use in test and eval.

Well, you can guess what happened next. The printer came from the factory with very small amounts of toner, and before we were even done configuring the RIP it ran out of Magenta!

Dammit!

Captcha has a problem with early iterations of dildo development, particularly the metallic types which it disdainfully calls tinkox

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Good luck with the grant proposal, at the very least, the committee might send you a big ol' stack of Juggs magazines.

merc said...

I for one am learning things.

pelympli, snog caused pimples.

Substance McGravitas said...

post-orgasmic flush

The allure is gone when they forget to turn on the fan afterward.

merc said...

For optimum results, one must turn on the fan prior, I was told.

hostinbo, one bad ass mofo.

Substance McGravitas said...

Oh poop.

Smut Clyde said...

Please do not tease the sloths.

merc said...

Sloth love. Sigustamund Fried had a theory he dubbed the AI Poop Ratio that ran something like the degree to which you obtain bootie is commensurate with the amount of poop you are able to display to said love object...or how long you can really run on a sentence determines if you will be accepted for a Grant (to tie it all in nicely)...really, it's true for I have heard From Hell that indiscriminate use of caps is also like a moth to a mixed flame for them Kommittees poepleisms...

leckow, rough bovine love.

J— said...

indiscriminate use of caps

is an Art mastered by Few.

merc said...

I met Few once, bastard child of Many.

ougedst, a well known test for Ouija boards.

Smut Clyde said...

like a moth to a mixed flame
Shirley you mean "like a rat up a mixed metaphor" or something like that.

When a moth gravitates towards a candle, simple physics tells us that the candle is attracted towards the moth by the same amount, though the effect is subtle.

merc said...

Quite and I find this a part of the generous schooling service that is Riddled that budget cuts never seem to flag it nor run on sentences or Indiscriminate caps seem to diminish it's gentle loving ways.
BTW, there is no flame.

putshing, when put comes to shove.

Smut Clyde said...

Still on the topic of magenta.

merc said...

Oh I get it, that's on topic...BTW I worked with Capt. Black for a time, utter bastard.

ticalydr, nasty infection of the nether regions.

mikey said...

The poor young child was born in 2034. Probably never even hunted a Hadrosaur.

Look. I can't keep telling you. They're HERE. I mean, of course they are. They've always been here, because once they came, they ALWAYS came.

Sure and they're hard to identify, but here's what you gotta know. The time travel devices they use don't travel in SPACE, so they've set up specific locations they work with. Plate tectonics is a problem, but there are a few places they can work with.

Identify the Geographic coords and you have them. The thing they struggle with now is GPS. Sure, they KNEW about GPS, but they didn't plan on being exposed.

Y'know?

Another Kiwi said...

What monstrousness is this!?!?!/ Captain Magenta has a wax head and real hands!!!
Like a flame to a moth some people can't help footling about wiv nature.

merc said...

Magenta surfed naturally.
waxhead

Obsolete term for a keen surfer. It comes from the 1960s when boards were heavy solid wood and were carried balanced on the head, wax-side down, getting wax in the surfers hair.

repte, modern mana.

mikey said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NVO3cxTbxg

merc said...

Hey you been blocked!

ingie, a King sized innie.