Sunday, May 30, 2010

Domesticity

What with the "Riddled" Lear jet being in the garage again and Mikey losing the keys to the time machine ( he will soon) one has been thrown upon ones domestic resources lately. Several themes have emerged
1. We have an unkind spirit presence in our garage
2. It is not Mrs. cat
This is what happened;
The people that used to own our property were obsessed by Camellia trees. Why you might well ask? Well it was probably the only type of tree allowed in NZ in those far off days of the 1970's. But since they went to the shop that time, and we nipped in and changed the locks and mined the front yard, we have grown tired of the Camellias and their two weeks of bright pink flowers each year that then go brown and attract Betel Nut Monkeys (completely untrainable for butlering). So we have cut them down ha ha. This has left tree stumps which, as luck would have it, are where we wish to grow apples whose name may be something to do with witchery, I'm just saying don't eat the apples at midnight.
A trowel which we used for digging around the stumps proved in a dishandling manner to be unequal to the task but, learning from our misfortune, we saw that the handle was had been affixed with a cunning arrangement of rivets.
We borrowed an axe which was entirely used for cutting of roots and hacked away. In the middle of one series of frenzied blows, at the roots, the concrete fence and some wildlife which was passing, the axe handle broke off just below the head. A quick trip to the hardware MEGASTORE resulted in the purchase of a new handle after the requisite smirking at Mr Schmuck who don't know his 21 and 4/8ths axe handle from his 6 and 7/8ths one, Ho Ho.
But one has to remove the old axe handle and this is difficult. I thought that drilling holes might allow this and got out the old hand drill which did, indeed, help me drill two holes which may or may not have helped loosen the handle remnant. Just before the drill handle broke off. It seems that drill factories employ cunning riveters as well as trowel factories.
Then, loosened by the thumping on the axe head remnant, the little screw thing on the end of the vise handle unscrewed and the vise handle fell off.
Never mind the tree stumps were out and the axe was whole again although in a somewhat loose fashion which may require rivetting.
But then, to cooking where my years of teaching at the House o' Riddley Narwhal, Racoon and Bacon Fritters Institute is put to good use. One has to peel potatoes, of course, and this is rendered easy by such modern appliances as a peeler, whose blade does not come off. Without a blade, a modern day peeler is worse than useless and there is no hope of effecting repairs.
Then when one is making egg coating before breading Weiner Schnitzel it is helpful if the end of the black pepper grinder does not fall off and into the egg mixture along with about 4 tablespoons of whole black peppercorns. Forensic examination of the grinder has revealed a failure of the O-ring that keeps the peppercorns out of the channel bit where the handle seats into the body of the grinder.
Never mind, we soldiered on, schnitzel was consumed although kiwilets commented on the breadcrumbs being "A BIT HOT".
Look for us on "New Zealand's Most Haunted...Sheds" soon

19 comments:

merc said...

Carmelia trees do have some queer code locked in sequence within them that only 2nd gen South facing Pakeha know the knack to.
I have no idea of what they speak.

ckc (not kc) said...

Camellia, you're breakin' my heart
You're shakin' my confidence daily

ckc (not kc) said...

Without a blade, a modern day peeler is worse than useless

...most "modern day" peelers I've used are worse than useless WITH a blade...

Smut Clyde said...

These garden shops are shameless, the way they take advantage of credulous customers. Our camellia tree has been there for over a decade and we have not had a single camel from it.

merc said...

You can't make waves out of potato skins.

singone, oh yeah.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You can't make waves out of potato skins.

I think you can, you just need the right tools.

Another Kiwi said...

Me old Dad used to say that "where you can grow Camellias, you can grow tea". Smut's Camellias are bemused as whether to grow camels or tea first.Obviously you would need camels to take the tea to the Karori market where it could be swapped for salted pineapples BUT if there isn't any tea (and there wouldn't be)what would the camels do?
Also Mr Brainbox Merc, how are wavy potato chips made then???

Smut Clyde said...

My understanding was that the crinkle-cut wavy blade was invented in 1822 by the French executioner D'Ouchebag as part of a novelty guillotine for use on festive occasions, but it was not used in chip-related activities at the time since potatoes were not invented until 1876. I could be wrong.

mikey said...

Gad. No WONDER we suffer helplessly from American Exceptionalism. Some simple American skills don't seem to have functioning counterparts in the Commonwealth.

Stumps. There are two well known methods for removal. The most common is blasting. I learned about blasting stumps from an old stump-blaster known only as "Stumpy", for rather obvious reasons. Depending upon what's available, you can use mining/fishing dynamite, detcord (AKA Primacord) or black powder. Dig a few holes, set the charges, tamp them with sandbags, shout "fire in the hole", shoot. Inspect stump still stubbornly embedded in the earth. Dig larger holes. More. Couple over there. Good set charges. No. Bigger. C'mon, do you wanna live forever? BIG charges. It's you or the stump. Ok, now...what? No more sandbags. Fuck it. Only cowards and cuckolds tamp their stubborn stumps. Fire in the hole. See? Stump's out. And hell, we needed to replace that fence anyway.

The other method for stump removal is just as american, and almost as much fun. You screw a couple eye bolts into the stump, and run some good chain back to the trailer hitch on your pick 'em up truck. You what? No eye bolts or chain? Hell, boy, you need to go back to that swindler that sold you the axe handle and get some heavy metal. Now, you pile all the local kids in the back of the pick 'em up truck for weight and leverage, drop 'er into granny (um, first gear? The one you don't use when driving to the museum for high tea?) and give 'er the juice. NOTE: If yo lack either a trailer hitch or a pick 'em up truck, it is NOT recommended to attach the chain to the bumper of your four door family sedan. Nothing good will come of it.

Tomorrow, we'll see if we can help with your schnitzel...

Another Kiwi said...

I am unsure as the precise date of the invention of the Potato, it would have to coincide with the Avian Hollow Leg epidemic when all of the Miner's Canaries died and a replacement was needed.
Salted pineapples just did not cut the mustard, as it were.

merc said...

Now here is a guy inside the curl of a peeler sent from NZ.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFSDiOB0EhE&feature=pyv&ad=4559501474&kw=surf&gclid=COWS9KqO-6ECFSA5gwodE2-DFQ
You people need to get out more. BTW I won't be back in the office, ever, I have some peelers to peel.

Substance McGravitas said...

What with the "Riddled" Lear jet being in the garage again

All the hip kids have experimental ICBMs.

mikey's nextdoor neighbours said...

you can use mining/fishing dynamite, detcord (AKA Primacord) or black powder.

This is all very well, but at 3 o'clock in the morning??!

Smut Clyde said...

Dreadful Domesticity.

Another Kiwi said...

A short instructional movie on stump clearance by 4WD vehicle. Bugger!

Jennifer said...

This made me choke on my morning coffee. Although I'm physically fine, and can once again breathe, you'll be receiving the bill for emotional damages.

merc said...

Jennifer I know exactly what it is we need to do to make these Riddled Managlement pay for your hurts, after i return from important peelism biznass Milo will be in touch.
Milo, pm me on the vulture line.

eplio, an uneven lion.

fish said...

You can't make waves out of potato skins.

You can, however test the effects of waves on potatoes.

merc said...

...Addition of salt substantially reduced Dp of potato slurry.

Like this was needed to be verified? Wait and see what happens when they add sol niger, heh.