My big hands, keep my big hand to myself

There is a reason why people stopped playing authentic Baroque bowls with the 15-kg balls made from carved trichobezoars and changed to the modern bowling balls instead. It's the same as why people play Mozart and Haydn symphonies on modern instruments instead of authentic Baroque krummhorns and theorbos and violas da gamba*... the old instruments were a load of pants.

But you try arguing with the revivalists and purists. In particular, try arguing with Another Kiwi when he's all "Let's have a night of Baroque Bowls at the Old Entomologist to raise money for the Christchurch Earthquake Fund!"

The idea is to roll the bowls into the giant beehive naturally labelled B, which is also known as a Ni-Hill and mentioned in many bowling songs. A rat with a big-smile emoticon is guarding the entrance. But here I am with both hands firmly wedged, and hello, will no-one help the widow's son? A pint of beer to the lips would be nice. No, everyone is either juggling balls and 'E's in the background, or joining a rousing chorus of 'Nihill'.

Tiny Tim is sewing threads through the cards again. Do not accept his invitation to a "friendly game" of canasta.

* Da Gamba was a man of honour in the Venetian lutenist mafia around 1680, one of the original "Gentlemen of Verona", notorious for causing his enemies' bowels to sound like an harp for Moab and their inward parts for Kirharesh.