Gastronomy Domine: Pain aux œufs en chocolat-et-marshmallow

Here at Maison d'Être this is the highlight of the culinary year, when I venture into the kitchen to celebrate the Rising of the Zombie God and mark the passing of the seasons by preparing a ritual meal of battered Jesus-onna-Stick. Followed shortly after by the ceremonial 'Dousing of the Flames' and the traditional 'Annual redecoration of the Kitchen'.

However, the recent scares about the health hazards of contaminated godmeat meant that the Frau Doktorin was not so enthusiastic this year. I would have explained that vat-grown godmeat contains no nervous tissue and anyway the cooking denatures the prions, but I have learned not to argue in the kitchen on account of the "inappropriate touching with the expensive copper-bottomed saucepan" danger.


No problem; science has given us the gene-transfer transfection gun, propelling a spray of DNA-coated gold particles into the recipient cells.* I figure that if we transfer enough godmeat genes into a Theobroma cacao tissue culture then we can make Chocolate Jesus for the ritual meal** and no-one can complain about that.


No-one could possibly have predicted that subsequent to harvesting, the Theobroma bush would contract witches' broom and grow all deformed-like. It is now exerting an uncalming and malign influence all over the neighbourhood, with people igniting themselves in protest against the letter D, and popping up out of the pavement at the skate-park to the general consternation of the local youth who gather there and take E.

We have called in AK to trim the plant to a more regular shape and thereby return the suburb to a state of well-ordered tranquility. All in accordance with the principle of Utopiary.

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* "But wait!" the alert reader interjects. "Does not the human genome contain 12 strands of DNA, only two of them being material and known to science? Is this not a complicating factor? For I read about it in Pharyngula and it must be true."

The six pairs of strands are called the 12-strand Spiritual DNA. In the 12-strand system, the first pair is physical and the other five pairs of strands are non-physical energy imprints in the human energy field.
... the human race was at several times in a high developed state of multidimensional consciousness - like Atlanteans - but was unplugged from their power through dark alien forces called Annunaki (Gods of the Sumerians) which intended to gain and maintain their power. So they first decided to do a genetic manipulation, which created the split brain. This separated the analytical part of a person's reasoning from their intuitive, emotional part and the problems associated from this can still be seen today. They then unplugged 10 of the 12 strands of DNA but left them there. Some of this is the chemical DNA that science calls "junk" DNA, the DNA that is just sitting there inside your cells, the other is the etheric DNA that exists in higher harmonics of frequency that you can't see with the naked eye.

Indeed the reader is correct, though let the record show that Riddled was onto the 12-strand-genome story before that late-comer PZ Myers. Anyway, we are one step ahead, and we loaded the interfection gun with mono-atomic gold, which is also more advanced and spiritual and in a superconducting distributed quantum state of nuclear spin excitation, allowing it to transfer those additional strands.

** This is certainly worth a try:

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Jesus-onna-stick DOIN IT RONG.