Friday, May 20, 2011

Keeping Abreast of the Literature

As you know, Riddled is a serious research institute and we take seriously our responsibility to keep you informed about looming existential threats (e.g. Jean-Paul Sartre warning that he's about to throw up, after only two pints, whadda lightweight). Any spare time is spent in the Medical / Apocalyptic section of the Riddled library keeping up with the literature (Asimov, 1955), and it is only a coincidence that the library pixies have chosen to file Another Kiwi's back-issues of Miss Busty Monthly there.

Vexingly, they sometimes file medical / apocalyptic journals there too, which is how I found myself reading

Morgellons disease: Analysis of a population with clinically confirmed microscopic subcutaneous fibers of unknown etiology *

In which we read the following perturbation-making information:
You can see the immanent existential threat here: If the fibres are so resistant to destruction then they are going to accumulate in the environment until they eventually FILL THE BIOSPHERE and we ALL DIE. Riddled Research Laboratories have introduced a MorgellonsShield but that is only a detection system consisting of drag-&-droppable photoshopped arrows and moreresearchisneeded.

In the medium term, the practical implications of virtually-indestructible fibres have not been adequately explored (Guinness, 1951).

...Spunky red-head girl reporter has not heard from her Morgellons-Syndrome informants since they signed up with a new clinical trial offering to cure their condition. Curious, she ignores the scoffing from her editors and the warnings from sinister Men in Black while she follows the trail of clues that eventually leads her to the underground government base where the Morgies are being held in battery-hen conditions while their fibre exudation is harvested, for carbon sequestration but also to be woven into the immaculate white suits worn by members of the Global Elite.

I am relying on mikey to write the parts of the script where a cantankerous yet lovable war vet helps out the reporter with his expertise in firearms, motorbikes, vibrator repairs and car explosions.

* In Clinical, Cosmetic and Investigational Dermatology, a real journal aimed at plastic surgeons and their ilk, with peer review and everything, contains no eels.

Bonus citation FAIL:

17 comments:

Another Kiwi said...

On the contrary, Sir, 'Pers.Comm.' is a citation with a long and proud history in Anti-Global Warming fuckhead circles.
Silly old pathologists writing "Textiles" when they see textiles.

Smut Clyde said...

That is as may be, Sir, but I do not rate for Pers.Comm.s from people whose names belong in Knock Knock jokes.

M. Bouffant said...

TBD Medical Associates, San Francisco, CA, USA

Here in these United Snakes, TBD usually means "To Be Determined," which I suppose is a good attitude to take toward scientific enquiry.

Which reminds me: Which month is bustiest?

Smut Clyde said...

We will not be having with jokes about "keeping a breast of the calendar", for this is a decent family blog.
Also Miss September.

guitarist manqué said...

Why? Why did I click on a Smut music link? Ouch. I had something to say but that wiped my slate clean.

ckc (not kc) said...

(it's impossible to resist a link to "Miss September" - I know, I tried)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Item 1) What guitarist manqué said.

Item 2) I figured you upsidedownies would be taken up to heaven already.
~

tigris said...

the library pixies have chosen to file Another Kiwi's back-issues of Miss Busty Monthly there

They also keep asking me why the scantily clad young ladies pictured aren't actually breaking anything.

Substance McGravitas said...

Indestructible fiber means unstoppable poop.

mikey said...

She walked hesitantly across the ragged parking lot, a dubious look on her face as the gusty winds off the bay played havoc with her elegant red coiffure. There was a rusted metal door in the side of the dilapidated warehouse, which I opened with a flourish. "My Scooter", I said as I turned on the overhead fluorescent lights. "Let me show it to you".

It sat low and menacing above it's inevitable small puddle of oil, all matte black and dull chrome with the patina of old pewter. I showed her the hidden release for the concealed compartment in front of the tank that held the 4" Smith .357. "Teflon loads", I told her. "They'll defeat body armor, and penetrate most engine blocks - very effective anti-vehicle rounds."

"Now", I told her. "Look over here". She leaned forward and watched as I opened a hinged plate innocuously located above the crankcase. I slid out a grey metal box. "Magnetic mine". I said. "Flip the switch, slap it on a car and get clear - it's a 20 second delay." She nodded grimly and made notes in her little reporter's notebook. I wondered briefly about the use of pen and paper in this day and age, but shrugged it off - must be a reporter thing.

We walked around to the other side, where, I pulled open a velcro flap in the seat. "It's called the "Magic Mary", I told her as I handed it to her. "Fourteen centimeters long, six discrete vibration settings, three different motors, convective liquid cooling throughout. There's nothing like it on the market." I pretended not to notice as she slipped it in her bag. Another satisfied customer...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Now I want a Morgellon's fiber supersuit (NO CAPES!!!).

I think the safest way to dispose of the indestructible matter is to shoot it off into space, maybe spin a net to capture and contain the asteroids to prevent any collisions with teh Erf.

vacuumslayer said...

Spunky red-head girl reporter

Always with the Ginger love. I feel a pout coming on!

Also, where does one find AK's copies of Bumpaddle?

Another Kiwi said...

Hah Bumpaddle is dead to me now. The bobby with a hobby was factually inaccurate (Peel,R. Pers. Comm.)

Smut Clyde said...

They also keep asking me why the scantily clad young ladies pictured aren't actually breaking anything.

The predictions of Rule 34 are such that I will not even bother googling for "nudist taekwondo". Also it is probably a trigger for many of our commenters.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

If it was "nudist mom taekwando" that'd be a trigger* for me.

wv/ says derper. herp. herp.

*It would make me shoot my load.

Substance McGravitas said...

OMG it's GRAPHENE!

H. Rumbold, Master Barber said...

The answer to the musical question "Which month is bustiest?" is, of course, June.