Tuesday, November 22, 2011

At my back I always hear Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near OH FECK THAT'S NOT A CHARIOT¹

Survival is not easy for a species named after a variety of red-haired double-hearted skinwalking Romanian vampire. So Sirocco the parrophiliac Kākāpō was sent on an ambassadorial mission to the human race, most recently to Wellington... to grant exclusive audiences to a stream of visitors and impress them with the feathered loveability of his kind and maybe hump a few heads when he had the chance. The theory was that the charismatic-megafauna status of Kākāpō would increase as people realise -- with first-hand experience of his proclivities dripping down the back of the neck-- that as well as flightlessness and binocular vision and a dance-floor mating culture, his species and ours also share a tendency to develop strange fetishes.
Now Sirocco is en route home to Maud Island, where the only outlets for his lust will be members of his own kind. He will turn bored and bitey.² But never fear, an animal behaviourist hopes to pray away the gay redirect his urges to a plushy owl using macadamia-nut-related bribery. PROGRESS!

Were the psittacine sexual-reorientation therapist an American,³ one would wonder whether she was masking more-or-less successfully suppressed head-humping urges of her own.

¹ Also wingèd and hurrying and not a chariot.
² Like Byron, Sirocco is on "Maud, bored and dangerous to gnaw".
³ She is, but NEVER MIND.
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UPDATE I forgot the sponsorship deal:
Smut Clyde drinks Aalborg Dildo Vodka while writing puerile and borderline-misogynist blogposts.

AALBORG DILD Akvavit, er stadig en ren og frisk dildoplevelse, men såvel råvarerne som fremstillingsprocessen er yderligere forfinet, så den fremstår endnu mere elegant end tidligere -- that's what it says on the label, and who am I to disagree?

25 comments:

tigris said...

Strigoi: They also have the ability to render themselves invisble.

That's some pretty aggressive slimming.

fish said...

AALBORG DILD

Um, resistance is futile?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

FURRY REVOLUTION!

(Even if they're feathery, I suppose?)
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

maybe hump a few heads when he had the chance.

I'm not eating THOSE brains.

El Manquécito said...

Here I've been thinking for years that owls were the only birds with binocular vision. Having now learned what wiki has to say about kakapos I understand why they're so fascinating to the Riddled.

Also, too, mustelids. I know a guy that's been working on re-colonizing islands in the Gulf of Maine with seabirds (puffins, obscure tern species) and he tells me he's known mink to swim more than three very nautical miles to egg islands to despoil them. Mustelids are motivated.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Mustelids are motivated.

Indeed.
~

Smut Clyde said...

Mustelids are motivated.

Badger badger badger!

A pregnant stoat got across the 5 km. of sea between the mainland and previously predator-free Kapiti Island, and now there is a lot of running around there with traps and sniffer dogs.

wiley said...

I have my doubts about the viability of a species that should reproduce via the usual in-and-out, but won't. An animal that doesn't know how to or refuses to screw is entirely too dumb to carry the torch of carrying on as a specie.

A Kakapo said...

So which species invented exhaust-pipe fucking and erotic self-asphyxiation?

Smut Clyde said...

he's known mink to swim more than three very nautical miles to egg islands to despoil them.

Do the minks replace the stolen eggs with suitably-sized pebbles to distract the angry parents?

Insert "Leaving no tern unstoned" joke here.

El Manquécito said...

Insert "Leaving no tern unstoned" joke here.


Owwww.

El Manquécito said...

"I just had to say 'Owwwwww'."

El Manquécito said...

Do the minks replace the stolen eggs with suitably-sized pebbles to distract the angry parents?


How can they fly in the face of the "one good tern" rule?

vacuumslayer said...

I can be bribed with Macadamia nuts, too. Some people thinks this makes me easy. These people are correct.

Substance McGravitas said...

Hold out for chocolate fer gawd's sake.

Oopole!

tigris said...

For chocolate-covered macadamias even I would turn my back for the wingèd furry thing.

Smut Clyde said...

the "one good tern" rule

Je n'egret rien.

mikey said...

"...A Clean and Fresh Dill Experience..."

SRSLY?

I'm not certain I am completely clear on what a "Dill Experience" might be like, but by GAWD if I ever have one I'd want it to be clean and fresh.

It's like Dill Douche, fer crissakes!!

Smut Clyde said...

Did someone say "Dild Ouche"?
That's why you need the 55-gallon drum of lube.

mikey said...

I am SO ok with that.

Because my experiences with group sex were concurrent with my crank addiction, so we used liberal quantities of Crisco oil and went on for days and days and the oil would start to go rancid and it was...nasty.

I can't help but think that some stabilized lube would have prevented some rather unpleasant outcomes...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

crank-addled bloggers are SCARY.

Actually, I just wanted to write "crank-addled"

Crank-Addled. there.

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

Bells betoken bliss.

mikey said...

Hush now.

I'm having a Dill Experience over here.

Whoa....

wiley said...

A one hundred and fifty year old skill of a fifteen year old girl? I thought oil paints were expensive. Where is the very olde skull shoppe, anyway? Or does he just rob graves?

Smut Clyde said...

I guess you know the Mummy Brown story.