Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Pandering to the Arachnid Acrotomophilia lobby

Spider's grandiose, drug-induced halluc-
ination of capturing entire spaceship
Committed as we are to bringing our readers the finest of useful information, we have already touched upon Peter Witt's pioneering research into spider drugging. Initially Witt gave out amphetamines in an attempt to change the spiders' circadian cycles to daytime web-building so that they wouldn't keep a colleague awake at night with the construction noise. He was not however the first person to dose spiders with blood from a schizophrenic to see if they would develop an insatiable thirst for the stuff and stalk schizophrenics down dark alleyways and into their boarding-house abodes, which had it worked would have been a useful diagnostic device.*

That post has received a barrage of search-engine hits over the last week; evidently there are a lot of weird people who care A LOT about spider-related intoxication. It has swamped the usual trickle of inquiries into "Sumerian tattoo freedom" and "Franz Radziwill Orbs" appearing in the search stats.
These inquiries lead us deeper into Witt's arachnid œuvre, for at Riddled we regard even the most fleeting whim on the part of our readers as an adamantine command... like a parent's dying wish or a Papal Bull or a ukase from the Tsar.
Spiders deprived of one first leg or two front legs on the same side built webs changed in specific ways and never recovered. [...] It is concluded that the first leg has a measuring as well as a locomotor function, that the second leg can partly substitute for that measuring function. Web changes following delegging reflect loss of normal adequacy in both of these functions. No evidence of right-left differences in leg function were found. All adaptation to the absence of one or two legs had occurred in the first web after the operation.
You are reading that correctly; in his systematic examination of different ways of handicapping spiders, Witt moved on to amputation.** Evidently spiders have no bias to left- or right-handedness. The only redeeming side of producing so many disabled arachnid amputees was the stimulus it provided to research into spider prosthetics.
I can't wait to see how much traffic we get from this combination of search terms.

* That was Nicholas Bercel.

** The paper credits a "Mrs M. Agi" for "technical assistance" so she might have been the actual delegger.

12 comments:

ckc (not kc) said...

slightly OT, but the only search term in that list (other than the spidery ones) that makes any sense to me is "thin penis"

Am I alone? ...limited in my outlook? ...missing something? (these are all rhetorical questions to which I don't want answers)

w/v mydrooph - goes well with thin penis

Smut Clyde said...

The three most popular posts in Riddled history:

Up in the sky Beyond the chasm
Sep 21, 2010, 364 Pageviews
Franz Radziwill, painter of orbs
Jun 2, 2010, 321 Pageviews
Marine worm of the Week
Nov 20, 2009, 317 Pageviews

The first one (also spidra-related) brings in a steady trickle of visitors searching for Caerostris darwini. I hope they are helped.

ckc (not kc) said...

(answering my rhetorical question and leaving me alone with the thin penis and its drooph) :)

tigris said...

It's nice to see that bendy straws, once considered endangered and even now rarely seen in the wild, have found a niche in spidertronics.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

It's nice to see that bendy straws, once considered endangered and even now rarely seen in the wild

Sarah Palin hunted them to near extinction.

The only redeeming side of producing so many disabled arachnid amputees was the stimulus it provided to research into spider prosthetics.

It also allowed the construction of centipedal mobile forts.

What's with all my "Demon Princes" analogies today?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

One would think that Jennifer wouldn't need any more help, after all we've done for her.
~

Anonymous said...

And the reason we're obsessed with spiders? - their mechanical superiority, complete power over their own realm, and propensity to snack on their children and husband. Think back to when you were a kid... remind you of anyone?

Smut Clyde said...

propensity to snack on their children and husband

There was very little of that in my family background.
This "spider / Mother" equation is venturing into Louise Bourgeoise territory, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

Whew, quite the sculpture! Just as easily, Bourgeious (sp, sorry) could be saying (for those who stand right underneath) "now wouldn't you like to have this steely beast as your protector?"

Would you not concede that many of our associations with "spider" operate on the presumption that it be female and somehow threatening? And since we're in the realm of metaphor, that threat can be almost anything.

M. Bouffant said...

Have I mentioned the Aggie biology student & the spider?

Pretty sure I have, but I should have waited for this item.

Anonymous said...

ckc, thin is in, and fits in mouth better.

Smut Clyde said...

Would you not concede that many of our associations with "spider" operate on the presumption that it be female and somehow threatening?

SHELOB SHELOB
Though Bourgeoise associated spiders with protectiveness and industry (which is why she thought they were female symbols).

I must refer you to The Spider-Glyph in Time by my colleague Mauricio Santos-Lobos.