Saturday, March 3, 2012

To Omnium! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems

To stretch the departmental budget, the eponymous Policeman Fox used his access to a box of omnium to construct his personal police station, in a place where it would not be liable to the county rates:*

This is the key sentence:After the tragic events of The Third Policeman, many decades passed while the Mathers mansion lay vacant and unused for literary purposes. At last it passed into the possession of Lucy's family (and no credit redounds to their realty dealer who failed to warn them of its history). Evidently what was once Fox was still in residence within the walls, but after such prolonged exposure to omnium's mutagenic rays he had not only changed species but also undergone a process of corporeal fission: However, the media exaggerate the scale of the mammals-in-the-walls problem. It is totally unfair. Many families have insectivores or monotremes or large ungulates occupying the cavities hollowed out within the walls of their house, and find them to be perfectly congenial neighbours.** It is just one or two species of canidae who give all the other mammalian families a bad name.

Among the canids, Japanese raccoon-dogs or Tanuki are notable for their nuisance potential. Judging from the shape-shifting protean properties of their testicles, Tanuki have their own supply of omnium.

If you have dholes in the walls it is possible that you are inhabiting an H. P. Lovecraft story.

* Sixteen and eightpence in the pound with thruppence in the pound for bad yellow water that I would not use and fourpence by your kind leave for technical education.

** Homes where buffalo bison roam are actively sought-after in musical circles.

20 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

If you have dholes in the walls it is possible that you are inhabiting an H. P. Lovecraft story.

Don't forget all those Delapore victuals. I can't wait for Thanksgiving... or Walpurgisnacht.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I always wondered how the phrase "balls to the wall" originated.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

It is just one or two species of canidae who give all the other mammalian families a bad name.

Awkward teenagers are mammals too.

mikey said...

When I move into a new house, one of the very first things I do is remove the medicine cabinet and build shelves between the studs below medicine cabinet level. Now mind, this is not for something you might need quick access to, but I can provide assurances that anything you store in there will not be found, even in a warrant search. Highly recommended.

As to the Omnium, when you watch, transfixed, during the London games in July, do try to remember that like golf, in Omnium it is the LOW score that wins.

Carry on now...

Smut Clyde said...

Now squirrels in the walls are of course no problem to anyone.

fish said...

The Orkin man has some catching up to do.

Anonymous said...

Sheep in the Wainscotting!

el Manquécito said...

So if Willard wins all tomorrow does that mean the Republican convention is a Romnium Gatherum?

Substance McGravitas said...

It's already tomorrow there and they're just SITTING on the information.

wiley said...

Didn't think the old "dead already" theme was so new; but for a bit there new releases were often "dead already" or "dreaming."

Then there was "Inception" and wtf?

But thank you for introducing me to raccoon dogs. Intriguing aminals they be. Quite fetching. Fortunately, the wiki page didn't show their balls which endears me to them yet more.

Another Kiwi said...

It's already tomorrow there and they're just SITTING on the information

Ho Boy! No one could have seen that coming!! The Breitbart video tape, the Limbaugh confession. Man what a bloodbath. BBBB said it best when

Smut Clyde said...

Didn't think the old "dead already" theme was so new

One of these days I'm gonna re-write "Incident at Owl Creek Bridge" from the perspective of the Owls.

The Owls said...

You try building a sodding bridge with wings not hands! I'm glad it fell down, fecking bridge.

wiley said...

"Incident at Owl Creek Bridge"---is that where the guy's rope breaks, and he escapes, yadda, yadda, yadda?

If it is, then I saw a great short film of that on the Twilight Zone once. I think it was French or Spanish; but Rod Serling showed the short in it's entirety. It was imagic and no words were really required. Was dreamy.

Smut Clyde said...

I'm glad it fell down, fecking bridge.
See, people, this is what happens when you depend on poorly-paid and unmotivated migrant labour from the Tower of Flints.

-is that where the guy's rope breaks, and he escapes

That's the one -- though I haven't seen the episode of that twilighty show about that zone.
You seen "Jacob's Ladder"?

el Manquécito said...

from the perspective of the Owls.

Binocular, with little color discrimination.

wiley said...

Was just thinking, smut, that we should see about renting "Jacob's Ladder" again. I've only seen it once, and that was ages ago. It did get increasingly fantastic as it went along, so at some point you've gotta ask; but I remember it being well paced in that regard.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Was just thinking, smut, that we should see about renting "Jacob's Ladder" again.

Wiley, you move to N.Z.?

Substance McGravitas said...

That's only the Blogger people.

wiley said...

Have not had the pleasure of moving to N.Z., you big bald bastard, you. Am in the habit of being part of a collective of 2 when it comes to film viewing--- me and clouds.