Thursday, September 27, 2012

Turtle Haze

1. Russell's Second Conjecture, that "It's turtles all the way down", has only been demonstrated for the first 107 turtles. It has been shown to be mathematically equivalent to the Riemann Hypothesis, so if a tortoise or terrapin is found, the corollary follows that there must be a corresponding non-trivial zero of the Zeta Function with a real part ≠ ½.
Both conjectures are equivalent to Dunsany's Recursive Theology, which states that it's chess-playing gods all the way up.

2. It is estimated that at least 750 softball games around the world are disrupted  each year by leatherback turtles.

3. Turtles are clockwork entities, devised by James Blaylock as part of the backstory of The Digging Leviathan, only to be released into the environment when anti-steampunk extremists broke into his laboratory.

4. Hoan Kiem Lake in in the middle of Hanoi contains a giant softback turtle of uncertain species, recently captured with the help of the Vietnamese military who are better-trained in chelonian wrangling than any other military organisation of comparable size. It may be the last of its species. The mummified turtle kept in a shrine on Jade Island (after dying in a crowbar-related episode in 1967) was probably its mate. One day REAL SOON NOW the one in the lake will notice its bereavement and wreak a bloodthirsty vengeance. Someone should write a book.

5. Speaking of books, Mock Turtle sounds interesting and I have asked the Library Pixies to interloan a copy from the Pseudobiblic Archives.
6. Authorities do not recommend spending long periods in an aquarium gazing meditatively into a tank cultivating a mental bond with its strange slow inhabitants. Eventually there will be a transferal of consciousness and you will find yourself inside the tank staring out at your body as it exits the aquarium. This always happens. This is all very well for axolotls with their Aztec profiles, or for alien species, but it's not so much fun when you're a stomatopod.

Also you may find that you are a character in a Russell Hoban novel. Not that there's anything wrong with that (especially since Russell Hoban himself was only a character in a Dorothy Sayers novel).


M. Bouffant said...

That is not a softball game.

Softball is played by sweaty guys w/ beer bellies (no butt-chugging for them) & T-shirts w/ the name of the bar that sponsors the team on them, or by lesbians, not pooves all in white.

fish said...

or by lesbians

I am pretty sure one of them is Ellen DeGeneres. The other one doesn't look like Portia though. SCANDAL!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

It's not entirely cricket when you have flying turtles interfering with your swing.

Substance McGravitas said...

Just eat them.

mikey said...

First, the turtle seems to be less of an impediment to a bracingly competitive softball game than the regularly spaced, if quite nicely carved and figured, pillars. Boys! Go outside and play.

Second, as much as I swim, I find that my swimming is quite insignificant, indeed, if one can master the art and science of significant swimming one can reach the same pinnacles as Michael Phelps.

Third, the answer is ALWAYS the square root of 2. Every schoolchild knows this - unless it's not a math question, in which the answer is ALWAYS tariffs...

Sirius Lunacy said...

First: Excuse me while I kiss the sea.
Second:I have a beer belly (no butt-chugging for me) & a T-shirt w/ the name of the bar that sponsors the team on it, and am a lesbian trapped in a man's body, not poove all in white. So naturally, I play softball. I have played in well over 750 softball games around the world and not one of them was disrupted by a leatherback turtle. We did have a bit of fuss with a hawksbill turtle once though. However, with the proper obedience training he did eventually go on to make a perfectly suitable second base.

Sirius Lunacy said...

I think those pooves in white are actually trying to beat the flying turtle with the bat and are not actually playing softball at all. They are obviously into masochism. Why else would they have gagged a woman, cut off her legs and stashed her in a locker?

Smut Clyde said...

...and Sirius brings us back to the amputation porn. THANKS.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

One day REAL SOON NOW the one in the lake will notice its bereavement and wreak a bloodthirsty vengeance. Someone should write a book.

The movie's been out for a while.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

It's a Love Story.

tigris said...

Why else would they have gagged a woman

It's a beard. She's attracting the turtle with it.