Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wooden Ships on the water #2

Via BBBB, we learn that career political candidate Mitt Romney has pledged to return the capabilities of the US Navy to its 1916 levels:
The size of our Navy is at levels not seen since 1916. I will restore our Navy to the size needed to fulfill our missions by building 15 ships per year, including three submarines.
Now we are not professional battleship bloggers at Riddled, but in the course of an erratic education I did learn that the arena of naval conflict (at least in 1923) was between the ZZ rays discovered by British boffins and the inimical Ultra-K beams that the Germans had learned to generate.


"Ultra-K" rays may sound like a breakfast cereal but were in fact a form of directable radiation that could destroy ships at distances of hundreds of leagues -- even Ships of the Line, even Dreadnaughts! -- by heating their constituent metals to incandescent temperatures and causing explosives to detonate. They were the EMP weapons and directed X-Ray beams of the day. Able to wipe the Royal Navy off the waves, seemingly the Huns had attained supremacy of the sea.

In the end the day was saved by using the skills of old to build a fleet of wooden ships stripped of all metal parts and sending them against the Ultra-K stations, carrying a fighting force of plucky British lads clad in leather armour and wielding longbows as in the days of Agincourt.

Interested minds are wondering what will Mitt Romney do to close the Wireless-Waves Gap, and to ensure that the US Navy maintains a strong wooden-ship capability.

We are also avid for details of Romney's "secret battleplane" scheme to combat the Zeppelin menace.

14 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

We need to match the Yamato and the Musashi!!!!
~

fish said...

carrying a fighting force of plucky British lads clad in leather

I am interested in a subscription to your magazine.

Sirius Lunacy said...

To go with the wooden ships, the Secret battleplane should also be a wood plane.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Regardless of the damage to hotel rooms, livers, and virginity, I don't think Led Zeppelin is that much of a menace.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Red Sails In The Sunset. Also.

mikey said...

That Percy liked the whole idea of a technology so advanced it could only be countered by retooling with ancient technology.

Kind of did the Frank Herbert thing before Frank did. But without the scary Arab-sounding names...

Sirius Lunacy said...

I wonder if those three submarines will have windows in them that you can open in case you have a fire and need some fresh air?

Sirius Lunacy said...

You can build your crystal ship and fill it with a thousand girls, a thousand thrills. But this will just lead to escalation and before you know it you will need to build larger crystal ships with ten thousand girls, ten thousand thrills and I'd just like to point out that if we must spend trillions more on the defense budget I could get behind this plan.

Substance McGravitas said...

Why not just pave the ocean?

M. Bouffant said...

An ornithopter w/ a guy throwing darts at a zeppelin. Nice work if you can get it.

Paving the ocean: Paint the concrete white, no more global warming.

P.S.: Jefferson Hairpie lyrics? Really?

Smut Clyde said...

I am living in the past, MB, for tax reasons.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Tacks collectors, seize him!
~

Whale Chowder said...

Take a page from the Romney playbook and simply retroactively inhabit the past. See how easy it all becomes?

pete saussy said...

do not forget the Roosevelt plot to rescue the Mennonites from Paraguay during the Chaco war by using the war booty USS Macon and USS Los Angeles to carry Marines.