Saturday, January 26, 2013

Following the silent hedges
Needing some other kind of madness

The rules of Labyrinth Croquet are not really as complicated as people like to pretend.
Yes, the numbered hoops are concealed around the corners of a hedge maze, but their locations are far from random*; instead they are determined by the movements of the Haruspicial Moles.

The winner is the first to reach the Magic Robot at the centre. That's easy enough, innit? Of course Magic Robot carries the Rod of Turn-Missing and must be distracted by the gift of Captcha Numbers for it to juggle while you approach. This is the point where novice players realise that they no longer have the right numbers, having bartered them with the Lotto Fairy in the game's opening 'contract' phase. Or spent them on hiring a 'Croque-monsieur' or caddy to carry the unusually-shaped roquets preferred in the Labyrinth game.

The flaming flying heads emitted by the Pain Elemental can move only as permitted by the solutions of the modular elliptical equations, so you should be able to avoid them as long as you are able to factorise the products of large primes in your head.
Time was when no stately home or Schloss or Château or Spittoon was considered complete without a maze for Labyrinth Croquet somewhere in the grounds.The one at Wilsthorpe was considered particularly fine so it is the Wilsthorpe Maze that Evangeline van Holsterin has reconstructed in the Old Entomologist Garden Bar (aided and encouraged by her vile nephew Throgmorton who swore he could get the shrubbery cheap through his mate at Palmer's garden shop).

Evangeline is keen to revive all the old traditions of the game, including the traditional punishment of 'hooping down' for the last player to complete the sequence. In Friday night's inaugural game this was Greenish Hugh. His protests that he wasn't even playing and had only entered the maze in search of the toilets availed him little.

* This is bad luck if you want to play Labyrinth Croquet but you happen to live in Random.
Belatedly UPDATED. Did someone mention Fiery Heads and Labyrinths?

8 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

as long as you are able to factorise the products of large primes in your head.

Ooooh, tricksy!

;-)

mikey said...

Quite suspiciously, every time I hire a 'Croque-monsieur' it almost immediately disappears...

Substance McGravitas said...

Of course Magic Robot carries the Rod of Turn-Missing and must be distracted by the gift of Captcha Numbers for it to juggle while you approach.

"Off with his head" works too.

wiley said...

Might not be a good idea to play maze croquet with your monkey butler, mikey.

Another Kiwi said...

One feels that one should comment that this post made one laugh so much that coffee came out of one's nose. Disturbingly one was drinking tea at the time.
Well played Sir!

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

The real question is, is the Magic Robot sexy? AFAF... well, not really a friend, but a tenured professor of law at a small public university.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Disturbingly one was drinking tea at the time.

Bravo!

H. Rumbold, Master Barber said...

I happen to have lived in Random.