Monday, April 22, 2013

Trouble brewing


Part of the trouble was that Smut had to go and see his Aunt Griselda up north for a while. The poor dear has gone all Gender Uncertain what with the legalising of gay marriage here and dogs lying down with cats and the like. We have explained to her that it probably won't be all that much of a big deal to her because of she's a 700 year old devil-squid and ate her last 20 mates, but she will not be comforted unless Smut goes up there and takes a case of Old Fergussons Rusty Blade Stout with Prunes for Health.
So he left me and Space-Time Eddie in charge of the mashing of the malt for the Labour Day Big Red Beer. He explained what we had to do with this handy chart:

Which gave Eddie a headache so he ate it. This lead us to "Patrimininous Wilson's Big Book of Beer Making" which we found at the city landfill site once. It's a bit pecked by seagulls but page 7 shows the mashing process in stark yet compelling detail.

Now, Eddie is a not multi-dimensional being who reacts well to cellar pressure, I mean he is a dab hand at "Navigational problems in the higher gravitational vortices in sector 7G" or getting through the Tannhauser gate without paying but when you say, forcefully, "Eddie give me the fecking 3 inch spanner, pronto!" he tends to get all whimpering and hand wringing.
So we were a bit worried when the Riddled Board of Directors and Associated Big Cheeses turned up for the annual tasting of the Wort.  
We all got up in finest company livery and tigris played a selection of showtunes onna lute, which, to be frank, all sounded the same to me, but what do I know. Note the cunningly positioned bacon and eggs on the table and the large ice cream Sundae to take Lord and Lady Riddled's minds off the slightly "toasty" wort."There's only two bits of it" I had said "A and B, how hard can it be?"
Also Greenish Hugh is puffing coffee smells at the Big Wigs from bellows. Lord Riddled is just telling us how he cut Lord Scroop dead in The Strand whilst Smut and I make frantic hand signals to Evangeline van Holsterin's idiot boyfriend behind the curtain to let the hamster go so that Lord R will faint "Cain't abaide hamsters, doncha know" he says.
His Lordship is very interested in putting prunes into our beer but we have explained that there are religious reasons against it. Also Smut said, "these two muppets will turn it into jam".
And I'm just sayin', Beer Jam... For those "difficult" mornings.

SMUTDATE: M. Bouffant in comments is skeptical as to Aunt Griselda's existence forcing me to infringe upon her privacy and bring out the documentary evidence.

16 comments:

OBS said...

It's all fun and games until somebody's mash gets stuck.

Stupid sticky-mash-golems, always causing trouble.

anne said...

tow er of silence part 2, .. more lute

M. Bouffant said...

Has Smut's "aunty" been mentioned before? Too lazy to look, but this all feels very déjà vu.

Another Kiwi said...

I wonder if it impressed my tiny mind?
I on't remember that song but I was a fan of them back in the day.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Do the "Riddled" brewers take requests? I have a hankering for a storm petrel lambic.

Smut Clyde said...

Stormy Petrel onna stick for BBBB!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2NpXSknaVo

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You cant argue with photographic proof, says I.
~

El Manquécito said...

tow er of silence part 2, .. more lute

Sing lauter!

tigris said...

Is anyone surprised these guys are mashers? NO.

OBS said...

Sing lauter!

This comment thread just took a tun for the wort.

Sirius Lunacy said...

I told AK it was a bad idea to use those Australian Kangaroo hops in a New Zealand brew. He just never listens!

anne said...

yes it was the wort mention ,just the word .. that made my mind sway in the wee reading last .. . /aun'y is so lovely / i've been with thoughts of havens all day as i mentioned on seeing last night on blackd's links , , and in some bottom lovely to foot of some.. of marley.. .

Substance McGravitas said...

Is that chart still eaten? Because I thought I saw it somewhere near the top of the post.

Another Kiwi said...

One can still see an after image of the chart but all the writing fell off.

Capcha recommends controlled anylora.

El Manquécito said...

I always wanted to know what muttonbird meant in twitcher language. Sooty shearwaters, that I know and have seen though not roasted.

Here titi ( I spell it tyty) is a deciduous shrub, cliftonia monophylla, which is a prodigious honey producer and the reason for commercial beekeeping in south Georgia (not the island with muttonbirds, the state with muttonheads).

anne said...

el a man , hello, were you over at io z ..as well, i remember your nom from somewhere ? where , said some ' of exacting , thou g' differ ent from 'er unc' roddy pops little not a lot like 'er father ,the true kin g of nor' ,with fro not as grand as 'ers ,at the globe and mail .. . of en'lis'