Saturday, November 15, 2014

Horror House of Hammers

An organised toolkit is crucial, for you never know then you might need to lay your hand on that special utensil for removing boy scouts from a centaur's hoof. Success is so often a matter of finding the right spanner to hammer in a particular screw.


Lesser thinkers might ask, "Is life really any simpler for deriving a consensus tool board that organises tools according to the crowd-sourced conceptual links among them, retrieved from the Collective Unconscience?" Proving that such pundits are not the sharpest hammer in the drawer, nor indeed the heaviest spanner in the sack. Also that they have not tried to find things in the Riddled Research Laboratory after Greenish Hugh and Space-Time Eddie have been "tidying up" on their way home from "Dendrogramma enigmatica -- basal Bilateralia clade, or sister group? and Table-top Golf Night" at the Old Entomologist.
Notice how the semantic sub-domain of garden implements (rake, hoe, shovel) is adjacent to the sub-domain of 'kitchen utensils' (knife, fork, spoon, spatula). It is reassuring to see that the confusion is not limited to Another Kiwi's cookery columns -- not to mention his gardening columns. Suffice to say that Ammophos pellets are not a condiment, AK; nor is Sriracha a fungal disease of chrysanthemums.

Notice also how the gardening implements are diametrically opposite to the cluster of 'tools of literature' (pen, eraser, computer). This will come as a surprise to those of us whose mixed metaphors are "flowers of rhetoric culled from the kitchen-garden.”

10 comments:

Another Kiwi said...

I like the way that the simple townsfolk are looking at the centaur in the smithy. "Oh" they are saying "it is Mr La dee Dah Centaur coming around with his fancy hooves and such." He is the centaur of attention.
The worst bit about Space Time Eddie tidying things up is that he goes all interdimensional and, in this case, we had Table Top Golf sand wedges in the toasted sandwich machine. I think it was supposed to be ironic.

Smut Clyde said...

"Bring on the industrial revolution," they are thinking. "We can replace him with a self-esteem engine!"

Another Kiwi said...

"Then we will forge a new future and the shoe will be on the other foot" they say just before asphyxiation due to laughing too much

tigris said...

Honestly, the sand wedges were tastier than the sea cucumber sandwiches. Why someone thought something named "Donkey Dung" should go in a sandwich is still beyond my ken.

Smut Clyde said...

If your Ken thinks he can do better with the catering then send him around. He cannot do any worse.

H. Rumbold, Master Barber said...

Smithy will be re-employed changing tyres on landing gear and job-titled aircraft farrier. Pilots will just have to fly around the spreading chestnut tree.

Hamish Mack said...

Hah hah you misspelt "sodding" as "spreading". Bleeding chestnut trees getting into the drains! I'm not sure that having jets fly around them would be helpful lessen they were the chemtrail ones.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Notice also how the gardening implements are diametrically opposite to the cluster of 'tools of literature' (pen, eraser, computer). This will come as a surprise to those of us whose mixed metaphors are "flowers of rhetoric culled from the kitchen-garden.”

The distance of the writing implements and the machetes will also come as a surprise to the hack writers.

Anonymous said...

Damn micropower impulse imaging drones... at least, they didn't spot my invisible flywheel puller which looks like screwed up feet.

Smut Clyde said...

Machete, Hachette, easy mistake to make