Bears do not shit in the woods. Bears have never shat in the woods

Right up to 10 days ago the Republican Party's bloggers and ideologues seemed to be a lock for the 2015 IgNobel Prize in Theology, with their critiques of the Pope for propounding an insufficiently authoritarian and indeed borderline-heretical variety of Catholicism. Not to mention the attacks on American Jews for their treasonous disloyalty to one faction of Israeli politics. But suddenly the Chinese Communist Party are looking like strong contenders with their new-found insights and exegeses into the doctrines of Tibetan Buddhism.

The Dalai Lama has mooted the possibility of leaving his next death as his final one, and not returning to the Karmic Wheel for a 15th incarnation. Rolling their eyes in vicarious embarrassment at his ignorance of his religion, Party duckspeakers were obliged to assplain the non-optional nature of reincarnation:

Mr. Zhu accused the Dalai Lama of trampling on sacred traditions.

It was not entirely clear how they intend to drag Tenzin Gyatso back from Nirvana and incarnate him against his will. It may involve यम Death-God's waveguide technology for abstracting an atman psychic soliton resonance from the Bridge of Heaven. Failing that, perhaps the 15th Dalai Lama will be an AI.

Tenzin Gyatso has previously set the fox amid the hen-house by conceding that his next incarnation could be female.