Monday, April 27, 2015

Casting aspersum

A more tasteful blogger observes that
quite why putting protein molecules (which are highly unlikely to be absorbed through your skin) on the dead outer surface of your skin would encourage the cells beneath to spring into activity, is not immediately clear.
Girls -- DO NOT BELIEVE the malarkey that the boys will tell you, whether "it cures acne" or "it embiggens the breasts" or "it improves mood", for they are LYING LIARS.
Her comment arose from the question whether secretions from the humble European garden snail had dermatological applications. An unassuming beast, I had always imagined, but the pulmonate gastropod turns out to operate under multiple names, suggestive of sinister intentions at best, and at worst, of disregard for the conventions of society.

As Cornu aspersum or Cantareus aspersus it keeps a low profile and comes only to the attention of gardeners and Francophone gourmets. We have already met it as Helix aspersa... under that alias, it is the source of a skin cream of Chilean manufacture. UK grifters came across an account of Elicina® as a treatment for burns, which inspired them to slap some snail-related branding on generic soap and generic gel, and to market them for generic skin-bettering purposes -- hoicking their promotional bafflegab from the paper (they mangled the scientific terms in the process, and a top NZ journalist faithfully echoed the misspellings when pimping the product).
Before and After Elicina®
Elicina® does not reduce the Turquoise Eye problem

But wait, there's more! The mystery mollusc uses a fourth alias! When it is Cryptomphalus aspersa, again it provides skin-bettering secretions, but this time with a completely different ingredient list and a different group of grifters. The exact process of extracting slime for Tensage® skin cream is proprietory, though one peddler labours under the impression that they excrete it. The producers have paid for a series of papers supporting their claims for Tensage:
[...] the secretion of the snail Cryptomphalus aspersa (SCA), was discovered by Rafael Abad Iglesias MD, a radiation oncologist treating radiation dermatitis. It was noted that several species of mollusk retract their tentacles when exposed to ultraviolet (UV) light and x-rays.
When the x-ray machine was not in use, Dr Iglesias would occupy his coffee breaks using it to irradiate snails. Everyone has a hobby.

When this defense mechanism was further explored, a biologically active glycosaminoglycan secretion was found to be generated by the snail during times of stress.
Snails stressed by theft of shells
"Times of stress" are the key words here. "I work for the Industrial Farmacéutica Cantabria and I stress snails for a living."

The secretion is composed of a combination of contributions from the snail’s mucous, salivary, and proteic glands. SCA stimulates biochemical, structural, and functional processes and can regenerate damaged structures of the animal’s skin in less than 48 hours.
Therefore it will bestow the same regenerative capacity upon human tissue! Just saying, this is how Cronenberg horror movies start.


It also endows a useful super-power: the ability to walk the razor's edge.


Oh, they're taking its eggs. No wonder the snail is stressed.

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"So Elicina® is good for the treatment of burns?" asked Another Kiwi, trying hard to keep up.

"It reduces keloid formation and promotes the sloughing of eschars," I read from the paper.

"I won't believe it until I see that eschar go," AK skeptically vouchsafed.

12 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

Damnit to hell, when I was about 12 I put a couple of snails in a mayo jar (holes poked in lid for air) & (on a strict diet of iceberg lettuce) they reproduced.

Had I known I could've been a snail-egg magnate!

Yastreblyansky said...

M.B., I understand you are already a snail-egg magnet, isn't that close enough?

Smut, the genus name doesn't really mean they conceal their navels, does it?

JP said...

"Times of stress" are the key words here. "I work for the Industrial Farmacéutica Cantabria and I stress snails for a living."

I know a guy who used to jack off fish for a living. (Salmon, to be specific.) I do not know if the fish found it stressful.

JP said...

As Cornu aspersum or Cantareus aspersus it keeps a low profile and comes only to the attention of gardeners and Francophone gourmets.

Czechs too, at least in Prague. (That's where I tried escargot for the first time.) But then we all know that Praguers are the French of Eastern Europe.

alison said...

I do believe that Another Kiwi wins the internet for today!

Smut Clyde said...

a guy who used to jack off fish for a living

I imagine him whistling "Salmon chanted evening" while at work. Alternatively, "The Last Roes of Summer".

ckc (not kc) said...

I'm disappointed in the lack of interest in crotch kicking contests. Something should be done.

rhwombat said...

Yastreblyansky:

Well, hermaphroditic they may be, but they ain't placentals. Mind you they are Cryptomphalus not Cryptomphalos: take an m and give an l, and I'm sure they will will bear witness to late 17th C nominative prurience.

According to Wikiweedia, phallus is a loanword from Latin phallus, itself borrowed from Greek φαλλός, which is ultimately a derivation from the Proto-Indo-European root *bʰel- "to inflate, swell".

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Seamen singing shanties shirley does something for the mood?
~

mistah charley, ph.d. said...

quite a while ago i saw a picture of a mama snail looking back at a baby snail - very cute - the caption said this was a viviparous hawaiian species

ckc (not kc) said...

....a viviparous hawaiian species

Long form birth certificate available on request.

Smut Clyde said...

very cute - the caption said this was a viviparous hawaiian species

Searching for "viviparous Polynesian tree snails" leads quickly to story after story of human stupidity, ecological catastrophe and "Now believed extinct". NOT RECOMMENDED.