Monday, August 24, 2015

Brew News (from the Zyme Times)

1. An Australian Federal Minister is unclear on the concept of brewing,  and wants to control the sales of Vegemite -- not because it is a substitute for axle grease being marketed as a foodstuff, but because he is under the impression that it can be used to ferment sugars.
Australia's government says some communities should consider limiting the sale of the popular Vegemite spread because it is being used to make alcohol.
It says the yeast-based product is contributing to anti-social behaviour in some remote communities.
Indigenous Affairs Minister Nigel Scullion described the salty spread as a "precursor to misery".
He said it was being bought in bulk to make moonshine.
Brewer's yeast is a key ingredient in the spread and is used in the production of beer and ale.
In communities where alcohol is banned because of addiction problems, Mr Scullion said Vegemite sales should also be restricted.
"Businesses in these communities... have a responsibility to report any purchase that may raise their own suspicions," he said.
The minister added that in some cases, children were failing to turn up to school because they were too hung-over, and that Vegemite was an increasingly common factor in domestic violence cases.
Minister Scullion also believes that a packet of chicken stock can lay eggs. We will not be inviting him over the ditch to visit Riddled Manor as the celebrity Braumeister to preside over production of the next batch of Christmas Ale.

2. In other salty-spread news, a local bar commissioned a batch of novelty beer with stag semen as its distinguishing ingredient, though it is not clear whether they added enough to the boil to make a vas deferens to the flavour. Disappointingly, they did not call it "Bucks Jizz" so I cannot predict whether the gimmick will sucseed. "Buckfast Tonic" or "The Last Roes of Summer" would also have been acceptable.

3. Berlinerweisse appears to be the style of the month among NZ brewers, and was well-represented at the recent beer festival, though not all the adjuncts are entirely canonical.
Just saying, Berlinerweisse requires a side-serving of Currywurst to taste truly authentic, not to mention Herbert Grönemeyer on the jukebox singing "Bochum" or "Alkohol".

4. A nascent style of saline Weizenbier loosely inspired by Gose is also popular with the cool kids:
Someone made a goose-infused beverage but was it a Goose Gose? WAS IT BOGROLL. Reality, be more funny. Memo to self: brew with Chenopodium quinoa flour, call it "Gosefoot".
5. Other novelty beers included a Tiptop Jellytip Iceblock-inspired decoction, which had the potential to become a sad debacle, but the skill of the brewer made it a triumph... the cocoa and vanilla and raspberry tartness all melded in synergistic comity rather than end up shouting at one another. Would drink again. Repeatedly. How come one never hears of a diumph, or a tetraumph? It is a mystery.
Pushing Envelope Girl is not advisable
At Riddled we eschew these post-modern attempts to push the envelope and transgress the Rheinheitsgebot in as many ways as possible; we stick to the fine old time-honoured tradition of enhancing the grist with hum'rously-shaped vegetables. And if the vegetables have been irradiated in the Evolvamat beforehand to awaken their Silent Genes, that is all valid tactics within competitive novelty brewing.

I did not try the Marmite-on-Toast beer but someone needs to send a bottle to Federal Minister Scullion.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I can believe all these beverages will boost a huge body.

rhwombat said...

Oi K1W1s! Please stop kicking our Strayan Cockies - we haven't finished eviscerating them yet. We will consider trading Prime Mustelid Toady Rabbott for ex-President Shrub following Piggie Muldoon's maxim of improving the average IQ of both countries.

As for vegemite beer: vegemite was was actually just a joke that went too far. The cunning brewers involved reasoned that adding salt to beer lees, then marketing the product to pissed punters (you don't buy beer, you rent it) was a perfect pitch. Being Strayans, we fell for it, and the rest is the National Stain (...well one of them - the quoted Minister for Indigenous Affairs (!), Nigel (!) Scullion (!) is responsible for one of the others).

Bushwalker's beer is another matter: 10ml absolute ethanol (carried in) + 50mls water (sourced from local billabong. NB: remove dead swagman before adding) + 2-5 mg vegemite (to lack of taste) en voila! Tastes just like Fosters - but improves after the third round due to surrender of tastebuds.

OBS said...

Memo to self: brew with Chenopodium quinoa flour, call it "Gosefoot".

Why not use a raw goose-leg and call it "Goseflesh"? Or tears from an angst-and-acne-ridden teen goose and call it "Gosepimples"?

Smut Clyde said...

The minister added that [...] Vegemite was an increasingly common factor in domestic violence cases.

If only the manufacturers would package it in softer plastic contains, it would do less damage when used as a weapon.

rhwombat said...

Um. they do market the stuff in toothpaste tubes here in Oz (though not in "controlled areas"). I believe its availability is subject to the Biological Weapons Convention.

tigris said...

You could brew it with a gander, I hear it's good for the Gose.

Also, is the minister aware you can use bread yeast to produce alcohol? Actually, you can use just a sugar source, wild yeast naturally present in the air will take care of the rest. To be safe, perhaps he should just ban everything.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Is anybody brewing a "mandrake purity of essence" beer?

Memo to self: knotweed weissebier...

Smut Clyde said...

Shirley you mean "knotweed saison".

H. Rumbold, Master Barber said...

And in today's wombat dating news...

rhwombat said...

Humph. I've never heard myself SNAW.