Monday, February 8, 2010

Usual suspects

Now we'd like you to look at some pictures. Take your time, ma'am, don't hurry. Think carefully. Do any of these look like the whale who exposed himself to you on the beach?
Ummm...
How about this one?
That's him! I'd recognise that disgusting lolling tongue anywhere!

It is not clear whether Matthäus Merian d.J. went out of his way and only drew beached whales* if they were male and excited, or whether he wore clothes that were designed to get them all hot and bothered.

* Or plagiarised them shamelessly from earlier etchings by Saenredam, Matham (1602) and Matham (1598).

UPDATE -- Bonus beached whales with erections.
I've added a link to another etching by Matham, who seems to have made this genre his specialty, just as other Lowlands artists focused on tavern scenes or pastures full of sheep. The 1598 image is large but it has everything: one dude standing on the dick, another measuring it with a pocket slapstick or whatever, what appears to be a Plains Indian encampment in the background, and busy workmen carrying away the whale's blood in buckets, presumably in an attempt to make the world's largest black pudding, not realising that the Guinness Book of Records is not yet in production.

44 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Novelty teapots, ehh.

I see what you did there, and I wonder if the authorities will be amused.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

This was like a Derringer then:

Young brandishes walrus penis bone in Congress

Rep. Young relies upon many tools at his disposal while carrying out his duties as U.S. Congressman — including the penis bone of a walrus.

During a debate on the right of native Alaskans to sell the sex organs of endangered animals as aphrodisiacs, Young whipped out an oosik, the eighteen-inch penis bone of a walrus, and brandished it like a sword on the House floor.

In a separate incident, Young waved an 18-inch oosik– the penis bone of the walrus– at Mollie Beattie, director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Beattie had suggested that Alaskan Natives should be able to sell oosiks only as handicrafts, not uncarved, a proposal Young derided. The incident was especially embarrassing because Beattie is the first woman to head the Service, and the hearing marked her debut on the Hill.

mikey said...

Yeah, like waving somebody ELSE'S dick around is gonna keep you out of trouble.

Trust me, dick waving is almost ALWAYS misinterpreted. And don't even try to go with philosophy. They'll kick your ass, heal you up just so they can kick your ass again.

Just sayin...

Smut Clyde said...

I hope everyone has noticed that this time I'm not the one talking about penis bones and dingo's dicks.

Substance McGravitas said...

[sign]0 DAYS WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT ANIMAL PENISES[/sign]

Smut Clyde said...

I trust that S.McG has cross-posted his workplace-improving suggestion to the US House of Representatives.

Substance McGravitas said...

I swear there was another guy back in the Reagan or Bush administrations that'd keep some animal penis around...can't remember his name...

Substance McGravitas said...

Oh! Remembered!

Penis McDickington.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

always a good time to post this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_t44siFyb4

Smut Clyde said...

another guy back in the Reagan or Bush administrations that'd keep some animal penis around

If you mean "keeping GWB happily occupied", wasn't that part of Cheney's job?

Another Kiwi said...

These are not the marine worms I was looking for

Smut Clyde said...

One thing does stand out (so to speak) from this whole graphic tradition... whenever a whale washed up on a beach anywhere around the North Sea from the Netherlands to Denmark, it was an occasion for a BIG FECKIN' PARTY. Obviously some of those people have been paid by the engraver to stand there and provide a sense of scale, but the others are just there selling one another sausages-in-a-bun.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Of course it's a party. not only is it a whole winter's worth of food and heating oil, but hey! Huge PENIS!!

Smut Clyde said...

And then the local authorities decide to dispose of the rotting carcass by blowing it off the beach with 200 kegs of dynamite! Hilarity is certain to ensue!

fish said...

but the others are just there selling one another sausages-in-a-bun

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

fish said...

These are obviously crime scenes. Most of these whales have been seen hanging around (heh) with David Carradine experimenting with erotic asphyxiation. One wonders who was responsible for the rapid dismantling and hiding of the massive temporary scaffolding required to heft a whale into the air by its neck.

mikey said...

Seems to me they should be a WHOLE lot more concerned about the fact that all the boats have been sunk and there are vast formations of fighter planes going feet dry overhead.

They seem to be avoiding the elephant - er - the whale in the room...

Smut Clyde said...

I am sticking with my provocatively-dressed artist theory, on account of the long submersion time required to asphyxiate a whale.

If you want to Google "whale suit sex video", you'll have to do that on your own. I will not be a party to it.

Another Kiwi said...

The update Beaching party photo has an interesting footnote of history as the men on horseback (bottom left) confront a wandering group of zombies who have been caught in the act of "converting" the leviathan. Of course there is the problem, which has been alluded to by others, that Whales drown on land. Thus the Zombie Whale faction was very small indeed.

tigris said...

I know they're mammals, but it just doesn't seem right to call folks who wear whale costumes "furries."

Substance McGravitas said...

"Blubbers" didn't work.

Another Kiwi said...

'Flippers' is disrespectful

Substance McGravitas said...

Leviathings?

Substance McGravitas said...

We call out to the beasts of the sea to come forth and join us, this night is yours
Because, one day we will all be with you in the black and deep
One day we will all go into the water

Go into the water
Live there die there
Live there die

We reject our earthly fires
Gone are days of land empires
Lungs transform to take in water
Cloaked in scales we swim and swim home

Smut Clyde said...

We are little children of the sea
Polliwogs and golden fish are we
We could never frighten anyone
We're too busy swimming in the sun

fish said...

Surprisingly when I googled "mammoth penis" it did not result in many etchings of dead mammoths.

mikey said...

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
And they swam and they swam all over the dam

Substance McGravitas said...

Bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed
Bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed
Blood Ocean

Bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed
Bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed
Blood Ocean

Smut Clyde said...

Substance McGravitas is scaring me.

Another Kiwi said...

Oh! I do like to be beside the seaside
I do like to be beside the sea!
I do like to stroll upon the Prom, Prom, Prom!
Where the brass bands play: "Tiddely-om-pom-pom!"

tigris said...

Oh I wish I were fishy in the sea
Oh I wish I were fishy in the sea
I'd swim nudey nudey nudey
without any bathing suity
Oh I wish I were fishy in the sea

Unfortunately I couldn't find Dethkloek's definitive version on the youtube.

Substance McGravitas said...

Awful close.

Underwater friends
You are my underwater underwater friends

Yeah, you're my best friends
now let's all cheer
YOU GOTTA COME DOWN HERE
ONCE A YEAR!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I am beached
Lost to nothing
Warm weather and
Penis Holocaust

Left to die by Carradine
Abandoned me and put to sleep
Left to die by two good friends
Tears of god flow as I bleed

So ladies fish and gentlemen
Here's my angled dream
See me in the blue sky bag
And meet me by the sea

Whaler boys are
Swimming for me now
Save me from the
Death-like creatures


that took surprisingly little alteration. Sandy Pearlman is a whaler?

Smut Clyde said...

** Curling clap **

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I just realized that should have been foreskin Holocaust

Another Kiwi said...

*Curling nod of head*

mikey said...

Curling lustful consumption of cheap beer.

Very well paleids ser.

Mother fcuker.

Gdaomammt==st

Feck

Substance McGravitas said...

Curling
Takes me away
To where I've always heard it could be
Just a broom and the ice to carry me
And soon I will be free

Another Kiwi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Another Kiwi said...

We are brooming, We are brooming
Cross the ice rink, in funny shoes
We are brooming for the big stones
To get nearer, for the gold.

Substance McGravitas said...

Curling rocks and curling rinks
Curling endless
Curling rocks and curling rinks
Curling endless

Elegance and decadence
Curling endless
Elegance and decadence
Curling endless

Smut Clyde said...

LEAVE KRAFTWERK ALONE!!!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

LEAVE KRAFTWERK ALONE!!!

doesn't count if you don't make a teary video for it, Smut.

M. Bouffant said...

Several Days Later:

You gentlemen tired of your new toy already?