Thursday, June 2, 2011

I've seen too much, wipe away my eyes

Mere teething troubles
Attempts to perfect the Riddled Evolvamat fell into a Beyoncé abeyance for a while.* This was after the embarrassing but purely mechanical problem with the gear stick that put Old Jem into reverse and regressed him to a pre-Cro Magnon level of development, the difference being noticed by several of his closest associates. Not to mention the time Another Kiwi tried to conquer the world with his huge brain and his brainwashed Treen armies after an accident with the cruise control.** Mere teething troubles!

However, the decision on the part of the World Health Organisation to place cellphones on the list of possible carcinogens to be treated with caution has inspired us afresh. "Well," we thought, beckoning to mikey's monkey butler for another round of cactustinis, "if microwaves can somehow target enough energy to the brain to flip molecules and disrupt DNA expression, then Hello new sensory organ!"

I am vague on the details of how the pineal gland is supposed to evolve into an image-forming microwave eye, or indeed how the focussing mechanism is supposed to work, though it may well involve a Fresnel zone plate on the forehead. Fortunately that is Evolution's job; now that the environment is rich with structured information at centimetre wavelengths, I am confident that Evolution will take advantage thereof, given a few million years, or 30 minutes in the Evolvamat.

There are great darknesses. Farther than time itself. And beyond the darkness... a light that glows, changes... and in the center of the universe... the eye that sees us all.
Second experimental subject Greenish Hugh was enticed into the apparatus with the promise of the mock-truffle lunchtime special from Mrs Miggins' Pie Cart. It transpired, however, that some of the settings must have been bumped during attempts to secure Mrs Cat within the apparatus as the first experimental subject, or the subsequent search for the first-aid kit.

The worst part of his current condition is his annoying habit of perching on shoulders and repeating the two words left in his vocabulary, "Don't go! Don't go!"

* A beyance is that narrow space between the couch and the wall where all the cat toys get stuck, and you have to shift all the furniture to retrieve them.

** Just saying, do not put your foot down on the oscillator pedal.

UPDATED with bonus picture of Riddled two-seater Evolvamat.
We should probably upgrade to the model with the Faraday cage to keep the orbs away.


fish said...

The O'Reilly cover made me LOL

Substance McGravitas said...

Look out for that pineal gland.

mikey said...

It's moments like this I really regret never giving my casually - dressed monkey butler a name.

For it is now that I would lean forward and call out to him, for there can be no doubt that Dirk Nowitski needs him ever so much more than Smut and the Kiwis..

Smut Clyde said...

Look out for that pineal gland.

I did watch "From Beyond" a year or two ago, and enjoyed it, but can't remember it in scene-by-scene detail. Alcohol may be responsible for this.
Not 'Reanimator' but still good.

ckc (not kc) said...

structured information is overrated ("over-rated"?, WhoTF knows?) - stick with Fox

wv doness, very close to doneness, which is a good thing.

exford legs said...

Hilarious, Smut.