Thursday, October 1, 2015

Humans in surgical gloves

Oh hai there MedCrave Online Journal publishing group. It is fantastic to find a publishing outlet with such a clear focus on covering Medical Cravings... Munchausen Syndrome, factitious disorders and operation collecting. I told everyone that the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry was the wrong place for an article on surgical addiction, too general in its scope, but no-one listens to Uncle Smut.
Now at last I have an apposite target journal for my manuscript on "Mr Treevly's Transgressions in Flash & Filigree"!

WHOOPS no, here is Jeffrey Beall docsplaining that MedCrave is just another CamelCase stable of mockademic pukefunnels, a CV-padding service that feeds off academic corruption in the manner of Osedax mucifloris the bone-eating snotworm... nominally registered at a exurban bungalow in Oklahoma, but in practice operating out of a boiler-room in Hyderabad. Imagine my disappoint.

At this point the narrative falls under the influence of Narrativium. For another aspect of Surgical Addiction is best illustrated by the egregious Christopher Duntsch. Dr Duntsch appears to have modelled his career on that of Dr Benway*; he managed to kill or cripple so many of his neurosurgery patients that onlookers came to believe that run-of-the-mill incompetent malpractice was not an adequate explanation, and that he must have been cutting all those nerves and arteries on purpose (Duntsch was free to move from hospital to hospital to gratify his compulsions, as it was not the role of the Texas Medical Board to interfere with his occupation as long as it remained profitable). And drawn by the siren song of the name "MedCrave", like Mothra to a lighthouse, we find him on the editorial board of one of their jizzmop journals.

See if you can guess which passage was written by William Burroughs, and which by a Texan journalist!
The surgery had gone so badly, Kirby later wrote to the Medical Board, that the rest of the OR team had to physically restrain *** from continuing.
"Spot of bother there. Scalpel fight with a colleague in the operating room. And my baboon assistant leaped on the patient and tore him to pieces. Baboons always attack the weakest party in an altercation. Quite right too. We must never forget our glorious simian heritage. Doc Brubeck was a party inna second part. A retired abortionist and junk pusher (he was a veterinarian, actually) recalled to service during the manpower shortage. Well Doc had been in the hospital kitchen all morning goosing the nurses and tanking up on coal gas and Klim - and just before the operation he sneaked a double shot of nutmeg to nerve himself up."
While doing a cervical fusion on a woman named Floella Brown, *** “removed a bone from an area that was not required by any clinical or anatomical standards, resulting in injury to the vertebral artery”.
Now, boys, you won’t see this operation performed very often and there’s a reason for that…. You see it has absolutely no medical value. No one knows what the purpose of it originally was or if it had a purpose at all. Personally I think it was a pure artistic creation from the beginning.
The surgeon, who agreed to speak to The News only if his name was not revealed, said he then grabbed ***’s instruments to stop him from operating. “I said, ‘We’ve got a lot of blood loss, and you can’t see what you’re doing.’”
Christopher Duntsch finally came to the attention of the Texas legal system on April 8 when he was arrested for stealing a pair of pants from Wal-Mart; and since he was in custody already, authorities seized the opportunity to charge him with aggravated assault.

This was too much for the MedCrave scammers who stripped him of his editorial glory. They may be a cabal of fake-journal shitweasels but they still have higher standards and faster actions than the Texas Medical Board.

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