Tuesday, November 17, 2015

1 0 minutes since most recent birth of potential customer

Here at Riddled we take our obligation seriously to bring you the finest artisanal stupidity, still dewy and fresh-picked from the Stupid Trees. With that in mind, behold the glory that is Remote Radionic Diagnostics for Business:

With our Quantum-response technology, we solve your private and business problems

To evaluate your business, we do not use questionnaires or personnel interviews or disturb your activities when checking the paperwork and visiting different departments. To perform our estimations, we use "blueprints" of your business, which can be pictures of your facility, business cards, brochures, logos, signatures or handwritten texts. These are unique to your company or a person, and it works like a cell number that will always call you independently, wherever you are located; somebody dials the number, the ring in the form of electromagnetic waves propagates between you and the caller and you pick up the call.

These blueprints are then analysed with our quantum-response hardware and software, which offsets the collected information against that already in the software-recorded data. This information is displayed as a score (value from +10-0-10) versus a level number (1-12). The score is negative when there is a problem and positive when there is a positive feature; but a storehouse with +10 also means that it is overfilled, and this might be critical, because products were not sold on time and accumulated in the warehouse

The level numbers are related to the types of causes: a level of 1-3 means an organic, present, acute problem. Levels 4-6 are causal levels, which mean that they are not manifested yet, but the causes' matrix or the scaffold already exists; soon, these problems will become a reality. Levels 7-9 are mostly people-psychology-related; the cumulated energetic and psychological level is on the brink of a problem for the company. Finally, levels 10-12 are structural, inherited problems, such as the business being a wrong choice, the ownership or management not acting in the best interests of the company, market is down, or location is not appropriate.

This is all my bum to do with bringing String Theory Psychology and Informational Quantum Physics into business consultancy, as is explained in an Ax-scented haze of bafflegab on the Consultionic front page. Along with a bogus motivational quote that appears to have been copied from Celestial Seasonings packaging. Nor should the Terms of Use be forgotten, requiring 297 words of appropriated but inappropriate boilerplate when four words would have made the same point, "For Entertainment Purposes Only". I have no idea why one would want to plate a boiler, or what materials to use, but fortunately there are people who make this their field of expertise.
The only way this could be possibly be improved is by complementing each diagnosis of corporate malaise with an offer of homeopathic treatment, or perhaps a course of electrochromatic acupuncture, shining coloured lasers at the meridians of the organisational chart.

Laser acupuncture: Blofeld expects Bond to re-
cover from his diabetes and chronic Lyme disease
The people behind Consultionic also run Lyra Nara, which sells [inter alia] Quantum Radionic Vibrational-Frequency diagnoses for human dis-ease, across the Interlattice (physical proximity not required because Quantum Entanglement). Cleverly they saw how to apply the same general principles in a different way of curing the widespread problem of bloated-wallet syndrome. We are sure that they appreciate the salutary nature of insights from outside consultants, and that they have received our advice, by way of Quantum Entanglement, saving us the bother of sending it. The bill will follow via more traditional channels of communication.

In other activities, Christine Siepe and Alexandru Ilie were previously leveraging the synergies and innovating the paradigms with disruptive technology at the Gesi Optics photonics company. But now this is happening:
Status of Annual Filings
  1. 2015 - Overdue
  2. 2014 - Overdue
Active - Dissolution Pending (Non-compliance)
If only a Business Consultancy had scanned the frequencies of Siepe's business card and advised her to fulfill her fiduciary paperwork, the company would still be fine!
Not one, but three Franz Kahn images of
remote diagnosis, such is our generosity


rhwombat said...

I note the illustrations demonstrating the widespread and common usage of telemedicine in the 1930's. Having done a bit of this (including some time trying to slay the jabberwock of Chronic Lyme Disease in Oz), can I say how realistic this looks - right down to the fag hanging from the bottom lip of the first cyberphysician.

Smut Clyde said...

The last cyberphysician illustration is from 1939, but the two above are 1925 and 1924.
Must not forget Hugo Gernsback's version from 1924.

In fact there's a whole genre of covers from Gernsback's "Radio Times" covers -- "Ham enthusiast in 3/4 view from behind, staring at box of dials". Someone should put them all together in an animated GIF.