Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Persecution and Assassination of Antonin Scalia as Performed by the Ninja Monks of the Ghibelline Abbey of Marfa Under the Direction of Peter Greenaway and the scriptwriters of 'Hannibal'

Here at the Riddled Research Institute and Liquorice All-Sorts Abuse Hotline, we have been apprised of reactions to the recent demise of an American jurist and reminder of Reaganite criminality.

(a) Literal hagiography, with calls for his immediate beatification and sanctification by the Catholic Church, in honour of his yeoman work in smuggling theocratic tenets into the US legislative framework. This strikes me as a case of Saying the Quiet Part Loud. It is not immediately clear which organs of Saint Scalia should be harvested as Holy Relics to memorialise his martyrdom but I am guessing "liver and stomach". Heaven knows how the usual suspects are going to top that when it's Dick Cheney's turn to shuffle off his mortal coil (or to remove it in a prolonged ecdysiatic bunp-and-grind routine as the case may be).
Mortal coil (pre-shuffling)

(b) Assertions that the death could not have been natural. Because obese cigar-smoking octogenarians never die naturally after a hard day of slaughtering small birds for entertainment. More importantly, there is not enough drama on the Interlattice, and the Paranoid Tendentists* are bored already with the "Dead Alt-Med Quacks were bumped off by Pharma wet teams" routine.

Once again, Life -- and the imaginations of the conspiracy theorists -- fails to meet the promise of Jacobean Revenge Tragedy, leaving Pupienus Imperator, OBS and others struggling to invent their own suitably grotesque, obscene methods of execution. Contrary to certain lurid allegations, the Riddled time-machine was in no way involved in Justice Scalia's demise. We are not allowed to drop the time machine onto people from a height**; this was covered in the Ethics Training. More decisively, the on-board chrononautical guidance computer never misses an opportunity to go all "I can't let you do that, Dave".

Scalia's family asked for no autopsy, but it's never too late for Jeb Bush to over-rule their preferences.
Perhaps Dr Frist will weigh in with a tele-diagnosis.
Gom jabbar poison not ruled out 

* That is so totally a word, Spellcheck.

** Not unless there are ruby slippers involved, and a gathering of Munchkins poised to burst into song, in accordance with the narrative conventions.
UPDATED with Bonus Cadaver Synod for J- in comments:


J— said...

Perhaps Dr Frist will weigh in with a tele-diagnosis.

Hopefully the hunting lodge security cameras caught his final corporal twitches. With Frist's guidance the Senate Judiciary Committee could for the coming 11 months assume the responsibility of drawing from them Scalia's legal opinions.

Tim said...

The pillow over his face may have been his own attempt to block out the ubiquitous high pressure sodium lawn light which has been lightly linked to manboob cancer and obesity.


OBS said...

Contrary to certain lurid allegations, the Riddled time-machine was in no way involved in Justice Scalia's demise.

Sure, sure. Mmhmm.

J— said...

UPDATED with Bonus Cadaver Synod


The Ghost of Goldwater whispers in Mitch McConnell's ear: "Necromancy in pursuit of obstruction is a virtue."

rhwombat said...

I's jes' know Obammy's Super Sekrit Heart Attack Gun ain't gonna work on ol' Brer Cheney's ticker...'coz it ain't his heart no more.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Leave the pillow, take the cannoli.

Pupienus Maximus said...

Contrary to certain lurid allegations, the Riddled time-machine was in no way involved in Justice Scalia's demise.

You would say that, of course. But I know what I've seen on my finally completed and fully functional interocitor.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Maybe the Pope can canonize Scalia as the patron saint of cazz' in cul'.

J— said...

The plot thickens.

Smut Clyde said...

the motto “Deum Diligite Animalia Diligentes,” which means “Honoring God by honoring His creatures,”
...by shooting them. Does this work as a way of honouring the human race? AFAF.

J— said...

“Honoring God by honoring His creatures,”

Tying in with the mosquito thread:

Hank (Graham Chapman): Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like. Goodday Roy.