Monday, January 14, 2019

Goats, goats, got no goats
And stitches don't help at all

New Zealanders are no longer passive consumers of other countries' news. Lately they have been producing all the best news themselves!

1. At the end of last year, a Scary Sea Alien found on Rakaia Huts beach appeared in headlines around the world UK tabloids, although many of them were along the lines of 'HA HA HA just look at these numpties'.

Alas, panic sparked = 0. No actual human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, or even mass hysteria. Great was the disappoint.

Goat being stressed
2. Alternative title:
Left to die by two good friends
Tears of god flow as I bleed

Then there was the goatcitement of the tug-of-love over Zeus. Zeus the poorly goat was either abducted from a loving owner's life-style block, or rescued by a passer-by, concerned by his moribund condition and apparent abandonment, who had not considered the possibility that he was being stressed to increase his rate of Vitamin-C secretion. NZ media woefully neglected the opportunity for "kidnapped" jokes. After nursing him back from moribundance, Zeus' rescuer relinquished him to the SPCA. When last heard of, she was locked in debate with the loving owner as to whose moral claim to his custody was greater.

The dispute calls out for a Solomonic judgement. Ideally ending in goat curry.

3. Invasive wallabies. Feckin wallabies should just feck right off and feck back to where they feckin came from.

4. A large bronze gnome was stolen from outside an Auckland art gallery, in a daring Christmas-eve-midnight heist that was noticed and reported to police three weeks later. The artist, Gregor Kregar (friend of Riddled), is reportedly feeling gnomesick. Police are describing the actions of the visibility-vested robbers as 'brazen'.

Anyone seeing a two-metre bronze gnome posing for photographs to be posted home from tourist attractions and landmarks around Europe should contact the New Zealand authorities.

1 comment:

Smut Clyde said...

Good news, the stolen gnome has been returned!

"Salvation Army worker Neil Arnold told the Herald a giant gnome was the last thing he thought he'd find on his way to work."