Thursday, November 26, 2009

Vikings: concerned about obesity

Eirik's Saga
Thorvald, Eirik the Red’s son, was sitting at the helm. The uniped shot an arrow into his groin. Thorvald pulled out the arrow and said, “This is a rich country we have found; there is plenty of fat around my entrails." Soon afterwards he died of the wound.* [h/t BBBB]

Saga of Olaf Haraldson:
Then Þormóðr took the tongs, and pulled the [arrow] out; but on the iron there was a hook, at which there hung some morsels of flesh from the heart, — some white, some red. When he saw that, he said, “The king has fed us well. I am fat, even at the heart-roots;” and so saying he leant back, and was dead.

Doctors no longer recommend the arrowhead method of adiposity self-examination.
-----------------------------------
BONUS ARROWHEADS: Buddha gets into the act.
But the man refuses to let the doctor do anything before certain questions can be answered. The wounded man demands to know who shot the arrow, what his caste and job is, and why he shot him. He wants to know what kind of bow the man used and how he acquired the ingredients used in preparing the poison. Malunkyaputta, such a man will die before getting the answers to his questions. It is no different for one who follows the Buddha Diet. Remember, brethren, Better Health through Mindful Eating! But avoid the mushrooms!

* In the next exciting episode of Eirik's Saga, Bjarni Grimsolfsson dies along with half his crew when the wood of their ship is riddled with "shell-maggots". See how the Sagas have retained their relevance for contemporary bloggers.

18 comments:

Substance McGravitas said...

Well look, you are what you eat, so clearly these gentlemen should have quickly eaten a person who was not shot with an arrow.

Smut Clyde said...

I am not a large blood pudding.

Smut Clyde said...

The preceding sentences of Olaf's Saga has a healer-woman boiling up leeks and herbs in a stone pot and offering the broth to Þormóðr, but he turns down the offer, for he has read Hannibal and he knows that it is more for her sake than for his.

Substance McGravitas said...

I am not a large blood pudding.

On the internet nobody knows you've just eaten a dog.

Another Kiwi said...

I see, The marine worms are getting the blame again, "shell maggots' indeed!
Looks to me that the Vikings method of biopsy needed some work, but was headed in the right direction.

mikey said...

In my experience, there is a very limited variety of stuff that comes out of people once you effectively violate their structural integrity.

A slightly differentiated brownish grey collection of quivering, glistening offal, smelling of death, corruption and old, musty leather.

More fascinating, to me at least as I had no opportunity to experience it firsthand, is the idea that if it's cold it would steam for a while. That might be somewhat interesting...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Honey, does this arrow make me look fat?

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Now, I'm not saying Thorvald's fat, but when they carved the blood eagle in him, they carved a Haast's Eagle.

merc said...

Ah he died needlessly for all know that the arrow never reaches it's target.

volab; where they maunfacture vo's.

merc said...

maunfacture, a deer mother.

slyfi, why do I keep getting sly?

Another Kiwi said...

Haast eagle reference, eh?
Smut, what is the uniped that shot the fat measurement device? Sounds a bit like the ruum

Smut Clyde said...

I don't have any details about unipeds, for They came for them first, and I did not speak out, for I was not a uniped.

Another Kiwi said...

It was not a tiny Italian motorscooter?
"Hey Marco, let us go and shoot arrows into the fat vikings from the back of our unipeds"

merc said...

They were the unipeds that cannot be spoken of.
acathe, thus spake acathe (the aca).

Another Kiwi said...

Merc, that palindrome is a little lacking in something.

"When the vice presidential candidate talked, it was in Palindrones"

merc said...

Ah see! My arrow hath not hit it's target and forsooth I am shamed.

subbu, an underling cry baby.

Smut Clyde said...

It was not a tiny Italian motorscooter?
Motorised unicycles.
Even in viking days, America was inhabited by psychopathic clowns.

merc said...

It is true for I have seen them in their diamond diamonte suits coming over all Harlequin and sayin' this dream will come true for all you people too.

dymoton, a mechanical daemon.