Sunday, January 17, 2010

Except in NZ where we're more worried about wetas

If artists are the canaries in the coal mine of contemporary culture, one of the neuroses permeating the end of the 20th century is evidently an deep-seated anxiety that birds will start nesting in our shoes (or hatching out of them).

What I want to know is, who are these irresponsible people who are sending the canaries down into mine-shafts in the first place? It's as bad as flushing a pet alligator down the toilet when you get bored with it. The damn things could be breeding down there, their numbers growing with every generation, and one day they'll find their way back to the surface, when huge flocks of canaries will scour the earth in search of revenge, blocking out the sun with their numbers and their coal-blackened wings.

Don't start me on that business of slowly warming frogs in a pan of water to see if they notice when it's boiling. The human race will have enough problems later this century what with climate change and rising sea levels; the last thing we need is amphibian competitors who've evolved a resistance to heat.

And if you people would only stop throwing the baby out with the bathwater, then we wouldn't have this problem with the feral babies.

Bonus Ricky Swallow watercolour here.

19 comments:

ckc (not kc) said...

OT, but... comments?

Geoffrey Botkin is a Christian leader and mentor to pastors in New Zealand, a nation that holds promise for the reformation of Christian civilization

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

The damn things could be breeding down there, their numbers growing with every generation, and one day they'll find their way back to the surface, when huge flocks of canaries

shamelessly stolen from Monty Python. I call Shenanigans!

ckc (not kc) said...

...what about throwing the baby canaries into the mine with the bathwater? Just a thought.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Don't worry about ZRM, he's banned.
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I'm in a band?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

thunder is bitter.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Thunder does not have to go to work tomorrow, thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King.

So my bitterness is temporarily ameliorated.
~

mikey said...

mikey does not have to go to work tomorrow either, thanks to massive unemployment and the dearth of capacity utilization in storage technology development and manufacturing. Although Dr. King can't hurt, all things being equal (now THAT'S fucking Meta!).

My neighbor fucked up the gas lines with his cheesy heater replacement project, and the PG&E dood that went around and re-lit the pilots after my neighbors handyman failed to blow us all to hell discovered that my water heater was installed out of spec, and out of code.

Now mind you, this must have occured before humans walked upright, but nonetheless they determined that they had to shut down my water heater ('Cap it off', they said repeatedly, in their best House impression).

Waitafuckinsecondhere, dogfucker. I'd really, REALLY like to maybe expect to take a freakin SHOWER some time tomorrow, Martin Luther King or No Martin Luther King. Goddam it.

Surprisingly (or perhaps not if you consider standing in MY dining room in front of my display of combat knives telling me you're gonna shut off MY hot water) the gentlemen acquiesced to my demands for enough time to FIX the fucking thing I didn't install WORNG in the first fucking place that had been there since the Chicxulub event at LEAST, and I have ONE goddam WEEK to get the stoopid thing brought up to code or they're gonna make me live like a neanderthal, without the sex.

Bastards.

I'm sorry. Birds and shoes? I got nothing...

ckc (not kc) said...

...like a neanderthal, without the sex...

So, you'll post your poetic output here, I hope.

Smut Clyde said...

I call Shenanigans!

Is that your dog?

Sebastia said...

Are canaries being fitted with shoe payloads so that they may upturn the soles on visiting dignitaries in the mode of an Islamic insult? I will be watching for large flocks of shoe bearing canaries near the Prince William tour party on Kapiti Island today.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Look, a four ounce bird cannot possibly carry a one pound shoe.

Smut Clyde said...

An African canary maybe, but not a European canary.

ckc (not kc) said...

a baby African canary, carrying a "sweatshop-free" lightweight shoe sprinkled with recycled bathwater into an abandoned mine/education centre.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

not if mikey is carrying his 'specially modified' crossbow.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

mikey acts like he is not acquainted with cold showers.

fish said...

How on earth are you going to mine canaries if you don't seed the mine?

mikey said...

You MINE them?

Ahhh. That explains it.

Last spring I planted four canary bushes and got NUTHIN'....

tigris said...

So, are these fucking hot water heaters included in the energy efficiency tax rebate program? I'm asking for Smut.