Tuesday, February 2, 2010

And the horse you rode on

In the trial of Continental Airlines and two of its technical staff in a French courtroom, for the destruction of an Air France Concorde airliner nearly 10 years ago, best-selling novelist Stephen King was today arraigned as a co-defendant. This unexpected development came after the Continental Airlines lawyer announced an intention of vigorously defending the manslaughter charges.
"Yes," he informed the court, "Negligence on the part of our maintenance crew did cause a large but fortunately unnecessary piece of metal to fall off a Continental DC-10 and lie on the runway, where it destroyed the Concorde's tyre ten minutes later -- which would have ruptured the Concorde's fuel tank and caused it to burst into flames and crash, killing 113 people -- except for the amazing coincidence that it was on fire already!"

Presiding judge Dominique Andreassier lost patience at that point, blamed "bestselling blockbuster novels from English-speaking authors" for the growing acceptance of ridiculous coincidences in a plot if they advance the narrative, and broadened the indictment to include Stephen King. She explained to reporters outside the court that she would have arraigned other authors as well but she could not remember any names.

The French laws on "culpable misuse of literary devices" are draconic albeit obscure, having changed little since the Napoleonic code. They allow for a range of penalties if King is found guilty, ranging up to "Execution by being bricked up alive while mounted on horseback".

UPDATE: Bonus equine misbehaviour

I have mixed feelings about the execution of the horse. It had been sentenced to death already for throwing its rider to the ground and trampling her.

But there are extenuating circumstances, for she had tried to make it read a book on analytic geometry, and everyone knows that you should not put Descartes before the horse.

Also notice on the ground, behind the horse. What else is she doing wrong? Someone? Anyone?
Yes, you at the back -- Plectrum.
That's right. Well done Plectrum. The carrot goes in front.

16 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I could have sworn this was an illustration of Zane Gray's "reimaging" of The Cask of Amontillado as an oater.

Smut Clyde said...

You found the pop-up title then?

mikey said...

Clearly a miscarriage of justice. That is unquestionable self defense on the part of the horse. First, the woman is dying, and she's STILL throwing gang signs. Hard core banger, no one to fuck around with. Second, look at this case of halitosis. She musta been sitting around since tuesday smoking rock, drinking day old coffee, smoking unfiltered Camels and eating burgers with onions. Yeeessshhh. Verily, her breath has set the countryside alight and even in death the foul stench lingers, causing the horse to rear back in revulsion.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Insert "Catherine the Great" joke...

WV: fessup

O.K. I stole the tarts.

Smut Clyde said...

Verily,
Why am I not surprised that mikey knows the lady by first name?

Sebastia said...

The horse is just being enthusiastic and excitable. The owner is engaging in a bit of frivolity here and helpfully pointing out to the perspectively misaligned horse that the carrot is in fact over yonder.

ckc (not kc) said...

...once again, nice rocks.

Another Kiwi said...

The publicity still from the original "Ye Star Wars" showing Han Solo being frozen in, well, bricks is interesting but points out the extraordinary battle and long struggle that George Lucas had, to get that film made. The decision to drop Chewbaca as Solo's horse ("to get a little oaty" in the directors words)seems to be have been a sound choice. Although a chess playing horse would have been amusing.

ckc (not kc) said...

...the theory that is mine:

Trojan Horse beta - "build fake thingy...something, something...horse!"

...yeah, that didn't work!

Smut Clyde said...

Verily's fate was sealed when the horse realised that its zebra disguise was beginning to peel away. Allowing her to live would thwart its cunning plan of setting fire to the rocks for the insurance money.

Snag said...

Should be called, "And the Horse That Rode On You."

Jennifer said...

That thing on the ground looks like the roaming gnomes hat. I didn't realize he was a time traveler.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

PITA is going to hear about this post.

Then you'll be sorry. Oh yes, you will.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

Although a chess playing horse would have been amusing.

He'd get just as excited as I do when you get to move the little horsey guy.

mikey said...

Dood, c'mon.

That's not a 'little horsey guy'.

That's my ex-wife.

Fucker...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

PITA is going to hear about this post.

People Interred while Tempted with Amontillado?