Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Kids today don't know how easy they have it

Back when AK and I were young, bars were rife with White Slavers drink-spikers poised to dope any unattended glasses with tasteless, untraceable Asiatic poisons that would rob female victims of the power to resist their vile intentions.

The phenomenon was not restricted to New Zealand, and research reveals that in UK bars you could buy spike-preventing clip-on nipples for your RTD bottle. If you were worried about your beer they would probably serve it in a sippy cup.

Police stoked the moral panic with an advertising campaign, warning about the rising prevalence of such crimes,* although they could never make up their minds whether the drug most deserving of concern was Rohypnol or GHB. When hair and blood samples from victims were tested for both drugs and the results remained stubbornly negative, this merely meant that the White Slavers drink-spikers were staying one step ahead of forensic pharmacology, with their access to novel designer molecules only going to show how perfidious and insidiously menacing they were. Little was said about the presence in many beverages of an inhibition-lowering, oblivion-hastening chemical called 'ethanol'.
These days, however, when robots from Venus** want to change the minds of nice Earth ladies and turn them into Leopard Women, they have the Operating Cave to do all the work for them.

But you try telling young people what it used to be like and they don't believe you.

* A skeptic notes: There is a lot less work involved in publicising and investigating imaginery crimes than real ones.

** If you look closely, the rivets on the robots spell out POOP in Braille.

9 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Does the O.C. also install the comet firing head guns at this point?
~

fish said...

Those don't look anything like what got clipped on my nipples in that bar in San Francisco...

Substance McGravitas said...

The Operating Cave is where they keep the etchings.

Another Kiwi said...

It is lucky that the robots explained the plot or else we would not know what is happening. Perhaps, and this is a rdical concept, the police could read these fine publications.

mikey said...

I had a girlfriend once who's boobs regularly received propaganda broadcasts from East Germany. Neither of us spoke German, so we didn't generally know what they were saying, but it would routinely wake us up in the middle of the night...

Smut Clyde said...

"What on Earth are you doing?"
"Umm, just recording the latest news from Radio Dresden."
"You do not fool me. That is not a microphone."

M. Bouffant said...

Everything in Braille spells put "POOP." It's an angry, childish language.

fish said...

"You do not fool me. That is not a microphone."

I'll prove it by recording your voice. It isn't very sensitive though so we will have to get very close to the vocal chords.

What was that name again? Lovelace?

Smut Clyde said...

It's an angry, childish language.

And what's the story with textured condoms? Who knows what messages those raised studs are conveying to other members of the conspiracy?