Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sprout Mask Replica¹ (no mention of Cilantro)

July is Brussels Sprouts Awareness Month, declared so by New Zealand Gardener magazine which, in a reader survey, discovered they were the most hated vegetable of all time.
Sale Street bar owner Luke Dallow has created the Brussels Mary cocktail that contains two sprouts, along with other ingredients to make it taste more like a Bloody Mary, although McCarroll insists it's better.
I'm loath to suggest that any kind of payola deal exists between The Old Entomologist and the Sprout Marketing Board. It's probably just coincidence that head barmaid Evangaline Van Holsteren was tonight promoting half-price deals on Sprouticello; a sweet cream-&-eggs liqueur for the ladeez, called Leopold II;* and a bitter Jägermeister-style aperitif called Gamel Crucifer.

¹ Title stolen from Robert Rankin
with neither shame or remorse.

* Every bottle comes with a pair of plastic severed human hands attached to the cork in honour of the Belgian colonial tradition.

UPDATE: The NZ Police are evidently worried about the potential for Sprouticello-fueled addiction and antisocial behaviour. Already they have brought out this public-safety video, dramatising the consequences of Sprouticello abuse in no uncertain terms.


merc said...

The sprout is a lowpoint that no amount of camel is ever going to raise.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Think of them not as loathsome, odious, stinking lumps of boiled mush.

How many times have I told the same to the S,N! crowd. Yet they remain unbelievers!

tigris said...

I hope the Sprouticello is made with bacon-flavo(u)red vodka.

mikey said...

Excuse me, but I cannot help to be curious about the "plastic severed human hands" mentioned, somewhat in passing, earlier in the day.

Do these hands come exclusively from plastic humans, whereupon they are severed with a very fine hacksaw or perhaps the cutting attachment from a Dremmel tool?

Or are the hands plastic because they are repeatedly harvested from the very same human, perhaps as many as three hundred times per day, so, without sufficient time to heal, nor sufficient donors, the original concept, to sever and replace, only to sever again, much like the concept behind a field of corn, had to be abandoned due to the demands of shareholders for higher quarterly profits? (Sorry - I totally lost track of that sentence and was utterly unsure of the appropriate punctuation to be used - the question mark is an educated guess at best - please feel free to substitute an Amper-Bang or whatever you feel is more appropriate to the case at hand.)

At any rate, while severed human hands are rare in most modern western experience, the fact that these are plastic (probably a molded ABS, as PVC would be expensive and would result in the requirement of a waiver from EPA to manufacture) are virtually non-existent...

Another Kiwi said...

Memo to Smut: New advertising tagline:
'Getting Pissed has never been better for you.'

Another Kiwi said...

Also golf clap for Sprout Mask Replica, well played sir

Smut Clyde said...

It must be a tradition, or an old charter, or something.

BDR said...

I thought the post's title was a Beefheart allusion and was about to golf clap.

Your comment squiggle is "befunk," so all is good.