Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Von has challenged us!

Here. OK:
There once was a man
Whose dick was so long he could
He said with a grin
I think I'm getting the hang of it.

37 comments:

merc said...

My haiku doesn't really
count because of the
syllable thing and the
line breaks and all Autumn?

spesses, fukit.

J— said...

Boobs, diff'rent sizes
One small, 'twas nothing at all
Two large, won prizes

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Von wins.

Smut Clyde said...

Zombie votes for Von.
Impartial? We have to ask.
He may have been bribed.

mikey said...

As I've said so many times before, I don't understand Haiku. It just makes me want to say Gezundheit. So here's my contribution:



I sit on the sofa, cradling my drink
Probably should admit my armpits stink
The davenport is where I am
Whoops, dropped the remote, what's this, god DAMN!
I found a creature, hairless and small
But it jumped out of my hands and disappeared down the hall
Should I pull my feet up off the floor?
Should I make a mad dash for the door?
I'm still sitting here on the fucking couch
Locked in a defensive crouch
Scrotum tight against my torso
Like a scary movie, but a whole bunch moreso
Now the creature laughs at me
I'm on the couch, but have to pee
But the creature stands 'tween me and relief
Looks like I'm gonna come to grief
Where'd he come from, what's he want?
If I knew the way I'd run for Vermont
How long has that fucker been in my couch
What does he want, why is he---OUCH!
Little bastard bit me - hard!
I guess I shouldn't have dropped my guard
Now I think I'll probably die
Say, hand me the remote, willya guy?

merc said...

All the rest of us use Haikuizer(tm), indeed everyone does when they are not using special hidden talents(also tm). Helpfully I ran your real poem through the Haikuizer, so it is now unreal (tm).

Scrotum tight against my tors
Locked in a defensive crouch
Now the creature laughs at me.

Now everyone's a winner baby that's no lie.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

He may have been bribed.

not yet.

you have less than two weeks to get a competing bribe to Wisconsin.

Smut Clyde said...

Mikey is successfully putting me off the idea of a monkey butler.

ckc (not kc) said...

I'm on the couch, but have to pee

...man, I wish I wasn't so lazy!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

monkey butter?

mikey said...

Even the monkey butler won't go more than a couple strata deep under the couch cushions....

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The monkey butler
serves the master of the house
It is the monkey
~

merc said...

The nature of the monkey is irrepressible!

moses, moustachio emphasis.

tigris said...

Ifthethunderdon't,
here is your new internet.
Use it wisely: porn.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Thanks, tigris.

A new internet, and a closest to the pin award, all in four daze!

Next thing you know, I'll get run over by a car.
~

Smut Clyde said...

The Innernetz warn of poor Von
Who did what she shouldn't have done.
She asked for a haiku,
but Smut said "that's my cue
To dredge up all manner of pr0n".

merc said...

You can't just bust a haiku like that there's rules, innernationale rules you know.
And BTW haiku must have Autumn metaphor, International Haiku competition rule 4. as specified by Higher Haiku Scientism Kommiteee staes the need for Autumnal Metaphor, e.g. cherry blossom wilting or similar.
Sheesh, what next, free verse?

medom, without i senseless.

merc said...

Staes is a word too you know.

voccola, cola only in name

Another Kiwi said...

Cherry leaves falling
disappearing in the rain
The kiwis ate them


Cherry leaves and 'ate them' sounds like autumn (oh yeah)

merc said...

Haiku Kommittee are pleased with your antipodean efforts however, disqualified for unrefined use of eating. No mention of primary bodidly functions will be allowed.
No discourse will be entered into etc.

dinose, she did but.

Snag said...

We need a haikubudsperson.

merc said...

Not a bad entry Kommittee says, buds is good use. Please expand in official format.

sobsoo, no correspondence will be entered into...

tigris said...

My understanding is that strict form haiku should have a reference to a season, but it doesn't have to be autumn.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Zom NOM NOM NOM NOM
OM NOMNOM NOMNOM NOMNOM
ZOM NOM NOM autumn

Jennifer said...

There once was a man named Smut
Who was known for his literary strut
He was challenged by Von
To a haiku-a-thon
He thought he could win, but…

Oh wait... the limerick challenge was at fish's.

Jennifer said...

I second teh Zombie... Von wins.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

perhaps Von wins the post of Haikubudsperson.

For certain definitions of 'winning'.

Von said...

LOVE all of this!
LOVE SC's haiku,
LOVE Mikey's um, whatever it is.
LOVE Jennifer's limrick
LOVE the comments.
This is so not me, so cheerful
makes.me.want.to.haiku.

Smut Clyde a challenge
To be a haiku writer
Fun was had by all

Von said...

"Von wins"

I like the sound of that.....

Smut Clyde said...

reference to a season, but it doesn't have to be autumn.

Bloody Wellington.
Feckin' cold, rain pissing down,
gale-force winds AGAIN.

Smut Clyde said...

One small ... Two large

By my maths this makes three boobs altogether, not that I'm complaining.

merc said...

This is now deemed a haikoo splinter group by the kommitern.

mikey said...

Sitting in Wellington, sipping tea
A few blocks down from City and Sea
In the dark and damp of Frank Kitts Park
Wondering where I'll go when it gets dark
Staring out across Lambton Harbor
Wondering if she's left Ann Arbor
Dinner, perhaps, down at Shed Five
A couple whiskeys might revive
Me, than catch the bus on Wakefield Street
I guess that means another day's complete
Another night in Kelburn Park
Shivering in the endless dark
I'll get a mango Lassi from the Victoria Kids
That's life on the Wellington Skids

Another Kiwi said...

Excellent, Mikey!

merc said...

Yep it is a good poem I reckon.

emencat, yeah he has one.

Smut Clyde said...

Should I pull my feet up off the floor?
Should I make a mad dash for the door?


From The Combat Diaries of J. Alfred Prufrock.

mikey said...

From The Combat Diaries of J. Alfred Prufrock.

Actually he stole it. I originally published it as "Combat Guide: Small Unit Tactics for Those Who Don't Give A Shit"...