Monday, December 13, 2010

Assault and battery on the human anatomy

Because I read the Alt-Med websites so you don't have to, I now know all about Pishinger's Space:
...the extracellular space that contains the fluids that bath and feed each and every cell while carrying away the waste from those same cells. There is no mention of this organ in American physiology text books.
Here are some other things that are not mentioned in American physiology textbooks:

1. The Luminiferous Æther.
2. Gormley's Evanescent Ileum.
3. Epizoötic Sniggers.

On the other hand, medical textbooks do mention the Os Innominatum, which would be a good name for a Death Metal band.

Pishinger's Space is connected in some way to the Schade Organ.¹ Whatever you might think, the Schade Organ -- equally ignored by physiology textbooks -- is not:

1. A basal ganglion close to the amygdala, responsible for the emotion of schadenfreude; OR
2. A refinement of the synaesthetic clavier à lumières, invented by Scriabin's student Rudolf Schade, containing a wider range of purple hues and fewer reds than the original version (as featured in Os Innominatum concerts).

The correct answer is of course
3. An interstitial network of "colloidal connective tissue":
This organ connects and holds everything in our bodies in place. This organ is composed of ligaments, tendons, sinew, and the finer fibers that become the scaffolding that holds every single cell in our bodies in place.
or to put it in more familiar terms -- "A completely non-existent part of the human body, accepted as a fact by the Acidosis school of health bullshit". Commenting at Orac's blog, 'Nescio' suggests that some Alt-Med nimrod came across Heinrich Schade's 1927 theories about a colloidal substance in interstitial connective tissue, and misread it as meaning that the tissue was called Schade.²
Human anatomy: How it works
There is a back-story here. This is all part of the wonderful Intertube efflorescence of creativity and unfettered communication. The alt-med people have looked out at the vast panorama of information newly available to them, and gone scurrying in fear back to a strange world-view that mixes magical thinking and Medieval humoral physiology in roughly equal proportions. Apparently any form of ailment or organic failure is the fault of too much black bile acidic blood conditions.
The decrease in the alkaline reserves in the body occurs because of hyper-proteinization, (eating steak!) or too much protein, and hyper-carbonization, or too much sugar. This is why 80 to 90 year old folks are all shrunk up and look like prunes. They have very little or no alkaline reserves in their alkalophile glands.
OK. Fortunately Dr. Young -- founder of the New Biology of the 21st century -- can test the Oxidative Reduction potential of your blood (using an ORP meter) and provide you with Alkalising Health Supplements if your bodily essences turn out to be acidic.

This is all very strange. I thought it was obvious to everyone that all diseases really arise from an imbalance of phlogiston and calor within the body, and can be cured by a high-calor diet featuring (for instance) coffee and chilli and black pudding and beer. This is all explained in my book about the Hanseatic Diet. Freshly translated from German.

¹ I ignore the details of the connection so you don't have to.

² It is an established fact that the Alt-Med crowd have a preference bordering on veneration for citing source bullshit written in German, on account of the precedents set by homeopathy and Rudolf Steiner.³ The corollary is less known: given something that is not bullshit, but is written in German and therefore unable to defend itself, they will wring all the sense out of it and turn it into bullshit anyway.

³ You know who else expressed mystical, single-cause theories of disease and impurity in German?

27 comments:

Substance McGravitas said...

This organ is composed of ligaments, tendons, sinew, and the finer fibers that become the scaffolding that holds every single cell in our bodies in place.

The extrusion of these fine fibers? MORGELLONS.

Smut Clyde said...

That is a STRAW MAN argument, Mr McG.

Another Kiwi said...

The picture of Patchwork Boy and his Parrot Companion, Rusty, clearly shows the Schades Organ. It's a picture from the INTERNET!! Also Rusty has a Schades too.

Substance McGravitas said...

Pictures of Patchwork Boys and you
Mirages of Patchwork Boys and you
All I ever see is them and you

tigris said...

I would've expected the Schade Organ to be an organ that causes one to say "schade!" when one sees it, resulting in panzoötic sniggers.

merc said...

I think this is possibly the perfect blog post, including matchstick straw men, a host of body parts that never existed, Germans, parrots...

chormudg, a breed of pestilential dog.

alison said...

4) When large amounts of acids, including HCL, enter the stomach from a rich protein meal, acid is withdrawn from the acid-base household.
To say that Mr Young has only a tenuous connection with reality would be generous in the extreme :)

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Fortunately Dr. Young -- founder of the New Biology of the 21st century -- can test the Oxidative Reduction potential of your blood (using an ORP meter) and provide you with Alkalising Health Supplements if your bodily essences turn out to be acidic.

Because he uses strong bases to "alkalise" the body, he is a lye-er.

All of your alkalis belong to us!

Another Kiwi said...

Mr Bastard is banned.

Another Kiwi said...

Ahem, keen eyed readers will have spotted the revolving globe at the bottom of the front page, here. Baubles of office, people!!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Is that Angus Young?

In any case, now you have made me hungry.

mikey said...

Dood oughta get a gig as a spokesman for Alka Seltzer!

W/V wonders aloud if my hest is too small: hestsize

Smut Clyde said...

The orbs are so bright I gotta wear Schades.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

It hardly seems fair to ban BBBB if Smut Clyde is not also banned.
~

Smut Clyde said...

I'm raybanned.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You're only making it worse for yourself!
~

Smut Clyde said...

Mr Young has only a tenuous connection with reality

I don't know; his grasp on reality is sufficiently strong to bring him an excellent income from people who buy his books and his alkalising supplements. Then they die of untreated cancer and he removes the videos from his websites that proclaimed them as success stories.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Then they die of untreated cancer and he removes the videos from his websites that proclaimed them as success stories.

December 14, 2010 5:38 PM


I don't know who could ask for any more due diligence than that?
~

Smut Clyde said...

Another feature of these Acidosis / alkalising-diet websites (shared with other sub-fields within the Alt-Med genre) is that each of the sites I linked to exists in umpteen other versions, reprinted from one another without attribution.

It could be that their concern for plagiarism is as strong as their concern for reality-based anatomy; or conceivably they're all the work of a single person, setting up multiple sites so as to leave the casual Googler with the impression that there is an actual consensus about this 21st-century return to Galen's doctrine of humours.

Mentis Fugit said...

Wot, no phlogiston?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Well, if they can get Coca-Cola to put cocaine back into their fizzy lifting drink, I will happily sign on.

mikey said...

Come ON, Zombie.

Have a little initiative, fer chrissakes.

You can do that yourself, although I learned long ago that a quarter gram of cocaine in a shot of Grand Marnier is pretty much the perfect morning pick-me-up.

But hey, adding illegal substances to various legal concoctions is something we can ALL agree on!

fish said...

so as to leave the casual Googler with the impression that there is an actual consensus about this 21st-century return to Galen's doctrine of humours.

Well I find it pretty humorous.

Willy said...

Don't make fun of my vinegar and pulverized limestone diet.

Smut Clyde said...

Mentis Fugit said...
Wot, no phlogiston?


HA HA Mentis was not paying attention.

Mentis Fugit said...

HA HA Mentis was not paying attention.
He does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME too. Know any good remedial reading courses for him?

Substance McGravitas said...

A spelling course would allow him to spell "forget" properly.