Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Ombudsmoose update

Good news! New Zealand is at the forefront at creating abnormal mutants that violate every natural law and transgress the inter-species barriers. WE'RE NUMBER 1!!!

Our scientists have been enthusiastically cross-breeding red deer (Cervus elaphus) with elk, sika (C. nippon), and even Père David's Deer (Elaphurus davidiensis). No-one could possibly have foreseen the tragic consequence... that the offspring would lose their sense of group membership, and fixate on inappropriate role-models. This mixed-ancestry elk, for instance -- labouring under the misapprehension that it is a flying squirrel -- has been reduced to the expedient of winding up its antlers attire like a toy helicopter.

This moose thinks it is an orange biped of some description, possibly a giant ground sloth.

The rationale for tinkering with the forces of nature is that the hybrids grow faster and provide larger premium-price-fetching roasts for the lucrative Northern Hemisphere venison-for-$mas market.

We note, however, that in the hope of gaining a competitive edge in a white-market meat that does not even exist yet, the Hawaiians have been cross-breeding dolphins and false orcas. This is no time for us to rest on Laurel.

Returning to the theme of deer-related news,
Reindeer are what Geist terms grotesque giants: species that exploit high-quality foods in cold climates, and are able to evolve luxury organs. The latter include large fat deposits, big and ornate antlers, tusks or horns, big brains, and manes or beards of long decorative hair.
Two out of four ain't bad.

17 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I'm glad I could inspire SCIENCE!
~

guitarist manqué said...

There are credible reports of grizzly/polar bear hybrids, even unto the second generation (citation needed: below). Among ungulates imported roe deer have had a self sustaining colony on a Georgian barrier island for nearly a hundred years without any (known) hybrids with the native white tails. I bet an elkmoose would be a pretty tasty animal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grizzly%E2%80%93polar_bear_hybrid

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Our scientists have been enthusiastically cross-breeding red deer (Cervus elaphus) with elk, sika (C. nippon), and even Père David's Deer (Elaphurus davidiensis).

Think how bad it could be if they crossed the deer with hodags.

We note, however, that in the hope of gaining a competitive edge in a white-market meat that does not even exist yet, the Hawaiians have been cross-breeding dolphins and false orcas.

This can't **SPOILER ALERT** turn out well.

Kathleen said...

one of my favorite books evah

fish said...

What we got when we crossed a red deer with a white tail.

alison said...

But why is that moose-tingy wearing purple trousers An enquiring mind wants to know!!! (Well, actually, a procrastinating mind, but that's almost the same thing.)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Those are blue jeans, Alison.
~

vacuumslayer said...

I'm confused. I usually am when iread this blog. What is the thing with the chicken feet and casual fashion sense?

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

What is the thing with the chicken feet and casual fashion sense?

I blame Thunder.

Smut Clyde said...

ITTDGY's "Portrait of Smut Clyde as an Ungulate" came at a time when we at Riddled were using Muybridge photosequences to create a number of running-animal animated GIFs. Over at his blog, Mr Substance McGravitas responded with his own versions in which the ostriches and horses were decently trouser-clad.

That may have inspired the blue-jeans aspect. The chicken feet, however, were an aspect of ITTDGY's imagination that he never explained to everyone's satisfaction.

Another Kiwi said...

What can we say. He is banned but continues to post

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Suffice it to say, your brother's friends are weird.

Smut Clyde said...

In the interests of full disclosure, it should be noted that Alison has two brothers and they both have weird friends.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The chicken feet, however, were an aspect of ITTDGY's imagination that he never explained to everyone's satisfaction.

I didn't want to put people through the agony of explaining the feet, S.C.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

Linkage required for hobbits?

guitarist manqué said...

I didn't want to put people through the agony of explaining the feet, S.C.
~


The thrill of victory and the agony of de feet. Thunder as Jim McKay.

alison said...

My brothers, of course, are disturbingly normal...