Friday, August 19, 2011

Kids today need to Harden Up*

A Wellington 19-year-old received a blowjob, but made the mistake of removing the blindfold before he left the hotel room... bringing him face-to-face with the awful truth that the donor was 6' 2".**

In essence what we have here is a familiar folklore motif that we also see in the stories of Orpheus and Eurydice; Psyche and Cupid; Uenuku and the Mist Maiden. The story hews too closely to the standard narrative for it to be coincidence. Clearly there are vast deposits of Narrativium underlying Wellington, and it is only a matter of time before Gerry Brownlee the Minister of Digging Shit Up suggests that the way forward for national prosperity is to turn the entire city into an open-cast mine and export the lot of it.

Also, a disappointing blowjob is a nightmare? Honestly, kids today have no idea how lucky they are. In my day we didn't the Riddled Dream Machine or genetically-engineered apple seeds, so we made our own nightmares out of sleep paralysis, the Thyestean Feast motif, the Black Sun Rising, and familial sparagmos, and those were REAL NIGHTMARES and we enjoyed them so much more.

I have more to say about this but there's an unstoppable chainsaw-wielding cyborg on my lawn, BRB.

* Updated with Alternative title: Do not look a gift horse in the mouth, particularly not right after fellatio.
------ SPOILER ALERT for fish------
** And was not the gender that he had come to believe.

28 comments:

Substance McGravitas said...

Also, a disappointing blowjob

No mention of that in the story. The disappointing blowjob is NO BLOWJOB AT ALL.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

And was not the gender that he had come to believe.

I see what you did there.

I'm torn about this story. On the one hand, obtaining sex under false pretenses, while an age-old tradition, not what I would consider a good thing. Is this any different than all those guys "in the movie business" or with "connections" sleazing their way through the young and naive?

On the other hand, I'm a big proponent of self-identification. If teh deceased thought of himself as a woman while he was sucking young men's cocks, who's to say otherwise.

In teh end, context is king. While I feel that disclosure and honesty is of paramount importance to intimate relations, a Facebook organized blowjob hook-up designed to facilitate anonymity does not rise to the level of intimate relations.

So while I still feel that lying to get access to another person's body ought to be disapproved of by society - I don't think it rises to the level of criminal behaviour. Well at least in the circumstances described in the article.

vacuumslayer said...

""People do tend to get swept up in romantic opportunities," he said."


Hmmmmm. I'm not sure this person knows what "romantic" means. At least not it's colloquial meaning.

fish said...

And was not the gender that he had come to believe.


We asked you not to reveal the TWIST!!

fish said...

Also "come to believe"= heh.

vacuumslayer said...

it's

also its

mikey said...

Y'know, the mouth and it's associated parts and pieces not being included in those biological appurtenances typically viewed as defining gender, such as "The Junk" and the "Taint" and "Nads", blowjobs by their vary definition should be gender neutral.

Except for the whiskers.

Yuck...

vacuumslayer said...

I have to add that I feel for the kid. I mean in the highly unlikely event I arranged some tryst in which I was blindfolded and pleasured, I'd pretty pissed if I found out the pleasurer were a woman. I'm sure she'd do a great job and it'd feel awesome, but if that's not your preference, it's not your preference, and that should be respected.

M. Bouffant said...

What will become of the traditional glory hole?

Technology has again made us a poorer people.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

,,,highly unlikely event,,,

For values of "unlikely" that include "what about last night?! Did that mean nothing to you!?"

Technology has again made us a poorer people.

Could get worse, hipsters may decide that they're retro enough to be cool.

vacuumslayer said...

"For values of "unlikely" that include "what about last night?! Did that mean nothing to you!?""


Omg. That was supposed to stay between us.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

No mention of that in the story. The disappointing blowjob is NO BLOWJOB AT ALL.

Yes, it was the aftermath that disappointed.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

Omg. That was supposed to stay between us.

Uh,,, I totes did not sell tickets.

tigris said...

I mean in the highly unlikely event I arranged some tryst in which I was blindfolded and pleasured, I'd pretty pissed if I found out the pleasurer were a woman.

I dunno, it seems to me if one is making such arrangements with unisex-named complete strangers on the intertubas, one is at a point where the partner doesn't matter at all, only the pleasuring.

tigris said...

Uh,,, I totes did not sell tickets.

No, just these nice bookmarks with a date, time, URL, and password.

Smut Clyde said...

No mention of that in the story.

There is a Keat-&-Chapman story that ends with the words "He's reading between the lions". But I will spare you that.

Whale Chowder said...

a Facebook organized blowjob hook-up designed to facilitate anonymity does not rise to the level of intimate relations.

I see what you did there.

w/v has the gist of it: "ickbo" Yup.

Substance McGravitas said...

but if that's not your preference, it's not your preference, and that should be respected.

Even if it's FUNNY?

Smut Clyde said...

On the Internet no-one knows that you're a dog. Until you use your teeth.

Mentis Fugit said...

There is a Keat-&-Chapman story that ends with the words "He's reading between the lions". But I will spare you that.

I've been to Reading and I saw no lions, not counting the queue at the automatic ATM machine.

w/v - derslat: part of dasfuton

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

What they all say
~

Alexia said...

SC has sadly misquoted the last words of the Keat-&-Chapman story.
It's "Reading between the loins."

vacuumslayer said...

Even if it's FUNNY?


I'm interested in cunnilingus not funnylingus.

tigris said...

Punnilingus.

vacuumslayer said...

Crap, that's funnier. And here I'd thought I'd won The Internets AND that shiny new Dodge Caravan.

Smut Clyde said...

FAILatio.

mikey said...

I coulda toldja if you kept screwing around with that Elastrator you were going to regret it...

W/V points out that if the Crips and the Bloods offered education services to their incarcerated constituency, the Bloods could market a redged

fish said...

Bloke job?