Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Movie script writes itself

What? Tie him to a stake!
No! Do not tie me to a steak, I'm a vegetarian!
Then tie him to a stick of celery.

H/t to commenter 'thalarctos' at LGM:
Coming to a Pork in the Road: Over in Colville, the crack Stevens County Assault With a Deadly Bacon Product Task Force has arrested a second suspect in the attempted murder of a local man, who was tied across a road and festooned with bacon. Perpetrators allegedly tried to shoot the man, but when their gun failed, they scattered bacon around him with the hope that wild bears and wolves would come along and eat him.

The crime, apparently the first attempted porkicide anywhere outside of North Dakota, raises all sorts of fascinating legal/gastronomic questions, not the least of which is whether using live humans decorated with pork products violates the state's new ban on bear baiting.
Suggestions for suitable illustrations are solicited.
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UPDATED with Bonus Keats-&-Chapman joke:

"Are you sure this is safe?" asked Keats, regretting the holiday already, and thinking ruefully of the manuscript lying half-completed on his desk at home. "I heard that the mountains are rife with wild bears."

"I've thought of everything!" said Chapman in an attempt to be reassuring that was undermined by the wildness of his eyes. "If you look closely at our equipment, you will notice the strips of bacon that festoon our backpacks."

"I had noticed them, yes, but they did not assuage my concerns. I would have thought that reeking of cured pork products while we go traipsing through the foothills is likely to increase our chance of encountering wild animals rather than decrease it."

"Ah, but this bacon has been steeped in a solution of powerful tranquillisers. If we are attacked, we need merely lie prone on the ground while the ferocious predators devour the bacon as an entree; before they can move on to us as the main course, the fast-acting drug will reduce them to a state of profound anaesthesia."

Keats could follow the logic. "There's safety in numb bears," he nodded.

8 comments:

Mendacious D said...

Were there bagpipes involved?

mikey said...

Dude, what're you doing?

I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

C'mon, let's just go. He's down, Frankie.

Nope. Gonna do him. Right now. [Frankie points shotgun at mikey laying all beat to hell on the pavement and pulls the trigger. The click of the hammer falling is unsatisfactory, at best.] "DAMMIT, man", Frankie says, throwing the useless shotgun to the ground.

Let's just go.

Shut up, Billy. We need to DO this fucker.

Well, the gun didn't shoot, Frankie. What are we supposed to do?

Dammit, Billie, lemme think. Wait. I've GOT it. We'll put a bunch of crank on him and leave him in a trailer park!

That's...fucking brilliant. They'll do all the crank then they'll eat him!

No, stupid, they'll kill him in order to keep the crank for themselves. We get away with killing him without actually, you know, KILLING him.

Dude, that is so cool. I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Send five dollars and I'll send you the entire story, including the audio version. With the bong n shit...

vacuumslayer said...

Now when you say "bear"...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Ah, murder by sparagmos followed by osophagia.

fish said...

There's safety in numb bears

Smut is banned.

fish said...

BTW, does anyone else suspect that Mikey is really Elmore Leonard?

Another Kiwi said...

My client, Mr S.Clyde, wishes it to be known that he is a signed-up Riddled staffer and as such cannot be banned from HIS OWN blog.
As he stated "once ursine on the dotted line, ur safe"

Mentis Fugit said...

Today's lecture is on Keats, and I'll bet not one of you higgerunt bastards knows what a Keat is.

B^4, wouldn't osophagia be the act of eating the bear, not contrariwise? Icon fused.