Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Before the kiss, a redcap

Old Jem and his bony apprentice: Late again
Here in balmy New Zealand it is all buds a-blossoming and Lhude sing cuccu and sumer iCumen in (we have to spell it that way on account of a sponsorship deal with Apple). Temperatures rise, Bulluc sterteþ and bucke uerteþ (though personally I suspect that it was really Another Kiwi who uerteþ and as usual he's trying to pass the bucke), for it is the season known in our quaint local dialect as "sitting-under-the-olive-trees-in-the-garden-bar-and-stringing-beads-and-drinking". But did Old Jem from Green Acres Lawn Services turn up at 10 to deal to the grass, as arranged? NO HE DID NOT.

We are aware, however, that the other side of the world is making the opposite journey into dreadful night and Fimbulwinter.

Truly we are moved by the plight of our Northern Hemisphere colleagues, as photosynthesis falters and the processes of saprophytic decay become the primary mode of biological activity. Fortunately we are able to advise you that the fly-agaric toadstool Amanita muscaria is wholesome and nourishing if properly prepared to remove the nasties (thx Henning Pfeifer and Mandos!).

Why Smut is not encouraged to
cook dinner at Maison d'Etre


Also and too, it is only in Dorothy Sayers detection novels that people are murdered with a meal of harmless mushrooms that have been poisoned with synthetic toadstool toxin by someone they trusted. This hardly ever occurs in real life,* and anyway Lathom is caught and convicted.

In other helpful advice to cold shivery people, we call your attention to the new range of Riddled hot-water bottles, now in stock in the gift shop. Riddled hot-water bottles can be printed with the faces of your favourite bloggers! (offer may not include tigris).
For alternative tastes, Riddled hot-water bottles are safe to use with sheep (we do not judge) and have undergone stringent laboratory tests to be sure they can stand up to the associated stress and wear.

A great way of warming giant shoes!

Riddled hot-water bottle is not designed as a flotation device. Do not fill with helium.


All warranties void if hot-water bottle is used to hold Christmas Ale.

* Sayers' novel may have inspired the murder of Buddha using a similar M.O. Not many people know that.

17 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Cuckoo, cuckoo, well you sing,
cuckoo!

Speaking of which, I'll have a mushroom post (sooner, or else later), as there are many, many mushrooms growing in the damp mountainside forests here.

This is an Amanita abrupta, purrhaps?
~

Mandos said...

Yay I have been thanked at Riddled! One day I too may be featured in a woodcut!

I love that Amanita page.

Edibility: Toxic
Edibility: Toxic
Edibility: DEADLY POISON
Edibility: Toxic
Edibility: Toxic

...

Also thundra you might like this site. When I was in Jr. High, I was a pretty enthusiastic mushroomer (AND NO NOT THAT WAY). I assume the spores bear some relation to who I am today.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Thanks, Mandos. There are Amanitas all over the place here. Most of them look like the Eastern Destroying Angel, except for that one with the bumps.

if this seems like an awful lot of emphasis on one part of the mushroom, remember that without its bulb, Amanita abrupta would join the ranks of the many seemingly indistinguishable white Amanita species

As least I know not to try eating them...I'm happy with the puffballs!
~

Substance McGravitas said...

the new range of Riddled hot-water bottles, now in stock in the gift shop.

Well I want my money back. The hole is on the bottom and I can't pour the water in.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Customer Service is down the hall, on your right...
~

El Snacktator said...

El will have to direct Henning over here so he can collect his kudos.

Henning Pfeifer said...

LOL! I love your blogger-scene... amazing. In "Riddled" I don't understand everything though, but that doesn't matter. In germany every child is taught that "Fly-Mushrooms" are deadly piosonous!! In fact this is not true. It's a remaining of these times were witches have been hunted. In fact you can eat them well, if you just cook them. BUT if you eat them without cooking, you will get on a trip, a psychedelic one, like LSD. I tried one month ago. Was interesting. The ethymology of the word is also interesting- its associate with flies, those tiny insects, and thats what people ("Fliegenpilze") think when they hear it, intuitively. In fact its from "flying around", in the sense of "having a trip!" The witches in the 17th cetury knew what they did

Another Kiwi said...

In "Riddled" I don't understand everything though
it's like Henning has been on the "Riddled' indoctrination/induction course

ckc (not kc) said...

...what you don't know can't hurt you

(I should live forever)

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Fortunately we are able to advise you that the fly-agaric toadstool Amanita muscaria is wholesome and nourishing if properly prepared to remove the nasties

Isn't it just easier to drink pee?

Smut Clyde said...

NZ censorship law, B^4:
"In New Zealand, publishing anything promoting or supporting urolagnia, whether in print or online, is an offense punishable by up to ten years in prison."

mikey said...

OK, OK, hang on.

I think I've got this.

I should eat poison mushrooms. But I should either carefully prepare them so as to de-toxify them, or I should go right ahead and cook 'em up, provided I follow that lovely meal with a long, refreshing draught of piss.

Y'know, it occurs to me that there might be a third way to go here. Wacky though it sounds, what if I, stay with me here 'cause this is gonna get kinda weird, but just SUPPOSE instead I didn't eat poison mushrooms?

I know, right? Radical thinking for a new century and all. What's with that guy, anyway? But here's the thing. No risk of death. No downing shotz of Whizz on the Beach as an after dinner cocktail. I'm thinking, on net, the trade-off might be a win.

Another Kiwi said...

Urine can be recycled four or five times before losing potency
Uh huh,Imma side with Mikey here,

Smut Clyde said...

My understanding of the whole simmering-toadstool-slices-in-salted-water business is that it provides you with (1) tasty non-hallucinatory toadstool slices to feed to dinner guests, and (2) salty water full of dissolved alkaloids that you drink once the guests have buggered off home and you don't have to share the fun.

Pee-drinking is purely optional.

tigris said...

Well so much for the product launch party brew-up in a pissery.

Mandos said...

Apparently these are edible. They look like bean sprouts!

wv: couel

tigris said...

Mandos, you can buy kits to grow those or their close relatives; they're delicious.