Friday, October 14, 2011

As if it was a mirror.

The latest meeting of the old Entomologist Cellar Movements and Manipulations Committee was a, vile concoction that lifted the enamel off my teeth... sorry tasting notes got mixed in there, full and frank discussion of the issues surrounding cellar movements, the port in particular .
Firstly the committee resolved to send a letter to the Old Ichthyologist people to say thanks for the 3 inch spanner which broke and was in Imperial inches, anyway, fuckers.
The committee looked at the spill control measures that had been restructured since the last review and found that the equipment and materials necessary to control a medium sized spill ( a bucket and packet of mints) were not really sufficient to cope. The Committee listened to Mr. A. Kiwi give his opinion of the various brands of mints available and then voted that he put a sock in it.
The committee asked  Cellarmaster, Swearing Bob, what savings had been achieved under the new rules of expenditure and he explained that things were as tight as a mouse's arsehole.
Mr S. Clyde tabled a report that summarised a new plastic bag oriented control of spills. It was noted by the members of the Committee that the new kit included 1) a clipboard and 2) a whistle. Mr. Clyde handed out samples of same provided by the manufacturers and the meeting adjourned for some minutes. The overall cost of the new kit was found to be prohibitive.
Swearing Bob tabled a report of the Great Port Spill of August which claimed the lives of two mice and Cellarhand Tompkins. He amended that to the liver of Cellarhand Tompkins who was now staying with an aunty in Whangarei.
The reaction time of cellar staff was questioned and was found to be a function of them 1) not knowing how big the spill was and 2) not knowing where the bucket was. Tompkins bravely threw himself at the leak and eventually had to be bludgeoned off the breach with the bucket once it had had E.v Holsterin's geraniums emptied from it. The Committee resolved to pay for E.v. Holsterin's new geraniums which she was going to get from a shop, not from her mum.
A clean-up crew could not kept out of the cellar and indeed Swearing Bob asserted that the Cellar had been bloody-well cleaned out all right.
The meeting adjourned before before Mrs Miggin's Cockle and Guava souffles could become available


vacuumslayer said...

QUERY: What is the Riddled staff instructed to do in the event of the spilling of milk?

Are they instructed to cry? Not cry? Let a single tear roll down the cheek? Clap slowly, then more quickly, building to a cacophonous clapping crescendo?

Also, who farted, and was it recorded in the minutes?

Another Kiwi said...

The highly skilled milk spill team
swings into action.
If VS is referring to the Mesohyl differentiation among Caribbean Porifera and tune farting Nite, that is next week.

vacuumslayer said...

Kitten with a Drip! RAwr!

vacuumslayer said...

Ps--I think I will skip the fart night. Last time I went to a fart recital, it was all "Do 'Stairway!'," lighters came out, eyebrows caught on was just a MESS. I want no part of that.

vacuumslayer said...

Although if I were quicker and punnier, I woulda said "I want no fart of that"

Another Kiwi said...

Phew, lucky you weren't fast enough!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Slow Clap, he slow-clapped.

On snow-capped mountains.

Smut Clyde said...

I hope this is not leading up to an "Any Port inna Storm" punch-line.

Re. burned eyebrows, new Darwin Awards contestant here.

vacuumslayer said...

Oh, good grief.

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

AK...I am so glad I found yer bring me joy and a chuckle each time I read your stuff. Thank you for that. ;-)