Saturday, October 8, 2011

Message seeks Bottle for mutually-rewarding partnership

Here are the Riddled directors in the Executive Dirigible, on their way to the Fram Ship Museum in Oslo. Inspired by an Indian billionaire's whisky-marketing-related private-jet mercy dash to Christchurch, our plan was to borrow a bottle of akvavit left over from the Amundsen / Mobile polar expedition aboard the Norge, so our expert tasting panel could reverse-engineer a genuine olde-style akvavit and re-introduce it to the jaded palates of consumers willing to pay more for authenticity.

Sadly, our panel concluded that Amundsen's akvavit smells like a wet dog wrapped in cilantro and tastes just as bad, and in that respect there is no material difference from the flavour of contemporary akvavit. Equally sadly, we somehow neglected the formality of notifying the Norwegian authorities of the intended loan, so there were alarums and excursions and a breakneck dirigible chase and the unwelcome attentions of a hard-to-corrupt police force, which we were only able to circumvent by using the Riddled time machine to restore the bottle to before it had been borrowed, with level slightly lower.

Here is a Riddled Director hiding from Norwegian authorities in the one place it would never occur to them to look.

Ms. E. von Holsteren our corporate consultant has advised us to rethink our business model, re-focus on our core activities, and stop being loonies. With that in mind we will shortly bring Franklin's Authentic Gin to the market.

Authenticity!!
  • A relic of Franklin's 1845 North-West Passage expedition!
  • Lovingly hand-crafted to match samples recovered from his ships Erebus and Terror (last seen on an icefloe near Newfoundland; then, due to their unsinkable construction, left drifting indefinitely when the floe melted)!
  • Available at a significant discount to members of the Riddled Loyalty Club.


Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought


"Franklin" Tinned Provisions from Riddled Enterprises. Each tin processed with authentic 1840s technology with lead solder and inadequate cooking time, to contain a sub-lethal dose of lead and botulism toxin.

Colonel Fawcett's Amazonian Ayahuasca Brandy. Concocted according to our own authentic Kalapalo recipe!

11 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

GIN STREET ROCKS!!!1!
~

mikey said...

Available at a significant discount to members of the Riddled Loyalty Club.

I kept reading this as the Liddled Royalty club, and felt I should say something about being the 99%

...processed with authentic 1840s technology with lead solder and inadequate cooking time, to contain a sub-lethal dose of lead and botulism toxin.

Oh! So you're selling some olde-timey version of my Mutton Pierogie. You, sir, are a poltroon of the first order.

Wow. I used to live on Gin Lane. In Sacramento. Yeah, I know, it's like rain on your fecking wedding day n shit. Anyway, I don't know for sure what that baby did to make that woman with the shaving issues throw it overboard, but, hey, let's be honest here, it likely shit on her. I mean, right? What else do you expect of babies but to spew some foul-smelling efluvia from one orofice or another.

Gnome sane?

Smut Clyde said...

GIN STREET ROCKS!!!1!

I rate for Beer Street.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Beer Street has good beer, so Yay!

On the other hand, does it have a baby falling over the railing?
~

vacuumslayer said...

That painting is amazeballs. AMAZEBALLS! My balls are amazed!! Wait.

tigris said...

Howl's Boozing Castle.

Smut Clyde said...

Certain scurrilous people might leap to the conclusion that I stole the image from Ptak's bookshop but I cannot possibly comment.

It's as if he's painting just for VS. Also.

Strongly influenced by Brodsky & Utkin.

Another Kiwi said...

Er, Tiger lillies rock.
The stunt baby in Gin Lane had a long and sucessful career until age and height gave the game away. Happily an opening in the "Hallelujah!" branch of Christian preaching was found and once again the appearance of being seized by the "LAWD" and falling down stairs gave an income.
Sadly the huge amount of cigarettes that the "baby" had smoked, to stunt it's growth, exacted a price.

vacuumslayer said...

"It's as if he's painting just for VS. Also."

*sigh, admire*

Smut Clyde said...

The "pram-down-the-Odessa-Steps" sequence in Battleship Potemkin... STUNT BABY.

fish said...

Amundsen's akvavit smells like a wet dog wrapped in cilantro and tastes just as bad

I have read this sentence half a dozen times now, and I still do not understand why wet dog wrapped in cilantro is supposed to be a bad thing.